Jealousy of the past. What are the real reasons? I am jealous of my wife about her past: what to do

Most of us cannot accept the fact that before meeting us, our significant other was in a relationship with another person. You imagine your girlfriend in someone else's arms with disgust, as she kisses someone else. These questions about your beloved’s past constantly torment you and prevent you from living in the present. How to get rid of jealousy towards a girl's (wife's) past?

At the very beginning of a relationship, lovers are in seventh heaven. Their feelings are overwhelming, they do not see or hear anything around. It seems that there are only 2 people left on the entire planet who are created for each other. At this moment I want to shout to the whole world:

“Stop, just a moment, you’re beautiful!” (“Faust” by Goethe).

But relationships develop over time and, sooner or later, the candy-bouquet period ends. The parties gradually begin to ask their lovers about what happened in their lives before they met. This is a normal desire, because you want to spend your whole life with this person. To trust your soul mate, you need to know almost everything about him! And, even if the answers we receive hurt us, make us suffer, we don’t stop and continue to ask about our girlfriend’s past.

Having learned the bitter truth, you begin to get angry, although you understand that you love this person and that he will never betray you in the future. But constant jealousy of the girl’s past prevents her from living in the present. The most important thing in this case is to get out of the psychological trap. People who build close (family) relationships very often encounter similar problems. And sooner or later they all find the strength to overcome jealousy.

The fact is that your loved one is always “the best” (the kindest, the purest, the most faithful, the smartest, the most loving). And it is this desire for the ideal that plays a cruel joke. Man is not an ideal creature. And he tends to make mistakes. Therefore, the next time you are jealous of your girlfriend about the past, take a look at yourself from the outside. Have you made the same mistakes? Maybe, in fact, you are also not perfect? Then why blame a person for what you also stumbled upon?

Jealousy after cheating

If your significant other has ever cheated on you, then jealousy in this case can get out of control. You begin to be jealous of her literally of everything: her past, her acquaintances, her employees, a random passerby. The fact is that after betrayal, trust in a relationship disappears. And without trust, living with a person becomes much more difficult.

Here you must weigh the pros and cons and think about the advisability of continuing your relationship. Most people, after cheating, most likely will not be able to forgive their significant other. And how can you forget such a terrible act... You can forgive, but you can’t forget!

How to get rid of jealousy of the past?

To get rid of jealousy of the past, you need to learn to cherish your soul mates. Your brighter feeling should not be blown away by a draft of doubt. No problems should weaken your feelings for each other! And even if there are any misunderstandings or problems in life, try to solve them not only with your mind, but also with your heart.

Right now you are sitting, reading this article, looking for an answer to your question: “How to get rid of jealousy of the past? How to forget everything that your girlfriend had before you? How can I forgive what she did? Now imagine that your significant other has gone somewhere, disappeared, or God forbid, something happened to her? What do you feel? That's the same! Take care of your relationships and don’t fool yourself with what happened in the past!

Hello. The fact is that I fell into a psychological trap, the way out of which I can see, but it is very, very difficult and long.
It would take too long to tell everything
I am 22 years old, my girlfriend is 24. She is my first in terms of sex, I am far from her first. She had about 15 partners by her age. These were both one-night stands and regular MCHs. She didn’t cheat, I trust her on that. She had an M+F+M experience 20 days before we had our first date.
At first, like her, I didn’t take our relationship seriously. We had intercourse on our first date. Everything was fine, now we have been together for 8 months, we are perfect for each other. But a month ago it all started, namely, ALL MY COCKROACHS came out. I was a virgin before her, but she tried everything possible. I was screaming, angry, enraged by her past. She cried, stood on her knees, begged and did not let me go, she said that she loved me. "If you want, I'll jump off the bridge to prove my love to you."

I won’t go into details, since I told her a lot of unpleasant things and did a lot of unpleasant things. He swore at her, yelled at her, said what kind of mother she would be and stuff like that. She wrote to me incessantly, called me, begged me to forgive her, that she was terribly sorry about her past, and if it had been possible, she would not have gone astray during her student years. She was from the village, moved to the big city, it was as if she was electrocuted and began to lead such a lifestyle.

I am now, in the end, with her. Our last week has been very difficult. Quarreling. I have eternal pictures and fantasies in my head of her in group sex, of how these other guys touch her. I can't look at her, I'm disgusted. But then, after just half an hour, I hug her very, very tightly, and I understand that I will never meet her like now. She is perfect as far as the present time is concerned. She completely changed her attitude towards everything. She deleted all contacts, changed her number, deleted all social media. networks for me. I stopped wearing anything short, low-cut, or anything like that. Not once in 8 months did she contact the male sex except at work. She is completely faithful to me. I appreciate it very much.

BUT I can't shake the realization that she has a vicious past. everything would be fine if there were a couple of favorite guys and a connection with him, but she had a one-night stand, just out of friendship, a group one, and whatever kind there was. and looking at her tears now and hysterics and nervous tics, she hasn’t eaten for the last 4 days, she’s lost weight, she’s nervous, she doesn’t want to leave me.

And these pictures from her past keep popping up and popping up for me.
how to deal with this? these terrible cockroaches are making me suffer. how to let go of her past?
I want to puke from the thought that someone imagined my little girl as, sorry, a prostitute with whom you can have a group sex or have sex for one night.

According to her, the group act as such did not work out, because the second person was nervous and, in general, it was a matter of turns. That is, separately. She says that she didn’t feel anything, didn’t think with her head what she was doing. That she didn't care about herself or her future. She thought that no one could love her.

I don't know why I asked so much about her past. DON'T KNOW. At least kill him.
Jealousy, contempt and a certain envy were intertwined in me. Like, why did she have everything, I didn’t. But most of all, I was already physically and mentally exhausted by the fact that these pictures of M+F+M were always flashing before my eyes. I stayed with her, tried to forget, change these pictures for bright memories with her. It seems to help, but then you have to start all over again.

But I love her. and I want to be with her. WHAT TO DO?!

Ps I understand that her importance is greatly overestimated, just like my importance in her eyes. she tells me, I want to be with you, because you are the ideal that I want to strive for.

I want to overcome these cockroaches within myself for her sake and am ready to be with her. After all, I was happy when I didn’t know her past, it turns out that everything is spoiled only by the knowledge that she will now be so sweet and faithful, she kissed someone else, the first person she met, and she was not at all disgusted by it (

After a week, this began to manifest itself less violently in me. I have become calmer and more reserved, and I bring up this topic less. But after sexual intercourse with her, pictures from the past with her participation again overwhelm me and I sit without the mood. Or like now, once a day, let it overwhelm you. What to do? It is unbearable.

Hello! I would never have thought that it would come to this, but it happened - I began to be jealous of my wife for her past. Attempts to calm yourself down and switch to another topic do not lead to success. At work, I try not to think about it, but no, no, the thought will pop up in my head again, while I’m driving to or from work, I’m trying to conduct a dialogue with myself and sort everything out, I calm down... then again. In general, all this began to interfere with living a full life. I love my wife madly, we have a child, soon there will be a second one. We rarely fight and mostly it’s all about this topic. The reasons described above are partly inherent to me: there was no father, but although he was not 100% replaced by his stepfather. Of course, I still have a grudge against my own father in my soul, and there is no full-fledged spiritual connection with the new father, we are more like friends, I did not receive full-fledged paternal support from him in the psychological sense. Well, in general, we had and still have a very friendly family, everyone loves and respects each other, there have never been any quarrels. But on the point where the guy had 3 partners, and the girl...twenty...
Before meeting my wife, I had a long relationship, about 6 years. Before the relationship, a couple of connections from youth. As for the wife. We have known each other for a long time before we met, and I knew her former partner with whom, according to her, they had an open relationship. The first, as it seems to me, alarming fact (in my head - with whom else could there be such an open relationship?) She explains this by the fact that serious relationship she didn't need them then. At the time we met, I knew that she had a lot of guy friends with whom she kept in touch, but now, of course, she has stopped communicating and no one writes to her, and even if they write, I don’t check and it doesn’t particularly bother me. I asked about them and she said that they were all just friends and there were no connections with them. various reasons. There were also suitors who showered her with gifts, and again she said that she had no feelings or attraction for them either. She had an unsuccessful experience of first love, the young man was older than her and, at her words, began to take walks often, and they parted, then got back together, and at the same time she had this fickle partner whom I know. As she says, after that she abandoned the idea of ​​a family and decided to live a free life. She studied, then worked, and all the time she had these “friends” and suitors. And then one day I decided to ask her how many were there before me and she answered that I was the fifth. This suited me quite well and I had no complaints - well, in fact, I reassured myself, she had her own personal life, and this amount was quite adequate (if you take into account the period from 18 to 21 years old when she and I tied the knot. I was 26 at that time). But for the sake of my curiosity, after a while I asked her again and asked her to give her word (we have one internal family ritual - the expression by which we express an oath to what was said) and she refused...! I say how can this be, are you deceiving me? In response, grins and expressions like why are you pestering me again with your stupid jealousies. I told her that it’s enough for you to confirm what you said earlier and everything. She said - no, I won’t do this, I’m not interested in this topic, and I will never tell you how many there were... It simply killed me. It would be better if I thought all my life that I was fifth, why did I start asking. Now I'm in oblivion, and this is even worse. I told her that now I would constantly be tormented and think that she has 45 of them, and she says, well, think about it, she also jokes that there are 101. I stopped new attempts at questioning, because this leads to a quarrel. I try not to touch on this topic, but as I said, it bothers me. I’m thrown by the thought that she’s just pranking me (which is most likely the case), but on the contrary the thought arises - she’s had so many of them that she’s afraid of hurting me with this. I don’t know what to do. I understand with my head that this is all nonsense and that we need to live on and love each other, children and enjoy every moment of our lives. But is it difficult to answer her in the affirmative?
Connecting logic and putting everything on the shelves, I understand that most likely there really weren’t many of them and that she just had such a reaction (she apparently doesn’t understand my mental illness about this and the torment that I experience). Well, there can’t be many connections in such a short period, unless you go to the panel! Besides, our city is not big, not even small. We have many mutual acquaintances (again, guys) and everyone has a positive attitude towards her, I’m more than sure that some information would have come out of their mouths. I also periodically catch myself thinking that I simply envy her, I envy her that she had a free life and enough sexual partners, and spent most of her youth with an unloved person.
P.S Knowing my character, I won’t leave her alone with the question of quantity. Is it even worth pursuing this information? Thank you in advance for your response!

I’m 20 years old, my girlfriend is 18 years old, we were introduced to her by our mutual friend, whom I never respected, he slept with her 2 times before, but when she saw me, she liked me, but I didn’t like her, for her slightly loose manners, and I began to communicate with her friend and I didn’t communicate well with her... but at one point during a general party I asked if you liked me, she answered yes, I ignored it, we got drunk, I went into one room with her friend to sleep, she went to another behind the wall with sleep with my other friend. And the next day in the evening we started dating her. She left everyone and went with me. I felt something of mine in her. and she and I will soon be a year old and she’s pregnant, but I still have fits of rage for her past, my mind says one emotion and another.. at first I often brought her to tears, now I seem to be able to control myself.. but I still want to hear expert’s opinion.. I hope for your support and understanding. Thank you in advance for your help... and I want to add that I fell madly in love with her... during this time. (Sorry for the incoherent speech, I want to say everything simply at once)

Answers from psychologists

You love her, and therefore you are afraid of losing her, you want her to belong to you all, always, even her past, and at the same time you realize that this is impossible, because she is a different person. Suffering is the other side of happiness, which gives us a strong feeling. And if there is one, another arises. We are drawn to our loved one, almost to merge with him, and at the same time it scares us and then we begin to be angry with him, jealous, in order to break away and not merge. Such a swing... But now, besides this, in your relationship there is something else important. Now your girlfriend is pregnant. This can also be scary. But the most important thing is that she is pregnant with your child. Therefore, maybe try to direct the energy of your jealousy in a positive direction? For example, taking care of the two of them. There are two of them now, it’s not just her, the old one. And the second one there is half of you yourself :).

Hello Roman! Happiness and love to you!
It would seem that everything is good and together, and you love, and are expecting a baby, oh no, it doesn’t happen like that, there must be something bad... And so a person finds this worm in himself and begins to gnaw at himself and his half!!! Why You Need It? Why are you torturing yourself and her and your child together? After all, clinging to the past will not lead to anything good, but will only pump out all the energy and strength from all of you... Live not by what does not exist, but by what actually exists now! Appreciate the fact that she found you and, having known you, CHOSE YOU! And now you judge her for her own choice! Judge not, lest you be judged! AND FORGIVE AND LET GO! Since the value of life is only in the present, just as strength comes only from the present! And when rage appears, go to the gym and hit the bag well - it will help! After all, if you face the truth, why are you better than her? Therefore, let the past remain in the past, but the way she behaves now is important and relevant! And it is important to take care of her both as a wife and as the mother of your future child! Because she now needs yours

Without leaving home, now you can very easily find out about your exes own husband on his personal page in social network. How dangerous is this for a marriage? Can online relationships like this destroy a family? What to do if your husband’s “friends” include his past girlfriends or even his wives?

When creating a family, each partner brings his past into it in one way or another. It can remain silent for some time, without causing any inconvenience, or it can unexpectedly burst into the life of a couple. Including with the help World Wide Web. The very fact of discovering such virtual communication often causes a complex of contradictory feelings: anxiety, jealousy, anger, doubt, uncertainty about the love and devotion of a beloved husband. “What should I do? What should I do? Why is she one of his friends? Why should they be friends if I’m now his wife? Maybe we should forbid him to communicate with her? What if it only gets worse, and they start dating in secret from me, and not just correspond?"

Someone creates a scene of jealousy, “interrogation with bias”, demanding to “remove her from “friends””, and someone begins to silently suspect their loved one of infidelity and fear for their marriage. In any case, a man’s virtual life casts doubt on real relationships paired with.

What do these anxieties actually hide, and what is the reason for such male behavior?

Coming out get married, many women, willy-nilly, “appropriate” a man for themselves, believing that they have the right not only to real life your loved one, but also on his past. When we are two halves, it seems to us that we are obliged to know everything, everything about each other. And then the presence of personal secrets in a couple becomes direct evidence of dislike, and living together imperceptibly turns into hypercontrol and hyperprotection over a man.

Many of us forget that each spouse has the right to his own personal space, to his own world, into which you don’t always want to let your other half in. This is especially true for men, for whom the need for freedom and independence is one of the main ones.

Even when they get married, it is just as important for them to receive recognition of themselves as men not only from their wife, but also from other women. And communicating with their exes, even via the Internet, allows them to do this. It’s nice to know that you are not only a husband, but also just a man - strong, smart, sexy, charming.

If a man “collects” his exes on social networks, this may also indicate that he is insecure, and through online flirting and friendship he raises his self-esteem, confirms his “male” status, is proud of his love past, feels more significant, competitive among other men and, at the same time, attractive in the eyes of women.

What else could the husband’s mysterious words “my ex and I are just friends” hide?

Any friendship between a man and a woman always contains a hint of something more, even if only for one person. It may involve a transition to the stage love relationship. Virtual communication is no exception - for an ex, maintaining oneself as “friends” may mean some hope of renewing the connection.

In fact, a man, most often, cannot end previous relationships, draw a line between what was and what is now, it is difficult to say the final “no” to his past love and devote himself completely to his family.

Perhaps, through online communication with his ex, he receives something important that he is now deprived of. family life

If there are children in a previous marriage, communication with your ex will still occur, since they will forever remain parents to their children, even if the couple breaks up. But of course, other reasons for “maintaining relationships” cannot be ruled out here.

What to do if your husband’s exes have taken a strong place in his virtual life?

• Much depends on how you found out about it - by accident, on purpose (by looking at his profiles on social networks), or he himself said about it. It’s one thing when the husband himself informs his other half about this, and quite another when she “surfs” the Internet, mobile phone looking for evidence of loyalty or infidelity. A lot depends on this, or rather, it immediately shows what kind of relationship the couple has.
• In order not to break the wood in your family life When throwing out your suspicions on a man, first of all, it is important to turn to yourself. How does this affect you? Do you feel confident next to your husband, do you have enough warmth and love from him now? Often, scenes of jealousy hide long-accumulated tension in a couple, when small complaints fall drop by drop - and turn into a fountain of words like “I knew you had someone.”
• Your family may be going through difficult times right now. The stronger the suspicion, the more insecure you are as a woman, the more fragile you consider your relationship. Your husband's virtual girlfriends are just one of the signals to see this. The discovery of exes immediately makes you think about the fact that, even as a wife, it is impossible to be completely confident in your husband and in your family. Even in marriage, each partner still remains just a man and just a woman who care about attention, recognition, and flirting. Regardless of gender, it is important for us to feel attractive and important. And virtual communication partially solves this problem.

The important thing is that the husband himself talks about this. This is where a sincere conversation is indispensable. The most common way is to “out of emotion” stage a scene of jealousy and demand to “remove them all from friends.” Just how will this affect your relationship, will this closeness between you remain? Most likely, the man will move away, trying to further protect his territory, and will finally go into the virtual world. After all, the good thing about the virtual world is that you can get away from everyday worries and endless showdowns.

• Is it worth it to be jealous of the past? Apart from the man himself, no one will tell the true reason for his behavior, including on the Internet. The only way out is to honestly admit to yourself how this situation is affecting you. How much do you trust each other? Do you feel like you are losing out to his past girlfriends in some way? The more you feel threatened by virtual rivals, the less confident you are in the strength of your connection with your husband. Before looking for new traces of his infidelity and betrayal, try to answer the question: what happened to you two? What has not satisfied you for a long time, but you remain silent, hoping that the situation will resolve itself, and “everything will be as before.”

But ex-husband so they will haunt you: they will become safe only when you feel ready to have an open conversation with your man, when you are ready to hear what he says, as well as what he does not want to say. And it is his right, as well as yours, to sincerely tell him about what worries you and causes you suffering.

If it is important for you to save your family, first of all, find in yourself the desire to appreciate what was and is between you, what makes your couple unique and strong, what protects your love and devotion to each other. As strange as it may sound, discovering “virtual” women in your husband’s life can contribute to the development and enrichment of relationships.

It is difficult to move from controlling your husband to trusting and recognizing that he is an adult who has the right to his own private life. No matter how much we want, a man makes his choice independently. The stronger the jealousy, the desire to control, to dictate who to communicate with and who not to communicate with, the less trust and sincere desire to be together. A man doesn't live with you because it's " marital duty", "oath of allegiance", but because he chose you from all others, it is with you that he wants to share his days with their victories and defeats.

You can continue to be jealous, worry, fear betrayal, and you can also see that each other’s past relationships are the experience without which you would never have met, met or gotten married. He also loved there - but something went wrong, since he could not save that relationship. And here he is with you, and he is only your husband. By choice. Be proud of your present, and do not immerse yourself in the virtual past, appreciate and take care of the warmth of your love - and then you will not be afraid of the “unnecessary third”.

Dinara Tairova psychologist, gestalt therapist

Discussion

Thank you for the article. With coming!

I don't understand at all what the problem is? Who is stopping you women from starting a correspondence with your exes? Think like a man and act like a woman (Book by Steve Harvey). Don't forget to take care of yourself, your loved one - going to the spa, to a massage therapist (!!!), to the gym. Take action, and you will enjoy playing his game by your own rules, and then you will see who will be jealous of whom.

I'm still jealous of my husband ex-girlfriends

Comment on the article “Your man and his exes. Should you be jealous of the past? 4 useful advice from a psychologist"

In previous articles in the series on jealousy, we talked about the internal reasons that prompt a person to be jealous. But besides them, there is also the behavior of your partner, who also has some responsibility for your relationship. How do you know if your jealousy is justified? Maybe there are some unsatisfied desires hidden behind it? Or maybe your partner really is behaving inappropriately? How to figure it out? This is exactly what we will talk about in the last part of the series about jealousy, and we will reflect on...

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Discussion

My friend was in an identical situation. Found everything mutual language and are family friends. The only difference is that both girls “nested” in new marriages at the same time. And NZ also had a child from her first marriage. There, the elders became so friendly that they did not share the country house :) And BZ and NZ bought a double stroller together and walked the babies every other time. Now the little thing has grown up, they go on vacation together, insuring each other.

“It is incorrect to say that children began to read less than their parents at their age,” says school psychologist Natalya Evsikova, “they simply read different literature.” Does this mean that we worry in vain? “When forcing children to read, parents often go too far and easily “get the taste,” continues Natalya Evsikova. – Parental pressure, as a rule, begins simultaneously with the start of first grade, but gradually the style of relationships based on coercion becomes...

Discussion

Good advice, I want to add. According to my observations, almost all children who were regularly read by their parents in childhood grow up to read. Moreover, it makes sense to read even to children who already know how to do it themselves (if they like it, of course). I remember how, as a child, I really loved staying overnight with my aunt; she read to her son every day at bedtime for probably half an hour until he was 10 years old. We are the same age, and I really liked listening to her.

Point 4 requires a separate answer. Because by this time the woman is hysterical (although it can happen at any time).
About thoughts. The book [link-1] will be very helpful here. M and F think differently in principle. And you will never get simple thoughts from a woman. We always say one thing, but mean many things. I mean the option of hysteria out of nowhere, of course (and not the option “I should go grocery shopping, buy this and that.” Everything is clear here. What I wrote is what you need to buy, strictly according to the list, quantity, name and brand). And at this moment, we women often don’t need your advice or special understanding. Just listen and say “of course, dear, I understand everything...” And it’s already easier, it’s already relieved. And most importantly, you don’t need to take everything personally and consider yourself guilty of all mortal sins.
This is how you work from 6 to 21, and your wife is at home all this time (as I understand it, she doesn’t go to work). Closed space, concentration on the child, she is waiting for you from work, but you are tired, and you have no time for her. What kind of love is there in this mode of operation - after 21, have dinner and sleep only, I guess. And she was waiting for you, she wanted attention, affection... She also did something during the day, she had a headache. All this accumulated and accumulated. And suddenly, for example, her favorite cup falls from her hands and breaks into pieces! All! This is a direct reason for hysteria. For no reason. You stand with round eyes, “God bless her, with this cup, dear, we’ll buy another!” And you don’t understand... But her tears flow like a river, and then she remembers everything! In reverse mode - how the child was naughty during the day, how the day before yesterday, for example, dinner was burnt, how you didn’t wish her good night, how on March 8 you forgot to give her flowers, that you don’t love her at all, etc., etc.
And here, just listen. Not in a “by the way” way, but by listening to her. Looking at her, nodding his head. BUT! NOT taking EVERYTHING personally. It is very important and necessary for women to ventilate their feelings. This happens more often in some people in the form of hysterics. When everything is already over the edge...
There is also a moment about a man’s thoughts. During debriefing, when you ask a man a specific question for which he is not ready, he answers the first thing that comes to mind. But you men really have this problem - you don’t know how to express your thoughts in words. My husband has already learned to answer like this: “I haven’t thought about it, I’ll think about it and I’ll give an answer.” I couldn’t understand everything, why think? It turns out that it is not so easy to organize thoughts into sentences, and even to say it in such a way that the woman understands you and does not see anything else behind these words and is not offended. (Remember, we say one thing, but think about many things. And therefore, in your words we are also looking for secret meaning, usually).
What to advise a woman? Let him read this book. A psychologist helped me a lot at one time. You see, all this still comes from lack of fulfillment. As soon as you dissolve in your husband and children, conflicts begin. Although, there are probably women for whom this is complete realization.
In general, the best medicine is working outside the home. Or a hobby. Child to kindergarten.
Regarding the child, there is a feeling that it is not he who lacks your attention, but you who lack communication with him. If at least half an hour every day and all weekend together, then this is quite enough, IMHO. Let mom learn to stop pranks, and dad can assent in the evening.

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Discussion

There is a government, do the following: when you or a child, no matter where, gets a large bruise, go to the police and write a statement that “HIT by an apple.”
And so every time, I think, there is still a different category than “fly by” and the government will be found (maybe YuYu will get involved and the child will be taken to a boarding school, because the problem is not in the child, but in the mother, who is not doing her job - raising children - ).

Anastasia, I don’t blame you for anything! And in principle I don’t blame anyone!
I am not defending a child who almost caused harm....it’s just strange to me in this situation that mothers advise another mother to carry out reprisals against a 10-year-old child.
IMHO..but I think that this is not the child’s problem..but his unlucky mother, who gave up on him and he grows up on his own. Children don't grow up to be monsters, their parents make them that way.
I don’t know, if this is a problem for the whole yard... then why don’t you mommies get together and shake up the mother of this child... why direct aggression at a 10-year-old?
and living in such an aggressive society, what do you all expect from children? Where do you think they got all this from? from children's books? No! they look at adults and repeat their own actions and words! We are the ones who teach children violence!
I wish you all the best!

Hello! Tell me what to do: my son is 7 years old, he told his grandmother that sometimes he doesn’t want to live, when my mother offends me (I’ll yell for something or spank me), I’m sitting in the room, and there’s a voice in my head “kill yourself ", you can jump from the roof or from the stairs (we have a Swedish wall at home) onto something sharp... Grandma says to him, “Dimochka, you’ll die then,” and he answers her: “Grandma, but your soul will remain.” "...I'm shocked how to properly talk and rid my son of these thoughts...

Discussion

Hello!

Unfortunately, I don’t know your situation in detail, what’s going on in your family and on what basis your relationship with your child is built. But I’ll tell you honestly - what you’re writing about is a serious call that needs to be paid close attention to. I really want to help you, but, unfortunately, online communication has its limitations. I can only consider and assess your situation approximately.

What is mom? Mom is the person who gave life, the closest person to any child. You write that when you offend your child, shout at him, spank him, he does not want to live. Your son needs his mother’s love like the air he breathes.

Ask yourself a question - why are you offending him? Why do you need to spank and yell at a seven year old? After all, what is screaming and spanking? This is one of the types of violence. Probably, being unable to influence the child calmly, you resort to this method of “education.” Put yourself in his shoes. For example, your husband comes up to you and says – do this and that. For some reason you refuse. He starts screaming. You don't want to again. A couple of slaps at you “ends the negotiations.” I think you will find this method of communication unpleasant.

Sort yourself out. Is everything okay inside of you? After all, if the mother is calm, the child is calm. If the relationship with the child is built correctly, there is no need to raise your voice, much less fight. Calmly explain what you want from him, listen to his opinion. The main thing is that you yourself clearly understand what you want from your son and, indeed, whether you need it.

Let me give you an example: a mother is getting her son ready for kindergarten, urges him on - come on faster, you need to go to the garden in time, and I need to go to work. And he thinks to himself: “I don’t like this job, why do I have to go there every day? I hate what I do. If I didn’t need money, I wouldn’t go to a job I didn’t like, but would sit at home with my child, and I wouldn’t have to take him to kindergarten, where there are only illnesses, etc. and so on." Thoughts are entirely negative, but the state of health is appropriate. Mom is all on edge, on edge. The child feels all this and, “reflecting” the mother’s state, screams at the top of her lungs: “I don’t want to go to kindergarten. Will not go". “Oh, won’t you go? - then a familiar situation with shouting and slaps plays out...

What did the child do? In this case, he expressed out loud that his mother was intensely thinking about everything Lately, he just “reflected” her condition. Mom doesn’t want to take her child to kindergarten for such and such a reason, much less to work. Internally, she herself does not want the child to go to kindergarten - she is afraid that he will get sick. She doesn’t want to, but she forces him. That is, he thinks and feels one thing, but says something completely different out loud.
This discrepancy is what her child expresses out loud.

Talk to your son. What's bothering him? What is he missing? If this is a lack of attention on your part, try to devote more time to it if possible. If this is a reaction to your yelling and spanking, immediately stop this type of communication and start giving your son more love and tenderness. Calm yourself internally.

If the situation does not improve, be sure to show your son to a good child psychologist.

By the way, on my website www.schastie.info I run a free newsletter. You can subscribe and regularly receive advice and recommendations on improving the quality of your life, health, improving relationships with loved ones, self-realization, finding something you love, and much more.

Sincerely,
Tatiana Gorchakova

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Discussion

I see many people have written to you that this behavior is abnormal - IMHO, it’s not so... (IMHO, what’s abnormal is something that can threaten others - or actions directed at others, against their will - you don’t do anything like that) In this case, there are just as many abnormal people , or even more than normal;) In this case, what is the norm?... Another thing is important - it torments you. Something needs to be done about this. Accept yourself first of all, unlike others. Everyone is different, they just try to be more or less similar to others in behavior. Accept yourself as jealous, scandalous - anyone, you have the right to do all this... And accept your husband and his reactions to your eccentricities. I don’t know, I can also be jealous and have a row - but I don’t blame myself for it and I don’t see anything terrible in it. IMHO, as little soul-searching and introspection as possible. This is how you can definitely go crazy, I think - there is no bottom - you can dig ad infinitum if you set a goal. Some things you just have to accept - that it is so)
About your husband - he really can fall in love and you can - and all this can happen in absolutely any family. No one is immune from this. But it's not the end of the world - it's just life. There is no need to be afraid of her)
In your posts there is a lot of “I want what he wants” - listen to this yourself;) You understand what you want - live as you want, do not build your life around your husband. Not “if he, then I...” You don’t have to be able and want to flirt, be super independent, etc. You are who you are, unlike anyone else. When you understand this and allow yourself to be anything, with any mood, life becomes much easier. And it becomes easier and easier to understand and accept others) I may not have stated it very clearly, but I hope you will understand me correctly... You are now under the weight of enormous guilt, for your actions - not terrible and not bad... What your husband does is he He does everything himself, you are in no way to blame for some of his actions... “Pushed him into betrayal and so on” - that’s all, IMHO, bullshit - you can push in the direction of someone who is moving in that direction, IMHO again. Live next to your husband, not HIM) You are not a horror, and not a destroyer of the family - I think so)
Here) everything said is just my opinion, not for debate)

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Discussion

Dashenka, darling! Maybe it will help you to look at this from a different angle: that ex is not WORSE or BETTER than you, she is just DIFFERENT and she does not suit him - after all, he broke up with her! And you come up - because he is next to you and loves you! Comparing people for better or worse, IMHO, is the last thing - after all, there are 6 billion people in the world, and for any person you can always guarantee that there will be another, BETTER (in some ways, it depends on the criterion :)). But no life is enough to find the best of all. And in general, people are so multifaceted. Better or worse is like black and white.
You are different. You are valuable on your own, not in comparison to her. Don't compare people (including yourself)! After all, every person is a whole universe. And now your husband lives in a universe whose name is you. Why would you want to become like someone else?