Seven simple ways to refuse a person. How to politely refuse a person without offending him

Refusing and refusing are two difficult tasks that each of us cause an unpleasant feeling somewhere “in the pit of the stomach.” I know from my own experience that when tempting, but not suitable for certain reasons, offers come in, each time you have to make a choice how to accept or refuse the received offer. It is doubly difficult if you yourself have to refuse someone whose materials and level of preparation do not meet the expectations / requirements of the project (because “ good man is not a profession. How to refuse and refuse so that none of the parties to the dialogue feel negative after a difficult conversation? Here are some recommendations from my own experience.

1. Always be polite and firm. If a person or project doesn't work for you, state it politely but clearly. Do not be afraid of the phrase "I, unfortunately, do not fit this format of cooperation." For 6 years of work in different companies, startups and projects, I have never seen a situation in which an honest and motivated refusal with an explanation of the reasons would be accepted "with hostility." A person or a project doesn’t suit you - refuse, and you won’t have to endure and adapt (in order to eventually understand that it’s still “not yours,” and time and effort will already be spent on “gluing cups,” which will “beat” more than once as long as you endure, just not to refuse / not to refuse).

2. Don't delay giving up. If freelancers are usually determined with “suitable / not suitable” in a day or two, then in companies for some reason it is customary to delay the longer the higher the position and the more complex the company structure. Rejection gives certainty. It didn’t work out, it doesn’t fit, there is no time, there is no vacancy, a person with such skills is not needed - report it, do not keep the opposite side of the negotiations in a “suspended” state. It is highly likely that someone is counting on you, hoping for cooperation, and you are simply stealing from him time and the opportunity to find another job or project in days and weeks of waiting.

3. If you have reasons for refusal that can be voiced, tell us about them. A reason like “they say bad things about you” should not be voiced (even if it was it that served as the basis for the refusal), if only for ethical reasons. It is unlikely to help a person change, and rumors will also be spread about you, they say, you “think about yourself, what the hell.”

And here is the reason “we can’t take you, because instead of 2 years design work you have only 1 year of experience in freelancing: you still need to work on your project management skills ”- this is what you can and should say to the candidate. A person will work on himself and even be grateful to you (unless, of course, such an applicant is adequate).

If you are a freelancer or entrepreneur and you are just being pushed too low price services, insufficient payment or onerous conditions - also do not be afraid to say this: the market and your colleagues will eventually be grateful that motivated refusals and knowledge of the cost of their services have cleared the market of "balls" and lovers of "savings" on someone else's labor.

4. If you can recommend someone in return, be sure to do it. I have repeatedly had situations when people who applied for translations or content services simply “did not fit” into the general workload schedule. But at the same time, there is a familiar copywriter, content manager or SEO specialist who just needs a client. If I am ready to recommend such a person, I will definitely do so: and the party that was refused leaves satisfied with a potential contact, and (what to hide) you can add pluses to your “karma” :) But it’s not even about karma, but about that you can offer a competent alternative to the person you are forced to refuse. The only remark: you can only recommend someone whose adequacy, skills and responsibility you are sure of at least 90%.

5. Always give yourself 12 hours to think about rejection. Even if you know from the very beginning that the project will not suit you, “sleep” with this idea, make the final decision with a fresh mind. Sometimes what doesn't work for you at first, after weighing the many pros and cons, may turn out to be a proposal that you still agree with.

MENSBY

4.6

Many take advantage of your kindness, and when you refuse, they accuse you of terry selfishness and heartlessness? Living the life you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.

There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many attribute this property of their character to the merits of a person, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “failsafe” in order to throw some of their problems onto him.

However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?

People who can't say no often don't have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they may at best expect a dubious compliment as a thank you for their dependability.

A vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in leading role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life has almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.

Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim of the executioner. And even if the “failsafe” suddenly rebels and refuses the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of terry selfishness and heartlessness.

There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you yourself want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.

Why are people afraid to say "no"?

People who fulfill other people's requests against their will, most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they don’t like at all.

So many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.

Often people, when refusing, say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.

Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming unwanted and alone.
How to politely refuse?

When we say no, we often make enemies. However, it is worth remembering what is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take on the fulfillment of burdensome obligations. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude form. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss it."

When saying "no", it is worth remembering that:

this word can protect against problems;

can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by denying what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.

There are several simple ways polite refusal, which show that this task is within the power of everyone.

1. Outright refusal

Some people believe that when refusing something, it is imperative to state the reason for the refusal. This is an erroneous opinion. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the asker hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, in the future the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincere often gives himself away with facial expressions and voice.

Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the rejection by saying: “No, I can’t do it”, “I don’t want to do this”, “I don’t have time for this”.

If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirade. No need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no”.

This method is suitable for refusing people who are aggressive and overly persistent.

2. Sympathetic rejection

This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help in any way.

For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”

3. Reasonable refusal

This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal and informal. It is suitable both for refusing to older people, and for refusing to people occupying more high position on the career ladder.

This refusal assumes that you name the real reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this, because tomorrow I’m going to the theater with my child,” etc.

It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording so that the asker quickly catches the essence.

4. Delayed rejection

This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone's request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of such a warehouse often doubt their innocence and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.

Delayed rejection allows you to think about the situation, and if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.

A reasoned denial might look like this: “I can't answer right now because I don't remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I arranged to meet someone. I need to look at my weekly to be sure.” Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later" etc.

You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.

5. Compromise refusal

Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions for assistance - what and when we can and what not.

For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but only have it ready by eight o'clock." Or "I can help you do the repairs, but only on Saturdays."

If such conditions do not suit the applicant, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.

6. Diplomatic refusal

It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot do, but together with the person who asks, we are looking for a solution to the problem.

For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or “Perhaps I can help you in some other way?”.

In response to examples of various refusal techniques, one can object that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on someone else's help. notice, that we are talking about only about the requests of people who are accustomed to "play with one goal", believe that everyone is indebted to them and abuse the reliability of other people.

However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?

People who can't say no often don't have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they may at best expect a dubious compliment as a thank you for their dependability.

A vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in the title role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life has almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.

There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you yourself want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.

Why are people afraid to say "no"?

So many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.

Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming unwanted and alone.

How to politely refuse?

When saying "no", it is worth remembering that:

this word can protect against problems;
can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by denying what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.

There are several simple ways to politely decline, which show that this task is within the power of anyone.

1. Outright refusal

This method is suitable for refusing people who are aggressive and overly persistent.

2. Sympathetic rejection

This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help in any way.

For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”

3. Reasonable refusal

This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal and informal. It is also suitable for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.

This refusal assumes that you name the real reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this, because tomorrow I’m going to the theater with my child,” etc.

4. Delayed rejection

You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.

5. Compromise refusal

For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but only have it ready by eight o'clock." Or "I can help you do the repairs, but only on Saturdays."

If such conditions do not suit the applicant, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.

6. Diplomatic refusal

It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot do, but together with the person who asks, we are looking for a solution to the problem.

For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or “Perhaps I can help you in some other way?”.

In response to examples of various refusal techniques, one can object that it is necessary to help people and that, by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on someone else's help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are used to "playing with one goal", who believe that everyone is indebted to them and abuse the reliability of other people.

One of the most common difficulties is the need to refuse people. And although there are often situations at work in which, due to your professional duties, you simply cannot say “no”, other circumstances will develop day by day that give you a certain freedom of choice. How to use your right to say “no” and correctly formulate a refusal?

Think like this: By not saying “no” at the right time, you are putting the other person’s needs ahead of your own. Do you really want it? There are many situations at work where your needs are just as important, and in some circumstances even more important than the needs of your colleagues. Remember how often colleagues refused you. And you calmly and without irritation accepted this answer. So why worry about someone getting upset if you do the same?

The real problem is that the constant "yes" is easy to become a habit, and it is really difficult to change the entrenched pattern of behavior. Think of your colleagues. Can you guess what to expect from each of them? Probably yes. Similarly, your co-workers, having become used to your dependability, are likely to come to you with so many requests that you simply cannot fulfill them. Thus, the habit of constantly agreeing to work requests will lead you to become overwhelmed, because you take on more than you can do or really should do. This leads to stress, frustration, resentment, conflict and mistakes, and over time the situation only gets worse.

So, the ability to say no when you feel like it is an important skill to master. You will certainly have situations where you want to help someone, even if it is inconvenient for you. Remember: means respecting your needs and rights as much as the rights of others, as well as agreeing to compromise when necessary.

Take it step by step and don't try to do it all at once. Try one new skill and hone it until you get it right. Be prepared for the fact that not everything will work out right away. You want to learn new skills, and there are always ups and downs in learning something new.

Many do not like to say "no", believing that there is only one way to do it - a direct refusal. Such a “no” may seem rude and aggressive. And this is usually not the impression you want to make at work. Are you trying to establish a good relationship with colleagues, but you will inevitably have to refuse someone for your own sake - your health and well-being. This means that you must be able to say “no”, but in a way that shows respect for the needs of another person. There is different ways refuse, depending on the situation. Here are three main options.

Direct rejection is the most uncompromising method, and it is rarely suitable for use at work. It is most often resorted to when someone's rights are violated. In such cases, you can loudly and firmly add: "Don't you hear me, I said no."

Asking for more information or a promise "some other time"— an opportunity for discussion, with refusal remaining among the options.

Thoughtful "no"- the most delicate way, because you show that you listened to the interlocutor.

Below I will explain in detail what each of these options are, however the choice will depend on the situation, your attitude towards it and who is making the request, because it can be your mentor, line manager, colleague or team member to whom you really want to help.

Do not try to radically and instantly change your behavior. This is especially true for rejections, as you may shock colleagues who do not expect the leopard to suddenly change color. It is much better to start small, train hard and change gradually.

9 ways to say "no"

Don't rush to answer	Before answering someone's request, take a short pause. You can ask the other person to repeat it again so that you have a few seconds to think it over. Or say "Let me think..." Check your calendar or work plan to give you time to get ready and say no.
Don't apologize too much	Apologize only when you really think it is necessary and appropriate. Many people have already gotten into the habit of repeating the word “sorry” too often. Begin sentences with "Unfortunately..." or "I'm afraid that...", but only when necessary.
Be concise	Avoid long, wordy explanations of why you can't do something. A simple phrase “Today will not work” will be enough. The following phrases may be useful - of course, when they are pronounced with friendly participation, warmth and sincere regret: "I'm sorry, but I can't do this." "Unfortunately, I just don't have time for that." "Sorry, it won't work today." (Sometimes "sorry" is fine.)
"Mirror" the behavior of the interlocutor	In this case, you mirror what and how you were asked, but still complete the phrase with a refusal. Speak in a friendly manner and with regret, look the interlocutor in the eye. You:"I don't have time in the afternoon to help you with your reports." Colleague:"But I wanted to start doing it today." You:“I understand that you wanted to start this, but I won’t be able to do it this afternoon.” Colleague:"But I need to finish everything this week." You:“I understand that you need to finish this week, but I won’t be able to help you this afternoon.”
Broken Record Technique	It is very important to insist on your negative decision, as usually the interlocutor is trying to get you to change it. Children are especially good at it! Useful technique in this case, the broken record technique may turn out to be for you: just gently repeat your refusal, no matter how the interlocutor tries to put pressure on you
Explain the reason for rejection	In this case, you briefly explain the real reason for your "no". Do this only if you want to or if it's necessary. You do not have to explain your actions to everyone who asks you for something. "I can't help you with your report today because I have a business meeting this afternoon." “I don’t have time for this because I will be busy with visitors”
Offer to fulfill the request another time	In this case, you say "no" now, but you may agree to comply with the request later. On the English language this technique is called a rain check - that is, a ticket stub that gives a fan the right to attend a baseball game rescheduled due to rain. "I can't help you today because I'm in meetings all day, but I might have some free time tomorrow".
Ask for more information	This is not a final refusal, in this case, discussion, compromise or refusal is possible in the future. How detailed should the report be? "Can you start without me?"
Ask for time to make a decision	Never be afraid to ask for time to think things through. "I need to check my work schedule, after that I will answer you." “I can't answer right now. I'll call you later"

I can't refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually, all my attempts to politely refuse and at the same time not hurt the person end either with an insult or with the phrase “well, I’ll see what can be done.” The most extreme case - this is . I don't know if a lie is small, good or half true. This is an even more difficult question.

constantly deceive - not a very good way out, which in the end will still lead to a conflict, since you will finally get confused and lie.

How to refuse your boss, who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives so that they are not offended? How do you let your friends know that you can't help them right now?

In fact, there are a lot of options, we just don't know about them.

Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now.

With the phrase “this sounds very tempting”, you make it clear to the person that his offer is of interest to you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.

A beautiful refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives, it will do it once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other recreational activities.

Remember, once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. Suddenly you like it?

But for people you don't see that often, this answer is perfect.

I'm sorry, but the last time I did this or that, I had a negative experience

Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do what he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time will be better?!”.

Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” do not work.

But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you could not be in society all day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Grandma, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into a cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of him!”.

I'd love to, but...

Another good way refuse. You would love to help, but unfortunately you can't at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.

First, starting to explain something in detail, you gradually begin to feel. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to cling to something in your story and persuade you.

Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic "I would love to, but you understand, I need to do ...".

To be honest, I'm not very good at this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this

This is by no means a translation of the arrows.

If you've been asked to do something or help with advice, and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really understands it? So you not only do not offend a person, but also show that you care and you are trying to help in any way you can.

I can't do it, but I'll be happy to help with…

On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - still help and at the same time choose what you want to do.

You look great, but I don't quite get it

What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, does not really suit her. Here the dilemma "who is more friend" arises. - the one to tell the truth, or the one to say she looks great in all the outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of an apartment, work and life partner, after all.

But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, well-known designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.

And if not? Then either say it like it is, if you are sure of the adequacy of a girlfriend or friend, or transfer the arrows to some celebrity from the world.

It sounds great! But now, unfortunately, I have a very tight schedule. Let me call you...

This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're really not in a position to help. So you not only do not offend the person, but also leave for yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.

Even at lectures on psychology at the university, we were taught that it is necessary to refuse, starting a sentence with the word “yes”, and then adding the notorious “but”.

It works, though not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to play around for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.

But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it is not because you are just lazy or you do not want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and you will definitely you can, but a little later. In the end, people must learn to respect you and your opinion. As well as you - someone else's.