How can you help people. Should you help people? Key Rules for Help

Very often we help close and familiar people, but in the end it turns out that they did not need our support at all. Sometimes, having committed a noble deed, in response we do receive insults and insults. Depression sets in, because we wholeheartedly strived to do something good, but we were not appreciated. Sometimes we even promise that we will never help anyone again in the future, thus we generate hostility towards the world around us inside ourselves. But this is not an option...

Let's highlight a few rules for helping, observing which you will never get into unpleasant situations, and your help will really increase the good in this world.

There is no hierarchy among these rules, it is impossible to single out some more significant, some less, because only if all 5 rules are observed, you can be sure of a favorable continuation of your relationship. If at least one of the 5 rules is not true, you better refuse help, justifying your refusal in a correct and friendly way. Otherwise, you will step on all the same native rake that you stepped on earlier.

Rule 1: You can help only when you have done all your work

Very often there are moments when it is simply inconvenient for us to refuse the one who asks, and out of a feeling of inconvenience or pity we agree to his conditions. These feelings cause us to reactively agree without analyzing the consequences.

There are also situations when they call us unexpectedly, catching us by surprise in the midst of a blockage of cases, and our consciousness does not have time to soberly evaluate the request, as a result of which we also quickly give an answer of consent without evaluating it.

And in such situations, when we get involved in helping, and then return to the usual rhythm of life, we find that everything is not so smooth in it, and now we ourselves need help. It can be a routine blockage at work or a conflict with the manager. There may be omissions in the family due to detachment, when your presence was extremely important for your household. Or you lent money to a friend, leaving yourself with an empty wallet. I'm sure many readers have been in a similar situation.

To avoid typical troubles, before responding with your consent to a request, be sure to think about how the consequences of this help will affect your life! Do you manage to do all your business, will relationships in your family suffer, do you have any urgent plans for this time ... Ask yourself the main question: “If I help, will it harm me?”.

Rule 2: You can only help purposeful people

Every person has difficult circumstances in life. But there is a type of people in whom these circumstances occur very often, if not constantly. This means only one thing: a person does not want to improve his own life. He prefers to be improved by others.

A goal-oriented person in this context can be called even a homeless person, who wants to achieve well-being with all his might, and who directs all his actions to the search for improvements. This means that the homeless person will be ready to deny himself sleep, rest, delicious food, in order to work and improve the standards of his life.

A purposeful person is one who makes real and voluminous efforts on himself to improve the quality of his life!

Conversely, a person who, perhaps, even looks presentable and businesslike, but provides himself with comfort through manipulative extortion, we will consider a bum. The main criterion in this rule is the specific actions and active efforts of the person himself to achieve the goals.

As you already understand, it is impossible to help a person without his own desire. More precisely, the person himself asks you for help, but hidden behind this request is a banal desire to take advantage of the kindness of people again. In this case, your noble intentions turn out to be a waste of your strength, time, money, emotions, which will never bring a good result either for you or for him.

And even if your support gives a temporary result, then without the diligence of the person himself, he will soon find himself in the same position as he was. So the second rule is: never care about a person more than he cares about himself(Except when a person is not really able to take care of himself).

It is better to imagine right away that you are throwing all your precious efforts and experiences into the wastebasket. Such a person will never be able to appreciate your efforts, even with a great desire, because he has no idea: how, with what diligence, how much work and brain effort you have invested in order to accumulate this strength, money, knowledge, etc., which you entrust to him. If a person himself does not make any efforts to improve his well-being, then why should you make your own?

Rule 3: You can help only in cases where the process of helping brings pleasure.

“What a strange rule,” most readers will think. In fact, it is just as significant as the previous ones. Failure to comply with this rule can, at a minimum, spoil the mood for both you and the one who asks, as a maximum, lead to the collapse of all relationships once and for all.

Surely, each of you got into situations when you had to ask your friends for help. And perhaps you remember that feeling of awkwardness and those uncomfortable worries that you experienced when pronouncing the words with a request. Most likely, it was very important for you that your appeal for help did not create inconvenience to your beloved friends. This is what made you literally peer into your friend's non-verbal to understand that you are not creating an extra burden in his life.

So, the feelings with which a person responds to your request, the asker will definitely see. He will certainly understand: out of good will you want to help him or against your will. And here's the attention: most often, help contrary to one’s desire is presented in the eyes of the asker as condescension, and then no actions of the helper will justify the imprint that will be created in the relationship.

An incident like this can ruin even the strongest relationship. Therefore, if you do not have the opportunity to help a friend at the moment (and this is normal, because you may have a breakdown or you just have a protest of principles for what you are asked), then it is better to immediately justify your position and refuse than to create a feeling " misalliance" and spoil the relationship with a good friend. Over time, a friend will understand your refusal and forget about this situation, and the feeling " indulgence he will remember forever.

Rule 4: You can help only when the request is made out loud

Quite often it happens when we are approached with a request in an indirect form. The person talks about the problem for a long time, as if hinting at the desire to receive support, but does not directly report this. You spend hours listening to a story around the bush about the difficulties of a person, but he does not put forward specific proposals. This situation may arise for two reasons.

The first is that a person is simply uncomfortable asking you for help. Perhaps he is afraid of rejection, perhaps pride does not allow him to cross this border, perhaps he is under great stress and cannot find the right words. In any case, a person is set to appeal specifically to you, but it is difficult for him to make this request.

The second reason is that the person does not want to receive your help, he just wants to speak out and calm down. Such a conversation is like a waterfall of negative thoughts and brings little pleasure to the listeners. But the most dangerous thing is the continuation of this situation, when the listener accepts independent the decision to help a person and save him from all troubles. After some time, your friend utters amazing phrases: “But I didn’t ask you for help” or “Why did you climb where you weren’t asked?”. Outcome: You remain guilty.

In order to push the interlocutor to a logical conclusion in the first situation, and in order not to spoil the relationship as in the second situation, there is one question that immediately clarifies the person's intentions. So, we repeat and remember: “Do I understand you correctly that you are asking me for help?”, “Do I understand you correctly: do you want me to perform this or that action?”, “Do I understand you correctly…?”. This question is your protection from incorrect conclusions and decisions.

Rule 5: It is better to help with actions than with money

Many people know, but often forget that it is better to give a fishing rod to a person than 2-3 ready-made fish. Of course, already prepared fish will become more pleasant for a person, but after eating it, he will again look for prey. And having learned to fish, he will not have more hungry periods in his life. This is where the real help is. That is, to help a person to understand himself, to acquire some skills, to offer the possibility of independent earnings - this is much more valuable than any money.

Moreover, material-money relations, as a rule, experience friendship. Any debt that you have lent to friends and acquaintances can become a cause of contention. Therefore, there is an unspoken rule: “Either give money without expecting it back, or don’t lend at all”. As soon as you begin to expect a return of your money from a person, you subconsciously, as it were, keep a secret record of his money, ceasing to notice a person in him. In this vein, any friendship turns into a strained relationship. Yes, and resentment against a person will torment you, and not the debtor.

These 5 rules are simple and easy to remember, but the mistakes above are the ones most people make on a regular basis. Of course, these rules do not apply to emergencies concerning matters of life itself. For any other assistance, remember that your helping hand is truly a good deed if:

- You are not hurting yourself

- You help a goal-oriented person

- The process of helping gives you pleasure

- Request made aloud

- You help by action, not by money (or if you give money, you do not count on their return)

Unpopular Virtue

The virtue of compassion is not listed among the main Christian virtues, but it is a manifestation of the most important Christian virtue - love.

It is impossible to love people and at the same time not participate in their lives, remain indifferent to what happens to them. Perhaps right now they need our help, they need just what is called participation.

Meanwhile, it often happens that a person who considers himself a zealous Christian locks himself in his church life on those deeds of piety that he himself considers the only ones necessary for salvation.

He regularly goes to church, confesses and takes communion, performs evening and morning prayer rules at home, reads the holy fathers, but at the same time he completely distances himself, moves away from those people who surround him in everyday life. There is a seemingly plausible and even natural explanation for this - the surrounding people are of a different, non-Christian spirit.

Indeed, it is not uncommon that a person begins to live a church life, and the people who make up his social circle still remain non-church. They have different interests, and then ideas about life, and in this it is easy enough to find an excuse for yourself to move away from these people.

A person moves away from them, and from the worries that they live with, and from what happens to them, but there are no other people around him. And it turns out that he becomes a stranger in a world alien to him, that he no longer lives a living life - natural, normal for a believer, because for this you need to come into contact with people, to delve into what is happening to them, and he, as it were, glides over the surface, it passes by. So, imperceptibly for himself, the most important thing leaves his life - this is love for other people, indifference to them.

Why is it so important? Let's remember what we know about God? We know from the catechism that God is omnipotent, we know that God is good, that He created everything that exists. But it is not only difficult for a limited, created being to penetrate the mystery of Divine existence, but, by and large, it is impossible.

And at the same time, there are things that we know about God for sure. For example, the fact that He loves a person and that there is nothing in human life that would not concern God: every little thing, every insignificant event connected with us is everything, as Holy Scripture and the Tradition of the Orthodox Church testify, God is most directly interested in , and in all this the Lord necessarily participates, because He does not despise even the slightest human need.

If God treats people this way, then it is quite obvious that He expects the same attitude towards each other from us. And it is quite natural that if God descends from His ineffable heights to the everyday, elementary manifestations of human life, then we should not ignore this either.

So one can even say this: if a person remains indifferent, indifferent to the needs, sorrows, experiences of the people who surround him, then he cannot be a good Christian, he cannot be a Christian in principle. By and large, he can be called a person with a very big stretch.

General quality of saints

If we look at those who have been glorified throughout the history of the Church as saints, we will see that they were very different people - with different temperaments, with different life experiences, with different, as we would say today, educational level and social status; but there is one thing in common: among the saints there was not a single indifferent and indifferent person.

Even if we read about hermits who avoided the company of people who did not communicate with them, then, having become acquainted with their life a little more deeply, we can understand that the time spent in hermitage and silence was filled not only with a prayer for God's mercy to them, but but it has always been a prayer for the whole world and for the people living in it.

There is such a case in the life of the Monk Arseny the Great: people who would like to see him come to him, and among them the then Archbishop of Alexandria. In the end, they could not see him: he did not come out to them, because he did not want to violate the seclusion that he had set for himself at that time as the rule of life, and they retired with great sorrow.

Subsequently, they came again, and they already had the opportunity to meet him. And so they complained: “Last time we left you with nothing, having taken such a path, you did not even see us.” He said, “Yes, but when you went home, you had some time on the road and the opportunity to repent of your sins. You stopped to sleep, to eat, and I stood and prayed for you until you got home.”

There is also a similar episode in "Answers to the Questions of the Disciples" by St. Barsanuphius the Great and John the Prophet. We are talking about the disasters that are coming to the world of that time, and the Monk Barsanuphius says that this world would have had a bad time if it were not for the prayers of three holy men who ascend like a kind of fiery pillar from the earth and meet before the Throne of God.

This slightly opens the veil over the life of the saints, reveals to us the secret of their inner life and explains that, despite their apparent indifference to anything, they participated with all their hearts.

Don't reach out - reach out the staff

Since we, on our part, cannot offer such participation in the existence of the world - our life is not like that, our prayer is not like that, we must participate in it by deed. And here elementary common sense should be of great help to us.

When we try to render a person some kind of service, we try to help him in something, then, of course, we should not do this against his will and against his desire (unless, of course, we are talking about a person who, for example, is drowning , - it still needs to be pulled out of the water). Our job is to start helping a person, to offer him our help, and if he rejects it, to retreat without imposing our participation.

After all, of course, there is such an extreme: believers, pious people want to make someone happy without his desire. Of course, nothing good comes from this intention, but on the contrary, it turns out only temptation, grief and frustration.

In general, when we want to help another person, it is extremely important to try to understand what he needs, and to help precisely in this, and not in what it gives us pleasure to help him. In a word, it is important that our help coincides with his ideas about help.

And, of course, helping people does not imply any indulgence in their sinful skills and passions. Here we can give an elementary and fairly common example: a heavy drinker and, possibly, a person living on the street comes up to us on the street and asks for money to get him drunk.

Naturally, he does not need to give money for this; it is wiser, if he is hungry, to buy food - buy it yourself and give it to your hands so that he will not be tempted to buy alcohol. Of course, you can say: don’t you understand, we will buy him food, but he will go and still find somewhere for a drink. Well, what to do with it - let him die of hunger? So this should not be treated in any way.

Continuing the theme of the limits of help that should not be crossed: there is another limit - of how much one can give this help to people at all.

The same St. Barsanuphius the Great has this image: if a person has fallen into a pit, do not stretch out your hand to him - stretch out your staff to him. And he explains why. If you stretch out your hand to him, and instead of getting out of the hole, he will pull you towards him, then you will fall into the same hole. And if you stretched out the staff, then a person who wants to get out of the pit will grab the staff and get out with your help; if the fallen one does not want to get out and pulls the staff towards him, then you will simply let go of the staff.

In my opinion, this is a kind of ideal model of what kind of help should be, because it happens that a person begins to help someone and as a result his family, his relatives suffer. In the end, he himself comes to such a destruction of his own life that then he cannot put it back together again - and of course, such sympathy is hardly justified.

The apostle Paul says that our abundance should be the filling of someone else's deficiency and vice versa. It must be so, because everything else is a little absurd.

If a person is not just looking for help, not just not coping with the situation, but is looking for someone, figuratively speaking, to sit on his neck and wave his legs at the same time, then, of course, he should not be given such an opportunity, because in this way we will do a disservice.

By doing something for a person, and not with him, we corrupt him. The same thing happens in raising a child: if parents do everything for him, then they will raise a capricious, spoiled and completely unadapted person.

If they just help him and do something with him, then this is a completely different matter. The child is gradually learning, and the measure of participation of mom and dad in his life is gradually decreasing. It should be the same in our relationships with adults, with others.

About unwashed floors and missionary talk

Should our sympathy be manifested in the desire, the desire to bring our loved ones to the temple? On the one hand, of course, yes, because it is unnatural when a person who has found for himself the most important thing in life - a priceless bead of faith in Christ, is indifferent to the fact that this bead turned out to be unnoticed by people dear to him.

There is even a doubt whether he loves them, because we are talking, no less, about the eternal fate. On the other hand, any attempts to directly influence loved ones in this regard, as a rule, turn out to be unsuccessful and ineffective. The people around us are more convinced by our example: they see that some changes are taking place in us, they see that what they have tried unsuccessfully to achieve from us for many years suddenly happens as if by itself ...

Here lived a man who never cleaned his house, did not wash the dishes, did not buy groceries, let alone cook something. And all of a sudden he starts doing it. The family is amazed: what happened to him? And there is an interest in the good that their loved one has been opened to them in such a new way.

And if a man, as before, enters a dirty apartment in exactly the same way and does not sweep the floors, but waits for his wife to do it for him, after that he can convince her of anything, but he will not convince her of anything except that some new whim appeared for him.

And it also happens that a person who wants to attract his loved ones to life in the Church acts very rudely and authoritatively, so that it becomes clear that this is not about love, but about some exactingness: “this is mine, and everyone should accept it ".

And this also never leads to good: quarrels, strife, accusations begin. As a rule, such conversations end with something like: “You don’t listen to me - you will burn in fiery hell.” What can be said about this...

There is also such a situation: a believer, a church person is preparing to receive the Holy Mysteries of Christ, and he has a lot of things to do: he needs to read the following for communion, he needs to fast, he needs to go to the service in the evening.

And so, when he begins to prepare, his relatives, relatives, and friends suddenly begin to distract him from this. And not just somewhere they call him for a walk or offer to have fun, but one thing happened for one, another happened for another, the third requires some kind of heartfelt participation, conversation.

It begins to seem to a person that all this is some kind of interference - he gets annoyed, annoyed, tries to move away from all this and does not understand at all that this is the same element of preparation for communion. Participation in the lives of other people, helping them, including sometimes with a conversation and some kind of heartfelt sympathy, are deeds of love: perhaps, in the person of these people, the Lord Himself addressed a person, came, but he did not notice Him, and at the same time wants to be involved in His Body and Blood.

Of course, this is a completely wrong attitude. In some cases, the question arises: “yes, but what to do”? Yes, this is how it should be: take part in another person, give him the necessary time and strength, and if you really want to take communion, read the rule at night, perform at least once such a feat of both Christian love and Christian piety.

Help, and then understand yourself

It must be remembered that sympathy is not human pleasing, and not a way to satisfy vanity; we can distinguish one from the other primarily by the intention that lies in our heart. Why are we doing this or that? You should get into the habit of asking yourself this question.

Sometimes a person asks: “What if I see narcissism in the first place? Should I give up on this?" No, the deed still needs to be done, and I'll explain why. Because there is another person, there is his need, there is some kind of his grief, and he, by and large, does not care about what we are going to help him with.

This is our inner experience - vanity, narcissism or something else. These are our problems. Therefore, if such a situation arises and we cannot deal with our feelings, we must postpone this trial, help the person, and then repent that vanity or something else was present in this or that act.

If we already have some experience in the spiritual life, we can try to go the way of correction already in our intention, right away. Here a person appeared before us, his need arose, a desire to help appeared, we realized that in the first place there was some kind of desire to please our vanity. Vanity aside, business is a necessity, we do it. Such a skill is developed in a person in due time, with the acquisition of spiritual experience.

And the second question that you need to ask yourself is: “Who do I want to please with my actions: man or God?”. Or at least like this: “Is what I do pleasing to God, or not?”. If this question arises, as it were, by itself, it means that a certain attitude towards pleasing God is already present in us. And our conscience often tells us whether this matter is really pleasing to God or not.

When we ask such a question, it is very important to have in ourselves a certain guarantee of obedience to God: after all, the Lord may not allow us to do the work that we want (even, it would seem, very good), may prevent it.

If a person is ready to retreat from his intention, if the Lord shows him that it is wrong, then the Lord, as a rule, shows, in some obvious way gives an answer. We get confused in something, we do not understand something when we are not ready to accept and fulfill the will of God.

When this readiness exists, a person almost always recognizes it one way or another. And this, in fact, is not some kind of secret, not some kind of secret. This is truth and reality.

Prepared by Elena Sapaeva

I did not want to write this article for a long time, as I consider it immodest to talk about any charitable "successes". I am sincerely sure that if you do something good, then you should do it not for the sake of PR or promotion, but for the sake of that inner feeling of happiness that you experience when you help.

But over time, more and more people began to contact me with questions about how to recognize scammers in charity and where to start your charitable path.

Therefore, I decided to write an article and send everyone to it in the future. Although it still remains a mystery to me why many people, including strangers, trust me with theirs and ask for my advice in such an intimate matter as charity.

I want to say right away that I am not a millionaire and very often I spend only 20-50 dollars a month on charitable undertakings. Sometimes more. Sometimes I can do something good with my time and my knowledge without spending any money at all.

After all, it is not the amount that matters - action and motivation are important. I believe that it is possible to help others, even if you have a very modest income. To some extent, it is even better to do this when incomes are modest, because then aid has more weight. Well, you already know the mechanisms of the Universe: what you sow, you will reap.

I understand that the amounts and issues that I will cover in the article may seem insignificant to some, but this is my experience, and I hope that it will be valuable at least for some of the readers.

I am sure that in order to start helping someone, you should not wait for ideal conditions or the availability of big money, because this moment may never come. Moreover, habits, including charitable ones, must be instilled from youth.

I never planned to do charity systematically, I did not plan charity events. Most often this happened somehow emotionally, impulsively, and in many cases the realization of the act came much later than the act itself.

Therefore, I will first share my negative experience, and then I will talk about what worked for me.

Different types of scammers

1. Collecting money in boxes (box promotions)

Now very often at traffic lights, young people collect money from motorists for charitable purposes. Most often this is the treatment of children from severe ailments.

I gave money several times, but then I started to have questions. Where does the money go and does it go to the stated goals? Why are young people fundraising? Indeed, at the age of 16-22 years, the priorities are most often directed not to helping others.

I started to know. It was not difficult to do this, since most often the names of the funds are written on the capes of the guys. And not very pleasant information surfaced.

Firstly, the guys who collect money most often get their percentage of all the funds raised. Sometimes the reward can reach 20-30%. This is a slightly embarrassing moment. After all, I gave money for the treatment of a child, and not for the purchase of a new iPhone or an evening “beer” for an unemployed student.

But this is not the saddest thing. The sad thing is that sometimes the funds advertised on T-shirts did not exist at all, or they did not have the stocks for which the money was collected. It was even worse when it was revealed that the money was used to buy new cars, apartments and other rubbish for the founders of the "fund" and their relatives.

You could see similar box actions not only at crossroads. Very often, fundraising is also carried out at retail outlets: shops, pharmacies.

And, of course, among the initiators of such actions there are many honest funds that really did what they announced. But I didn’t understand how to unambiguously identify them in 30 seconds, standing at a traffic light or in front of the cash register, so I stopped taking part in such promotions. There are other alternatives, so I don't worry about losing anything.

By the way, I think you all know where such actions came from: in every church there is such a box for collecting donations. But in temples, no one really collects to help others - all the money is mainly collected for the construction of temples.

But where they actually go, you could already understand by the expensive Mercedes of the “holy” fathers and their disappearing expensive watches. I don't understand how you can even give money to those who themselves do not follow what other people teach, but that's another story.

2. Shares in social networks

I think each of you have seen posts on social networks more than once that "urgently need help ... details for transferring funds ... thanks for the repost."

Yes, if a friend of yours makes a similar post and you are sure that you can help, and your friend confirms that the money will really go to a good cause, then this is a great option!

But very often there is a flurry of similar ones with very touching stories that everyone reposts without even checking the information.

Have you ever tried to call the numbers listed in such posts? I think that before you repost or send money, you should not be lazy at least to do it.

Very often, on the other side of the phone, they begin to say something not very intelligible in response to your "in-depth" questions. And sometimes it happens that money is generally withdrawn from your phone, since it turns out that the phone you are calling is paid.

Although this has become less common, since, probably, it creates some kind of tension for operators and service providers when complaints from those who have lost money begin to arrive.

Therefore, try very carefully and do not rush to send money to the details indicated in the post.

Feel free to call and clarify information, ask questions. In fact, I also suffered from this ailment before - I was embarrassed to ask questions. It seemed to me that it was wrong to question a person who was in trouble. I was wrong, and now I'm not ashamed to do it.

If you start asking questions, it may turn out that you can help not only with money, but also in some other way. For example, to advise a good doctor who once helped you solve similar problems. Or suggest some cheaper solution for related problems: transportation, money transfer, food, accommodation, and the like.

If, as a result of the call, you begin to feel that you are being lied to, then non-financial assistance can be offered as a test.

You just say:

I have a great doctor friend who will help you solve your problem for less money, and I will help you pay for his services.

Very often, on these words, the conversation ends with the second party hanging up.

If a person shows interest and begins to make an appointment with you and you understand that he really needs your help, then you can simply apologize and admit that you were forced to tell about the doctor because you did not trust him.

After that, you can send money or provide other assistance, as at this stage you should no longer have any doubts. Of course, this does not guarantee 100% that your money will go to a good cause, but it significantly increases the chances of success.

3. Beggars in the subway, in transitions, at stations, in restaurants

Once, when I was still a teenager, I was waiting for my train at the railway station. A little boy of gypsy appearance approached me, fell at my feet and began to kiss my shoes, asking for alms.

It was unbearable! I didn't give him money to help him, but just to stop him from doing it. But since my train was not yet soon, I had the opportunity to watch this baby.

He did this shoe-kissing operation several more times with other people, and each time he received money. After that, the boy just went to the food stall (and you yourself know what prices are for food at the station) and bought himself Snickers, Coca-Cola and some other sweets, ate and went on to kiss his feet.

Moreover, every time he received money. In the 30 minutes that I watched him closely, he managed to raise more money than my parents gave me in those days for a whole month.

Another situation happened to me relatively recently, but it was no less significant. In winter, I rode the subway (I'm not a big fan of digging a car out of the snow, warming it up and other "joys" of winter driving in our latitudes, so I often ride the subway in winter). And I saw a grandmother who was sitting on a bench in the corner and crying. I approached and asked what happened. My grandmother told me a very touching story that she had health problems and that they didn’t want to take her to the hospital without money.

The price of the issue was only 60 dollars, but, in fact, the life of this person depended on them. I gave her even more than she needed. I thought that it would be better for her to have extra food and other expenses. This woman seemed to me very unhappy and sick, and I was glad that I could help her.

A couple of weeks after that, I accidentally saw this grandmother, who was walking somewhere very pleased and cheerful. She did not have a shadow of those diseases that she told me about on the subway, and the fact that they could be cured in a hospital in such a short time was also unrealistic.

I realized that I had been deceived and began to take a deeper interest in the matter. I learned that very often whole systemic groups of beggars, grandmothers, cripples and children work in the subway.

Moreover, I myself know that I need to ask more questions, communicate more, but in this case, the story hooked me with my grandmother, and I lost my rational component, which helped the scammers as a result.

I also have a negative attitude towards young people who go to restaurants and other public catering and ask for money. There is a very subtle psychological moment in this that people can fall for.

For example, you just started dating a girl and came to some restaurant or fast food to have a bite to eat with her. And then a guy comes up to you, a little dirty, and asks for money for food. A girl is looking at you, and you, of course, want to appear in a positive light (well, the alpha male is the same) and give money. I have seen this many times.

If you ask the beggars: “Why don’t you find a job for yourself? You’re young and strong, after all,” they always have a ready-made answer like: “I don’t have a passport,” “I’m collecting money for a ticket home,” and the like.

But most of the time it's a lie. I tried to offer work to these guys without a passport and other documents - they immediately stop asking and leave.

And a special class of beggars - those who ask for tickets at train stations and bus stations. Of course, among them there are indeed people who need help, and I managed to find such people.

But very often, even if you buy tickets for a person and give them directly to their hands, you will be able to meet him asking at the same place after the date of departure of the train ...

The conclusion is simple: you should not give money in the subway, underpasses and other crowded places, as professionals most often work there. If you are not sure, then it is better to talk to the person, ask additional questions.

4. Disabled and crippled people who show their "defects"

You can't give money to this at all. Believe me, there are only professionals. No matter how much I talked with them, I did not find a single one who would stand somewhere in a crowded place and was not a systemic beggar.

Moreover, the demonstration of one's injuries in the open in itself requires some kind of psychological shifts ... It is very unpleasant to look at it, but you should not be fooled by it.

5. Begging mothers with young children

Have you ever noticed that children in the arms of beggar mothers never cry? I am a father myself and I remember very well the first two years of my child's life and those rare moments when he was calm during the day and gave his parents a rest.

And here, no matter how you pass, a woman with a child of 1-3 years old is sitting in the same place, and he is sleeping or in some strange state, like a trance.

You can search for more information on this subject. I was interested, and it turned out that most often the child is under the influence of drugs.

If everyone stops giving money to such mothers, then there is hope that they will stop drugging children. If you see a mother whom you really want to help, you can always talk to her, find out more information...

Conclusions on everything that didn't work:

1. If people are strangers, then do not be lazy to check the information, ask additional questions, call.
2. If a person begs on the street, especially in a crowded place, then beware: most often these are professional beggars.
3. Don't support people who do unethical things, like the example of a mother with a drugged young child.

I am sure that in the comments you will be able to supplement my words with your negative charitable cases. But do not forget that I brought them only to help you recognize scammers, and not to prove that all who ask are scammers.

Very often among those in need there are really honest people who need help, it's just difficult to identify them, but possible. Now I will share those cases that worked for me.

People who need help

1. Retirees

I have some fad about pensioners, since I most often help them. It probably happened because I spent most of my holidays in the village with my grandparents. I will never forget their kindness, care and great pies.

I think it’s not even worth saying that life is extremely difficult for pensioners. If you try to live on the pensions that pensioners in Russia, Ukraine and other post-Soviet countries have, you will understand how hard it is. A rare exception, probably, is the inhabitants of Belarus, since everyone I meet from there tells me incredible stories about high pensions. But I myself have not been to Belarus yet, so I cannot confirm it from my own experience. Maybe someone from Belarus will be able to tell in the comments.

Two special groups of pensioners who need help:

• lonely, especially if the pensioner lives alone;
• pensioners with problem children: alcoholics, drug addicts and so on.

Pensioners with problem children most often need not financial help, but psychological help, as well as help in resolving problems.

But I do not have personal positive experience, since it is difficult for a person from the street to influence relationships that have developed over a long period of time.

I myself have seen several cases when pensioners were even beaten by their children and taken away all. Stories about the seizure of apartments, I'm sure, are not news to you either.

By the way, I am sure that this is a great area for lawyers - free legal assistance to pensioners in real estate matters. Because most often in these matters there is no one to protect them. Yes, I know that this is a function of the state, but you yourself understand ...

But you can help a lonely couple of pensioners or one pensioner very simply. You can even make it your good habit.

It is very easy to identify these grandparents. Most often they wear very old clothes, but they try to take care of it: they hem it many times, make patches and the like. It is very difficult for these people to ask, and most often they do not. They just survive as best they can and save on everything. And we can help them.

Simple examples from my experience:

1. One day in a pharmacy I met a grandmother who simply did not have enough money for medicines. I was behind her in line. She didn't beg, she didn't beg. She simply lowered her head and hands and all drooping went to the exit. I paid for all her medicines and gave money. I know it's not much, but it's the simplest thing I could do at the time. And I'm sure that if at least a couple more people do this, then the life of this grandmother will become a little easier.

2. I used to buy tomatoes at the market, a lot of tomatoes. And a grandmother was standing nearby and in a box with crushed tomatoes (the ones that are cheaper) she chose one (!!!). She got ONE tomato!

I asked her why she only took one. She told me honestly that she had no money for more. She didn't lie or beg, she didn't play. She was honest with me and I somehow felt it.

I told her to collect as much groceries as she saw fit, and that I would pay for them all. And for the first time I saw genuine fear. She was afraid of me, afraid that I would deceive her or ridicule her.

She was so scared that she took another tomato (!!!). I can't tell you what happened inside of me. It was something like a bomb that blew up my entire value system.

I'm young, doing all sorts of technical things, launching projects, and there is ALSO a PERSON standing nearby, and she is just afraid that I might refuse to buy her more than one tomato.

I go to restaurants, and a woman who has worked all her life (and with pensioners this is always clearly visible in her palms and posture) cannot afford to buy food.

I bought her as many groceries as her cart would fit and gave her more money. But there was another important moment in this story.

Tomatoes that day were sold in the bazaar only by one woman, who had a very bad reputation: she cheated and deceived, was always dissatisfied and constantly grumbled.

Well, you yourself know how it happens in the bazaars not far from home: when you constantly buy, you already know everyone and try not to take anything from some. So this saleswoman was one of those "some".

But since only she had tomatoes that day, and her wife said that she needed to buy a lot of them, this whole situation happened at the outlet of this unfortunate saleswoman.

And you won't believe it. All the products that I bought for my grandmother, this saleswoman counted me with a huge discount (some up to 30-40%). Imagine the collapse of all my patterns from this situation.

First, a grandmother with two tomatoes, then a person with a negative reputation does an incredible deed, and I didn’t even ask.

Many people want to help, but they just don't know how.

But you can help pensioners not only in a pharmacy or in a market. For example, I just come up, ask about life and give at least a little money.

And very often their reaction shocks me. Sometimes they start crying. Sometimes they fall on their knees or start praying for me to God… I don’t ask for this and always stop them.

After all, that's not what I'm helping them with. I just want their life to be a little easier, because I always imagine my beloved grandparents in their place. And I don't want to imagine their life in such need.

Once again, I emphasize that I do not cite these examples in order to put myself in a good light or win positive comments about me. I just want to show that helping a person in need is very simple. Especially if it's a pensioner.

Yes, you may find it difficult to give money to someone who does not ask you for it. At least it was very difficult for me to do it the first time.

There are also some peculiarities in communicating with these people: they do not expect anything from you, and they see more danger in them than possible help. Therefore, sometimes they may avoid talking to you.

But you don't have to worry if you don't succeed. There will always be a second chance, a third, a fourth... By the way, some may refuse you, because many of them have a very strong moral upbringing and simply cannot take someone else's.

Take a closer look, perhaps there are lonely pensioners living next to you. Or you can meet them in the market, in a store or pharmacy. This is a great chance to do something very kind.

2. Participation in useful projects, volunteering

Charity is not only charitable foundations, because there are a very large number of other organizations that make people's lives better.

For example, I joined the International Rescue Service and do my best to help this organization, as I am convinced that they really work for people, they do it of their own free will and for free.

There may be many useful organizations near you that need volunteers who are ready to devote a couple of hours of their time to a good cause. It is also charity.

So even if you don’t have free money at all, you can still do a lot of good things. You just have to find the direction that you like the most and act!

3. Assistance to government organizations

A controversial direction, since no one wants to help state institutions, because they know that the work there is inefficient and they steal a lot. But our task is not to criticize the system, but to help SPECIFIC PEOPLE.

I'll tell you a simple example. In one hospice for cancer patients, the system for calling nurses broke down. Imagine a patient with terminal cancer who, for example, is running out of painkillers and unable to call a nurse...

Many of these patients have difficulty moving, and some cannot even speak. Of course, one can say that the state should take care of this problem. But the most important question in this case is, should people who are in hospice suffer before everything is fixed? I think not.

For this case, my friends and I came up with a simple solution: we bought a restaurant system for calling waiters. You know, these are wireless buttons that usually lie on the table in a restaurant and with the help of which they call the waiters.

We tied straps to these buttons and distributed them to hospice patients. They hung them around their necks, and when there was any problem, they could always call a nurse.

The company that sold this system to us made an incredible discount and sold it without markup at all. This once again confirms my thesis that people want to help other people, but do not know how.

And if you can come up with a simple idea or a simple tool, then many will participate. The most important thing in this example is that we helped specific patients who needed help, and did not wait for the state to solve this problem. But it was easier to criticize officials, right?

There are a lot of government agencies that you can help. I think you can see for yourself how inefficient this system is. If you help her become a little better, then many people will feel a little better.

A few final questions to help you get started:

Thank you for making such a great article. I will be grateful for your point of view in the comments.

When is it not worth helping people and why even sincere help can lead to undesirable consequences?

Selfless help is good. That's how we were all taught in elementary school. But how right were the teachers and parents when they tried to instill this “truth” in us?

Of course, mercy and a hospitable desire to help the needy are worthy of praise. But such altruism is not always useful in real life. We are not talking about situations where universal human assistance is meant (donations for an orphanage or a piece of bread given to a starving person). We are talking about situations in which mercenary people "unwind" us for free help in this or that matter, putting pressure on pity. This may be a request to help with business advice, or a ride to a business meeting on the other side of the city in bad weather, and so on.

And then, when such requests become regular, and only the one who asks benefits from them, it is urgent to think about it. Are you doing everything right? Let's talk about this in more detail. So, why not help people who can use your sincerity for purely personal purposes?

Do people really need help?

Extremes are always fatal. You can’t put an end to any help, saying to yourself once, as if cutting off: “Never help people!” and continue to enjoy your selfish life.

However, it is worth learning to single out from the general mass those individuals whose gratuitous assistance will cause damage to you personally and does not benefit him. First of all, if your personal time and finances are at the expense.

How often have you been asked for some small things by people with whom you are not at all in a particularly close relationship? And how often did they not even express their gratitude to you after getting what they wanted, or got off with an artificial smile? Agree, such situations were in the life of everyone.

And again - helping someone, you spend your own precious time, which could be converted into a specific amount of money.

Try to think this dogma. After all, it is unlikely that the person who turned to you with a request for a meeting will pay this amount after a joint tea party, at which you, having actualized all your own strengths, are looking for ways to develop it or solve its problems.

How not to help people who absolutely do not appreciate help?

In order to maintain a cool, judicious mind in such situations, it is necessary to be guided by the following principles.

Other people don't need help. We need to cooperate with them

Just so that help does not make one side worse off, there are a few easy-to-understand rules:

1. Never help people if they can't appreciate it!

   Each one had a story when you want to sincerely lend a helping hand to someone around you. It happens that you from the outside find something in the life of another person that prevents him from achieving success in one area or another. Many of us wanted to point out the problem to a friend at such a moment. But does it need to be done?

   As a rule, after you demonstrate to a person his shortcomings, he will take this demonstration with hostility. Few people know how to take criticism and use it to their advantage. Perhaps your communication will come to naught after this. This scenario brings the most valuable lesson into your life - give advice only when it is asked for. After all, often even the most sincere help will be accepted by others as a desire to convict the person himself of some kind of weakness.

   Even if you clearly know how to act for another person in order to improve his life or succeed in some business, give him the opportunity to make mistakes, do not impose your recommendations if you are not asked for them. Let even close people go their own way, even the wrong one from your point of view.

2. You should not help people for free if it directly concerns your field of activity.

   Where does this rule apply? Take, for example, the situation: you are an interior designer and your job is the development and visualization of interiors. In addition to the fact that such creative work can often seem simple and time-consuming to outsiders and people not familiar with the field of design, such acquaintances also have a habit of asking you to design an interior for themselves personally. For what reward? Naturally, free of charge, “out of old friendship”. After all, in their opinion, this is normal. This is where the trick lies.

   The main skill that you need here is the ability to clearly and politely refuse. And this is not rudeness - this is a necessary measure without which your capital risks decreasing. Do not evade the request, hiding behind the fact that “now there is no time” - “later” will come and you will hear the same request again. The best move here is to act as openly as possible, if possible, to offer a discount on that very “old friendship”.

3. Do not help people if you are not confident in your own abilities.

   You may notice that this advice is a little out of the general outline of the topic under consideration. But it is no less important than all that has been stated above. It happens that we sincerely want to help a person dear to us and are eager to do it as soon as possible. Often such a sincere desire does not allow a sober assessment - but can we really provide a person with truly qualified assistance? Shall we hurt?

   The essence of the described principle is extremely simple - you should not rush into battle if you probably don’t know what to do. Having the brightest motives and undertaking to help people in what you yourself are not very familiar with, you can decently “break wood”. Then time will be wasted, and even your own reputation may deteriorate in the eyes of a person you respect. Especially when the result cannot be achieved, and the person will not be able to evaluate the attempt itself.

How not to help people who do not appreciate help, and not to live with remorse?

Not when you pull him out by the collar, not when you “love him to death”, not even when you selflessly do everything without expecting anything in return.

If a person with whom neither time nor desire connects you with any benefits awaits you, be sure of your refusals and do not be afraid to upset anyone because of the norms of politeness. And if you undertake to lend a helping hand, voice an honest price for this very help. People do not need to help when your help is not a way to solve the situation, but an excuse to throw problems.

I think every person sooner or later realizes that he experiences much more happiness when he helps others than when he does everything for himself. However, in most cases, such assistance consists mainly of financial support. Many companies donate millions to charity, people collect special funds and simply add up to buy some thing for those in need ...

But more often than not, ordinary people, like you and me, do not have extra money for financial assistance. I want to do something useful and useful for others, but I don't know how. I used to have these kinds of emotions all the time. And not only when I see when someone really needs help, but just like that. The soul always yearns for meaning. And the best meaning is to give people benefit/happiness/health/(fill in yourself).

And then a simple but profound thought came into my head. After all, we are able to help others without spending a single ruble. Often the result will be even better than if we just helped with money. In this post, I have collected 5 of the most possible options for how to help other people without having extra money.

1. Time

Regardless of our social status, the thickness of the wallet and the number of lovers (s), each person has 24 hours a day that he can spend as he pleases. Why not spend an hour or two a week helping others. Perhaps your friend is preparing to move? Ask to help him. Or is your wife/mother falling down at the stove? Replace it, because everyone can cook some simple dish. You can pick up a huge number of such examples: take a neighbor for groceries, help a brother / sister or child with homework, help a friend deal with a blockage of cases, and so on.

By the way, you can visit your grandfather or your grandmother. Usually such people need to talk to someone. So give them this gift. I'm sure you won't lose much time, but these people will feel needed. This is very valuable for them, and you will immediately feel the warmth of kindness within yourself.

2. Skills

Each of us, to one degree or another, has some useful skills. Someone writes well, another draws masterfully, the third is a free programmer, the fourth is able to organize, the fifth is a professional in the field of creativity. So put your skills to good use!

Maybe you could help your friend save a lot of money by drawing a flashy logo. Or they offered a great option for a program that would save a lot of time. There are also situations when your friend takes the first steps in an area in which you are quite well versed. So push it. Recommend some literature, point out mistakes and give good advice. It will not take much time, but it will be pleasant for you and it will be useful for him.

As a rule, such help does not exhaust at all, but, on the contrary, gives even more strength. No wonder you are an expert in this field. Moreover, such assistance can noticeably advance for you. After all, when you teach something else, you yourself begin to understand it much better.

3. Information

In our age, information is beginning to be valued much more than money. The one who owns the information owns everything. But, it happens that the necessary information can be difficult to find, and you are just the one who was once interested in this topic.

For example, my friend recently decided to improve his knowledge of the English language and asked me to help him. In just a few minutes, I sent him dozens of links with very useful programs, video tutorials and exercises. It seems to be nothing unusual, but he managed to save a lot of time and thanked me from the bottom of his heart.

You can share information in advance, as I and other bloggers do. For example, Neverlex, whose blog I have been reading for a long time, recently published a post about weekly planning. I myself use this technique to some extent (in conjunction with the daily one), so I really liked the comprehensive disclosure of the topic, I advise you to read it. After all, his methodology is based on the advice of Stephen R. Covey, whom I have great respect for and tremble.

But it is not necessary to create any resource to share really useful information with others. Use pre-made ones. I am sure that most authors will be happy to host your material. I once did this, though I used forums for these purposes. Great solution, by the way. Don't forget print media.

4. Praise

Praise (do not compare with flattery) can truly work wonders. Man constantly yearns to be praised for his own efforts. Even if it is some ordinary thing that has become familiar to everyone. I was a bit surprised when I found out how much many people crave the usual words of recognition.

I think you are familiar with situations when you did something once - everyone praised it. Did it a second time and didn't notice. Starting from the third time, they take it for granted and suddenly begin to splash out the negative when it stops. In fact, there are many such examples. I bet you can remember a few things.

Sincere praise in our time is a very rare thing. But that makes it even more valuable. I myself have witnessed a case where simple words changed people. For example, once at school, a classmate of mine was praised for his excellent knowledge of biology, although he only read a paragraph well for the first time. After that, he began to intensively comprehend the natural sciences and he really liked it. Although before he could not stand them.

You can praise your wife for how well she keeps the house cozy. Parents for a good upbringing. Friends, for some not bright achievements. This does not require any skills, and it will not take much time, but the result is really impressive.

5. Unnecessary things

During the last general cleaning of the room, I found a bunch of things that now I don't need at all. Some old books, a keyboard, a mouse, a lot of clean notebooks and notepads, clothes that have become small, and so on. You can, of course, throw it all away, but it would be better to give it to those who really need it.