Pathological love for the mother of an adult son. dead mother syndrome

Mothers are sons

A woman complains about the difficulties of relationships with her adult son.

What does your son mean to you?

Oh, it's hard to put into words. This is something bigger than my life. No, I can’t explain it,” says the mother of a 25-year-old son.

Like many women, this client became somewhat disappointed in her husband by the time she was married for five years. Ardent courtship is a thing of the past. Joint interests, dreams, the great attention that he paid to her - all in the past.

Our suitors are not like our husbands. When they got married, the husband was not at home for a long time. He worked. On weekends I stuck in the garage or went hunting. He needed to meet his friends. What about her? She learned how to command: you must keep the hearth. What did she want? She wanted intimacy, attention to herself, love.

By the age of five or seven years of marriage, the husband almost disappears from the portrait of her family. Physically, he can sometimes be at home, but emotionally ... he is not.

Naturally, someone must fill the empty space in the family portrait. No, not a lover this time. My client has a SON.

Attachment to him is so strong and lasting (this is for life!), That it cannot be compared with any lover. She was comfortable with her son, their spiritual intimacy is obvious.

The husband did not crave intimacy. For many husbands, this is just an incomprehensible matter - to be interested in the inner world of his wife and share his own.

The son provided consolation. He allowed to build a warm and lasting relationship with him. That's who she always needs is her son. Being needed is the hallmark of codependents.

A daughter would not live up to her expectations. My daughter will grow up to be just like her. And the son will conquer the world, he will turn into a strong man. He will do what she herself would do if she were a man. Her level of ambition is high. The son will make up for what she, the woman, lacks.

It is possible that the son will have a different opinion about his destiny. This does not prevent the mother from idealizing him, praying for him. Can you imagine the strength of their emotional connection? Try to get away from your mother. Will not work. Strong attachment to the son gives the mother the opportunity to feel like a woman. This is an important need. To be loved, to be valued, to be respected. All this is part of the need to be a woman.

A woman with satisfied sexuality and close attachment to her husband will subconsciously communicate to her son that her attachment to him is natural, filled with joy, and not a substitute for something she needs. The son is given a calm awareness of his place in the world - he is neither the navel of the earth, nor abandoned in the worst place. Over time, he will come to an understanding of which man can satisfy the needs and desires of a woman.

An unsatisfied woman will tie her son to her with powerful chains. She just can't cut the umbilical cord. Why? It is very necessary for her to meet her urgent needs, to assert herself as a woman.

A woman in an unhappy marriage with an emotionally unavailable husband feels something like this: I don't have a man, I need a man to complement my feminine weakness, so I can't afford to lose my son. The son is all I have. She will idealize, overprotect him.

Part of her behavior is motivated by the fear of losing her son, especially to another woman. She will emphasize the purity of her love in comparison with the greed and deceit of all women who want to take possession of him. In essence, she informs him that there is no greater love in the world than her love. Do you now understand why sissies are bad husbands?

In search of self-identification, i.e. in search of an answer to the question: "Who am I?" son turns to his father. And what if the mother belittles the father, mocks the father? Then the son will not want to be like his father. And how can he admire his mother if she belittles her father? And how many such smart women who did not say in their family in front of their children: "Look what my wicked husband did last week!" In my office, my wife calls their husbands "underdeveloped", "drunks", "it", "something miserable", "the one who will be lost without me."

Let's say it fell off the tongue, her patience is not iron. But what if the humiliation of the spouse happens all the time? If the relationship between the spouses is cold, alienated? Then the son does not identify himself with the father. A process begins, which psychologists call "demasculinization" or "psychological castration." Yes, the mother deprives her son of signs of masculinity.

Until the son identifies himself with his father, he is forced to identify himself with his mother, the embodiment of the real ruling power in the house. The son will prove that he is not a weak person, as the father is considered in the house. A son may have an internal conflict - simultaneous resistance to both father and mother. The son may fight against the mother for the right to become a man. In fact, men become what they resist. In this situation, he will be like a mother. But he will not become a full-fledged man. He, being connected by a strong umbilical cord with his mother, cannot become independent.

By the mature age of the son, the internal conflict may increase. He simultaneously rejects his mother and desires her presence, but he is always comfortable with her. He does not want to have a woman who resembles his mother as his wife, but often chooses just such. He wants another woman to take care of him exactly the way his mother did. At the same time, he wishes that his wife's care was not so intense.

The son easily feels guilty towards his mother, perhaps because he did not really satisfy all the claims of the mother, she expected too much from him. Feelings of guilt can be projected onto the wife in the form of aggression, not necessarily a fight, sometimes it is aggression of feelings, words, attitudes. There is something vengeful to the entire female tribe in his position.

The mother also has conflicting feelings. She wants her son to grow up, grow and at the same time wants to take care of him as a little boy. Nothing compares to this pleasure. Motherhood is not only sacrificial, but also selfish, we give birth for ourselves. After all, she had so little joy with her husband.

She knows that her son will leave for another woman, and she hates all his sexuality, all these impulses that will tear her boy away from her. It was this feeling that dictated her desire to criticize his girls, not to call him to the phone when the girls called. And now she is very critical of his wife.

Tatyana married a man who was and still is the center of the universe for his mother. Even now, 10 years after the wedding, Alexey takes off with joyful enthusiasm when he hears his mother's call. All these 10 years, Aleksey has been comparing Tatiana with her mother and, of course, not in Tatiana's favor. What about Tatyana? Every time she asks, maybe Alyosha is right? Maybe I'm really a bad housewife? Maybe I'm really a bad mother?

Alexei visits his mother once a week and has lunch there. Lunch passes under the comment: "Let the boy eat a decent lunch at least once a week."

When the mother-in-law comes to her son and Tatyana, she looks into the closets and checks whether there are sheets with sheets, and tablecloths with tablecloths. The mother must make sure the toilet is clean. Unloved expression "The toilet is the face of the hostess."

Tatyana occasionally complains about the shameless behavior of his mother, but Alexei always says: "This cannot be, you are exaggerating everything,"

When Tatyana got married, she hoped that Alexey would take care of her. He seemed to her strong, loving, sympathetic. Tanya soon discovered that he himself expected care from her, moreover, as a child. The weight that his mother used to do for him should now be done by his wife, as he wants. Tanya does not understand why the husband is not sensitive to the needs of his wife.

It's hard for Alex. He is in a dual position, between two fires. Mom's question is in the air: "Who do you love more, her or me?"

No wonder the Bible says: "And he said: therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, that man shall not separate" (Matthew 19:5,6.)

It's not about leaving your father and mother literally, to abandon, to stop caring. It's about cutting the emotional umbilical cord and deciding who you are in the first place - the husband of your wife or the son of your mother. Both roles are important, but some role should be first and some second. Alexey did not solve this issue.

Without resolving this issue, it is difficult to “stick” to your wife, to form a new emotional connection.

An intelligent mother knows that when a son marries, his first duty is to take care of his wife. If he got married, then he took these obligations before God, and if he signed in the registry office, then before the state. Some mothers don't want to admit it, and their sons don't want to change the rules of the game.

"Mama's boys" love the joyous excitement that the mother creates around them. The son receives unconditional love. Whatever he does, he is loved. Love without any conditions, so necessary for a small child, but now out of place. He is praised for minimal services.

Sharp criticism of a son can also serve the same purpose—reinforcing the strongest emotional attachment between mother and son.

The son wants to go to work in a remote area, as happened to my nephew. What did his mother do? This decision was sharply criticized. Her arguments: you make good money at this job. Stay with what you have. Don't lean out, don't take risks. Settle for less. The main and secret desire of the mother is to be with me, need me, remain dependent on me. Explanation: my sister, the mother of a nephew, has long been divorced from her husband.

Emilia said: “My adult married son boasts of his extramarital victories over women. Well, what will I tell him? I feel sorry for his wife, but I can’t spoil my relationship with my son. What is happening to him is terrible. and tells me about it. I can't say stop these ties. I can't ruin my relationship with my son. I can't afford to lose him."

Emily can be calm. No matter how many women the son has, she - the mother - is in his first place. The subtext of his retellings of his adventures is something like this: "You, mother, are an incomparable woman. I have other girlfriends whom I use for sex. But I love only you."

The son needs this boundless motherly love, as before. He is only 37 years old according to his passport, and in terms of maturity and dependence on his mother, he is 7 years old. After all, a wife cannot give him as much unconditional love as a mother does. If the wife does something good for him, then he feels obliged to pay the same. These are already obligations. This is responsibility. repertoire of adulthood. And mother does not demand anything in return, as long as he is with her, her forever little boy.

Some men raised by single women do not marry at all or marry late. They cannot decide to break with the atmosphere of admiration that mother has created.

Polina Ivanovna, the mother of a 40-year-old son, verbally expresses her desire for Yura to marry. And then he admires the fact that he is such a caring son, he has never rested on vacation without his mother. It is noteworthy that Yura is obese. His mother made him not a man even in the shape of his body. His mother demasculinized him. A layer of fat seems to protect him from the encroachments of women.

It is easy to be a good mother if you are satisfied with your relationship with your husband or at least with your lover. A good mother sees in her son, although close, but a separate person, another, and not an extension of herself. Often "mama's boys" become addicted to alcohol or drugs.

It is very difficult to change anything in such relationships. The mother's relationship with her son is in the nature of attraction. And yet there was one woman in my group who understood this attraction to her son. She managed to change herself to some extent. Here is how she describes it herself:

My son is now 27 years old. When he was a young man, I was so attached to him that I don’t remember a moment when I didn’t think about him. If by 11 p.m. he didn’t return home, I couldn’t find a place for myself. I was a total bundle of nerves. Once he told me: "Mom, of course, I can come home even at 22 o'clock. But don't you understand that you are poisoning my life?" These words shocked me, I thought about them for a long time. Gradually, I began to realize that love and my excessive attachment are not the same thing. In the group (meaning the psychotherapeutic group), I was finally convinced that I had to untie myself from my son. What helped me? Don't know. But I often use a prayer that I learned in a group (we are talking about Gestalt prayer). Now I repeat it every day.

I do what I do.

And you do what you do

I live in this world not to

Meet your expectations.

And you live in this world not to

Meet my expectations.

You are you and I am me.

I repeated these words constantly. Of course, my love for my son has not diminished in any way. But, painful as it was for me, I cut the umbilical cord binding us and saw how he began to breathe on his own.

The son is now married. I forbid myself to interfere in his life. Trust helps me. I remind myself that my son is no dumber than me and he can understand what is best for him to do. And you know what I notice? Now we have become much closer and dearer. And I have released a lot of energy that I spend on myself. I gave my son freedom and suddenly found my own.

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SON

- The "duty" to love our parents turns us into hypocrites.
- It is necessary to get out of parental influence, stop meeting the expectations of parents.

All parents have hopes for their children, but these hopes only destroy them. One has to be freed from the guardianship of one's parents, just as one day a child leaves the mother's womb, otherwise it will become the cause of death for him. After nine months, the child needs to be born, he needs to leave the mother's body. The child has to come out, no matter how painful the mother is, no matter how empty she feels. Then one day the day comes when the child must be freed from the expectations of his parents. Only then, for the first time in his life, he rightfully becomes a man, an independent man. Then he gets to his feet. Then he really becomes free. And if parents act consciously, with understanding, then they will help the child to become free as much as possible and as quickly as possible. They will not raise their children to use them; they will teach children love.

It's time to be born into a completely different world where people work... The carpenter will work because he loves the forest. The teacher will work because he loves to teach. The shoemaker will make shoes because he likes it. Today there is complete confusion. The shoemaker became a surgeon; the politician became a carpenter. Both are unhappy. It seems that all life is seething with anger. Look at the people - they all have angry faces. It seems that everything is out of place, they are not engaged in what they are intended for by nature. Seems like there are only losers around. Everyone is dissatisfied with the very concept of benefit; it haunts them.

I heard a great story:

Once in heaven, Mrs. Ginsberg shyly turned to the angel - the heavenly clerk:
“Tell me,” she asked, “is it possible for me to see some of those who came here earlier?”
“Of course,” replied the angel, “provided that the person you mean is here.
"Oh, she's in heaven, I'm sure of it," said Mrs. Ginsberg. - Actually, I want to see the Virgin Mary.
The angel coughed.
- Yes, you know, it so happened that She is in another sector, but if you insist, then I will convey your request to Her. She is a kind lady and may wish to visit the neighboring area.
The request was conveyed to Her, and She really showed courtesy. It wasn't long before Mrs. Ginsberg found herself in Maria's company. Mrs. Ginsberg stared at the radiant figure in front of her for a long time, and finally said:
- Please forgive my curiosity, but I've always wanted to ask you this. Tell me, what is it like to have such a wonderful son that after his departure, hundreds of millions of people pray to him as to God?
“Honestly, Mrs. Ginsberg, we hoped that he would become a doctor,” answered the Virgin Mary.

Parents are always hoping, and their hopes become poison. I'll tell you what: love children, but never have any hopes for them. Love children as much as possible, and let them feel that they are loved sincerely, and not for any practical reason. Love children unconditionally, and let them feel that their parents love them for who they really are. They are not required to comply with the requirements of their parents. Children have the right to choose what they do, but this should in no way affect parental love for them.

Parental love for children must be unconditional. Only then can a completely different world be created. Then people will be able to choose and do what they like. People will naturally be drawn to where their subconscious mind is taking them.

Until a person feels satisfaction, until he finds something more important than the necessary work - a holiday of the soul, his calling, he will not be happy to have such parents as he has, because parents are the reason for his failed life. He will not be grateful to them, he will have nothing to thank them for. Only by receiving satisfaction can one be immensely grateful. And the satisfaction of a person is possible only if he is not treated as a thing. His mission is to become human. Its purpose is to realize its inner value. Its purpose is to become self-sufficient.

Is it necessary to give love all the strength?

The father insists: "Love me - I am your father!", and the child can only pretend that he loves him. There is no need for a child to love even a mother. This is one of the laws of nature, when a mother feels instinctive love for her child, but not vice versa: the child does not have instinctive love for his mother. He needs a mother - this is one thing, he uses her - this is another, but there is no such law of nature that a child is obliged to love his mother. He likes her because she helps him in everything, without her he would not have survived.

Love flows down from mother to child. Mother is the source and love flows forward to the next generation.

But the child pretends, because the mother says: "I am your mother - you must love me!" What is left for the child to do? He can only pretend, and he turns into a politician. Every child from the cradle becomes a politician. He smiles a Jimmy Carter smile when his mother enters the room! He may not be happy at all, but he should smile. He must open his mouth and exercise his lips - this helps him, this is required for survival. But such love becomes false. Having once known surrogate love, cheap artificial love, it will be very difficult to determine the original, real, true. Then the child will have to love brothers and sisters for no reason whatsoever. Indeed, who should love his sister, and why? All these ideas were planted in order to keep the family together. But this whole process of falseness leads to the fact that when a person falls in love, his love also becomes false.

You have already forgotten about true love. You fall in love with hair color - but what does love have to do with it? In two days you will not look at the color of your hair. Or you fall in love with the shape of your nose or eyes, but after your honeymoon it all seems boring! And then you have to get out of the situation: pretend, deceive. Your spontaneity has been corrupted and poisoned; otherwise you would not fall in love with separate parts of the body. But that is exactly what is happening. If someone asks you: "Why do you love this woman or man?", you will answer: "Because she looks gorgeous" or "Because of her nose, eyes, body proportions, and so on." But all this is nonsense! Such a love will not be deep, will not have any value. It will not grow into spiritual intimacy. She does not have enough charge for a lifetime; soon the river of love will dry up - it is so shallow. This feeling was born not in the heart, but in the mind. She may look like an actress, and therefore you like her, but admiring does not mean loving. Love is a completely different feeling that is difficult to define; it is mysterious, so mysterious that Jesus says of it, "God is love." For him, God and love are equivalent in meaning and cannot be defined. But such true love is forgotten.

You ask: "Is it necessary to give love all the strength?" You think it's a matter of quantity. Love is not something that should or should not be done. This is a heartfelt feeling. It goes beyond mind and body. This is not prose, but poetry. It's not math, it's music. Love is a state. But all these definitions limit the freedom of man. Love cannot be controlled, nothing can be ordered to it. You can't force yourself to love with all your might. But that's what people are doing, that's why there is no love in the world.

What should be the love for a mother?

A mother needs to be loved in a completely different way. She is not your lover, she cannot be. If you become too attached to your mother, you will not be able to find a lover. Deep inside you will be very angry with her, because it was because of her that you could not go to another woman. Leaving parents is a stage of human development - just like the fetus is inside the mother, and then leaves her. So when a child leaves the mother, it's like... a betrayal. But if inside the mother the child thought: "How can I leave the mother who gave me life?", then it would kill both him and her. He is forced to leave his mother's body.

In the beginning, the child was one with the mother; but then the umbilical cord needs to be cut. He begins to breathe on his own - this is the beginning of his development, growth. He becomes an individual, he starts functioning separately. But for many years he will still be addicted. He needs milk, food, a roof over his head, love - he depends on his mother for everything; he is helpless. But as he gets stronger, he starts to move further and further away. Milk is no longer needed, but now he has to depend on another kind of food. And that alienates him even more.

One day he'll go to school, make some friends. Becoming a young man, he will fall in love with a girl and almost completely forget about his mother, because his new woman occupied his whole being, stunned his feelings. If it doesn't, then something is broken. If the mother tries to cling to him, then she is not fulfilling her motherly duty. This duty is very delicate. The mother must contribute to the development, the strength of the son so that he can leave her. This is her love. Then she does her duty. If the son continues to cling to his mother, then he is doing wrong, going against the laws of nature. It's like a river deciding to move upstream against the current... everything is turned upside down.

Mother is your source. If the son swims towards his mother, he will swim against the current. You need to get away from her. The river must move away from its source, heading towards the ocean. But this does not mean that a person should not love his mother.

Remember: love for a mother should be more like respect than love. Love for a mother is more like gratitude, respect, deep respect. She gave you life, she brought you into the light. Your love for her should be very much like a prayer. Do everything in your power to help her. But your love for her should not be the same as your love for a girl; otherwise you will confuse the mother with the beloved. When concepts are mixed, you yourself will experience confusion. Remember well: in life you need to find a beloved - not a mother, but another woman. Only in this case will you become a truly mature person, because leaving for another woman completely cuts you off from your mother; the last connecting thread with it is cut off.

That is why there is a subtle antagonism in life between the mother and the son's wife; very subtle antagonism; it is characteristic of the whole world. It must be so, for the mother feels that this woman has taken her son away from her. And this, one might say, is natural.

Naturally, but unconsciously. A mother should be happy that her son has another woman. Now her child is no longer a child; he became an adult, a mature person. She should feel happy, right?

So, a person can become mature only if he leaves his mother. And this happens on many levels of being. One day the son must rise up against the mother, but with respect, deep respect. However, you need to rise up. This is where you need to show delicacy: there is a revolution, there is a rebellion, but with great respect. If there is no respect, then everything becomes disgusting, rebellion loses all charm. Something is missing in all of this. Protest, be free, but respect, for mother and father are your source of life.

So, you need to leave your parents. Sometimes it is necessary not only to move away from them, but also to go against them. But this should not be accompanied by malice. It shouldn't be nasty, everything should be beautiful and full of respect. If you decide to leave, leave, but fall at the feet of your father and mother. Explain to them that you need to leave them... cry. But tell them it's not up to you, you have to go. Life is calling you, you need to go. People cry when they leave their parents' house. They look back again and again, and in their eyes longing and nostalgia. It was a great time. But what to do?

If you continue to cling to the house, you will remain underdeveloped. You will remain a teenager. You will never become an independent man. That's why I'm telling you: leave with respect. In difficult times, help them, be there. But never confuse your mother with your beloved; she is your mother.

It is customary to talk about maternal love as a saint. And, unfortunately, very few people think about the fact that excessive maternal love can do a lot of trouble, hopelessly cripple not only the life of the mother herself, but also her child.

All the best for children?

Modern society is not sufficiently aware of the negative significance of excessive maternal love, says the outstanding Russian psychologist and writer Alexei Nekrasov in his numerous journalistic articles and scientific research. Society has a misconception about motherly love. It is considered normal for a woman to devote her life to children, put children in the first place in the family, sacrifice herself for the sake of children and take care of them in every possible way almost until old age (which is especially typical for Ukrainian reality). Meanwhile, he argues, by putting children in the first place in the general system of life values, a woman voluntarily takes the path of destroying her own family and renders a huge “disservice” to her ardently beloved child.

And is it love?

In the so-called motherly love, there are often a lot of latent feelings that have little in common with true love:

A sense of ownership, which is expressed in the belief that the child is "mine" for the rest of his life. The child is not your thing and not your property. With your help, he came into this world, and after that she became a full-fledged free person.
Selfishness and concern for self-satisfaction. Confidence that the child will certainly "should" help and provide in old age, the notorious image of a "glass of water."
Projection of own failures and unfulfilled life aspirations. The desire to realize in the child his unfulfilled desires, dreams, to make him what the mother would like to be herself, but did not become either because of weakness of will or because of laziness.
A pity. Pitying the child, the mother tries to protect him from any mistakes, to do everything herself, which develops in him such qualities as infantilism, lack of independence, passivity in life, the desire to “leave” all the time at the expense of others and rely on someone.

Thus, in a way, fanatical maternal love can rather be called only maternal feeling.

The Results of Excessive Maternal Love

They may appear as follows:

The child becomes completely dependent on the mother. He will never be able to reach emotional and mental maturity and will forever remain in the “placenta” of his mother, which will not allow him, in turn, to build harmonious relationships in his own family, if there is one at all.
The demands of an overly loved child are endless. He will constantly want more - more attention, more pleasure, more toys, etc. When such children are refused, they begin to whine and complain. The child will certainly grow up selfish and will expect the same degree of attention from other people in his life. When he realizes that other people are not going to give him the attention he is used to receiving, he often finds himself unable to bear the disappointment. Often such people lose self-confidence, drink too much, etc.

Skewed in the system of life values

Most of the problems in modern families arise due to the fact that a child or children become more important for a woman than her husband, says Alexei Nekrasov. It is worth understanding that the main purpose of marriage for a woman is not at all the birth and upbringing of children, but the disclosure of her own individuality and female essence, self-improvement through love for a man. “Believe me, it is not so important for a child that all your immense love is directed at him,” he says.

In order for a harmonious, self-confident person to grow up in a family, it is necessary that the relationship between parents is also harmonious and full of true love. And when a woman puts a child in the family in the first place, problems cannot be avoided. The husband feels superfluous in the family. “Pushed” from the first position, which is natural for him, a man will also not be able to fully realize himself not at work, not in society. The humiliation of the father will certainly manifest itself in the children. In the future, the daughter will have men who will humiliate her, and the son, following the example of his father, will grow up weak-willed and infantile. That is why wise parents, who want real happiness for their children, take care of their own relationships.

Typology of the relationship of mother to son,

to a potential daughter-in-law and pregnancy.

Of course, a wise mother-in-law will understand that the attitude towards the daughter-in-law and the attitude towards the grandson are different planes of life. But, unfortunately, very often mothers begin to transfer a negative attitude towards a girl (beloved or unloved by her son) to the baby. This happens in cases where the value of the conceived child for them is negligible compared to the value of the son and the relationship with him.

Consider the different types of distorted maternal attitudes that will be reflected in the perception of pregnancy and the type of reaction to the possibility of having a child.

1. Pathological love for the son, psychological symbiosis.

Martynova O.S. describes this type of relationship in this way: “Jealousy for a potential daughter-in-law is especially acute in the mother-in-law, who herself did not experience happiness in family life. Therefore, she gave all her love and tenderness to her son. Such a mother-in-law is convinced that the daughter-in-law cannot independently provide her son with a comfortable existence. After all, only the mother knows for sure how he should eat, dress, and rest. Her advice is so categorical that it looks more like orders. Wife's requests to intervene and demand that the mother-in-law change her behavior, the husband may not comply. After all, his relationship with his mother is also very strong. In his eyes, his mother is always right, even to the detriment of the interests of his own wife.

a) “She took my son away from me.”

If the mother-in-law is a widow, then she can unconsciously transfer her feelings for her husband to her son. In such a family, the son can fulfill all male roles, that is, take care of the mother, as the father did. It is difficult and scary for her to be alone, and the news of pregnancy (especially the first one) in such a situation can be felt as a threat to a well-functioning life mechanism. Here it is important to convey to the pregnant woman that this woman will have negative feelings for any, even the “golden” daughter-in-law, since in general the emotional separation of her son seems to be a disaster for her.

The most difficult case is when the mother raised her son alone, and the young family begins to live in the same apartment with the mother-in-law. Often the son is so attached to the mother that he is simply not able to psychologically separate from her and in all disputes begins to follow her opinion.

In all these situations, any aggression and statements of discontent on the part of the pregnant woman against the father of the child and his mother will only intensify and warm up the fears of the potential mother-in-law, therefore the best thing that can be advised to the pregnant woman is “active praise and goodwill”. Here, two types of situations should be distinguished. If we are talking about pregnancy in a married couple, there are more chances to keep the pregnancy, since the man once made a certain choice, decided to take the important step of registering the marriage, the mother-in-law has already passed the “stage of humility” with the choice of her son, and the pregnant woman herself has “legal rights to pregnancy” . If the couple is not scheduled, and especially if the child’s father does not have strong feelings for the woman, and his mother suddenly opposes the birth of a grandson, then in most cases such a couple “the father of the child and his mother” will simply disappear from the life of the pregnant woman, and we will get sad lonely pregnancy. Such fathers of the child and their mothers practically do not come to psychological consultations, since their psychological fusion is so strong that the mother is pathologically afraid of the destruction of this union, and the man is too comfortable and safe in it to decide on a “war” with his mother for the sake of a “ghostly” in his opinion, happiness with a pregnant woman and a child, especially since he internally foresees that his mother will not let him go so easily, and he does not feel the strength to pacify the fire between his mother and potential wife ...

In the case when a man decides to stay with his beloved woman and give birth to a child against the advice of his mother, the difficulties will not end there, but will get a new stage of development, which can be expressed in the position “my son will leave me when the child is born.”

b) "My son will leave me if a child is born."

There are women who perceive their son all their lives as “a little boy, their little blood”, absolutely not accepting the fact that one day he must grow up, grow up, become a MAN-husband. They spend their whole lives trying to keep him close to them, for which they can resort to accusations of ingratitude (to cause guilt in their son), feign illness, etc.

In psychological consultations with men who find themselves in such a situation, Martynova O.S. recommends emphasizing: The son does not have to pay for the rest of his life with his mother for the fact that she raised him, raised him, taught him. She did her duty towards the child. And he is obliged to fulfill his in relation to his children and his wife. Of course, parents are aging and need care. But how and to what extent to carry out this guardianship, their adult children have the right to determine.

c) “She is not a match for him”, "She and her child are not worthy of us."

Such a mother will methodically and with great zeal collect "evidence" against a potential daughter-in-law, and in the case of a wedding, against her son's already held wife. Such a mother can claim that this particular girl is simply not suitable for her son, but as practice shows, this mother, as a rule, is not ready to accept any girl into her family at all, simply because she emotionally does not want to give her “blood blood” to some stranger. aunt."

In the case when the couple is not married, and the potential mother-in-law does not appreciate the intrauterine child, and for her the word grandson and the news of pregnancy do not correlate in any way in her heart, she can go for a variety of tricks: in search of evidence that this pregnancy is not from her son , on the search for selfish motives and the intentional planning of pregnancy by “this two-faced woman”, on the collection of evidence and arguments in favor of abortion, etc. Moreover, actions can go on two fronts: she can set her son up for an abortion or disappearance from the life of a pregnant woman, and at the same time she herself calls, walks, persuades, swears, threatens the pregnant woman herself, provoking her to have an abortion or “self-destruction” from the life of her family.

As in the previous case, such a mother and such a father of the child are unlikely to come to psychological counseling, since this situation is psychologically beneficial and comfortable for them, and there are no internal incentives to change it. The pregnant woman will be extremely worried about these events, despair. The leading feeling here will be resentment, anger, self-pity, the desire to prove that “I am good”, and not “bad”, as my mother-in-law and the father of the child represent me. Most often, pregnant women complain that both the father of the child and his mother are trying to present the situation in such a light, as if pregnancy has nothing to do with them, and the pregnant woman conceived the child alone, and the man, as it were, had nothing to do with it, he also victim of these circumstances.

From experience, these situations rarely end in peace. As a rule, a pregnant woman gets tired of the accusations against her and prefers to simply forget that this man was in her life.

d) "My poor boy, he needs help."

A possible manifestation of the previous types of behavior of a potential mother-in-law may be the position of the “rescuer” of the “poor boy” from the hands of the “insidious pregnant deceiver”. Such a woman can play a double game behind her son’s back without his knowledge: spread gossip, weave intrigues in order to quarrel between her son and a pregnant woman, she can secretly bring money for an abortion from her son and, in addition to compensation, threaten, suspect.

e) “As a mother, I will follow the wishes of my son in everything.”

If in the previous cases the mother is in principle against the appearance of a woman in her son's life, and against her grandchildren, since they will burden her boy and take him away from her, then in this case the mother is not so categorical. She also has a pathological perverted love for her son, but it is expressed in unquestioning indulgence to all his whims and desires.

With this type of motivation, the mother will be a complete copy of the relationship of the son: if he accepts and loves the child, then she will do it too, if he turns away from the pregnant woman, then she will stop all communication. Talking to her in this case is useless, this is not the person whose help you should count on. She will support her son in everything, even if he is two hundred times wrong.

*** An example from the film "Moscow does not believe in tears", director V. Menshov. Katya, after talking with Eduard, is lying on her bed in a dorm room. The door opens. Edward's mother enters. Conversation snippet:

- I had a very serious frank conversation with Rudik... He doesn't love you... It was a hobby... Who didn't get carried away in their youth? Yes-ah-ah .. he was very disappointed by your scams with these professorial apartments ... So I ask you not to call us with your stupid threats anymore!

- I didn't call.

- So, at your request, your girlfriends are calling!

I didn't ask anyone...

A friend of Lyudmila, who was in the same room, admitted that it was she who called and threatened that she would write to work for her and Eduard so that they would be held accountable.

The woman started screaming:

- So work at your bakery! And live in a hostel! I personally lived mine in a communal apartment!

Girlfriend: - now is not the time ..

- Times are always the same! Before you get something, you need to earn it! Earn! There are four of us in two rooms! The only thing missing is you and your child! Here you will not pass, you will not get a meter!

- I don't need anything... I promise you that I will never ask you for anything.

- But the only way I can help you ... (holds out money) ... is this ..

 Thank you. I make good money.

- Whatever!  takes the bag and leaves the room.***

*** Case from practice. Anastasia, 25 years old. I lived with Yuri for a year and a half. From the very beginning, his mother Elena Viktorovna received her well, they called back, she herself often said that she wanted grandchildren, she asked about the wedding, she said that if pregnancy occurs, then so that they no longer rent housing, but move to live with her and her second husband (Yuri's stepfather), since they live alone in a two-room apartment, there will be enough space for everyone.

When Nastya became pregnant, Yura reacted without enthusiasm, but kindly, they began to get ready to move in with their mother-in-law. Elena Viktorovna was delighted with the news of the pregnancy, often called, inquired about Nastenka's well-being, took out children's things from Yurina's mezzanines, began to select something, rewash it so that the couple would not spend extra money on a dowry for the child.

Two weeks later, the young moved to his parents. For several days, Yura walked around as if not himself. Nastya noticed that he was becoming colder, more irritable, began to move away. This was noticed by the mother, and she began to ask about the wedding. One day Nastya returned from work, and her suitcases were at the front door. Yura gathered her things and waited at the door. He said that he no longer loves, and that it is better for her to return to live with her parents. Nastya returned to her mother in tears.

Nastya resentfully told that Elena Viktorovna never called, did not ask anything about the child. And Yura, when parting, did not say a word about pregnancy, as if she had never happened. However, throughout the pregnancy, the girl was burdened by the inconsistency between her, the father of the child and his mother.

After the birth of her son, the girl went alone without a child to them. The door was opened by the mother-in-law, she was at home alone. It was evident that she was very confused, got nervous when she saw Nastya. She refused to let her go beyond the threshold, saying that she was in a hurry, she had to run away. During a short conversation, Nastya tried to find out the true feelings and attitudes of Elena Viktorovna:

- Nastya, but if he doesn't love you, I can't do anything...

- And about the child, you are not interested in who was born, what they called ...

- Why .. only disturb yourself ... Yura does not want to be a dad, says that he is not ready yet ... But I can’t communicate with a child against his desire. How would I invite a child home, and his dad wouldn’t even say hello to him? ... And in general, you don’t need to involve me in your relationship, you decide everything yourself, it only concerns you two. I have already reflected, brought up, your business is young ... Talk to him ...

Now the child is already 5 years old, Nastya got married a second time, her husband adopted the child. And Yura and his family didn’t appear in their lives anymore ... ***

In such cases, consultation with the father of the child is important emphasize to him the pathological nature of his relationship with his mother, emphasize his dependence on his mother and, as a consequence, his own emotional immaturity as a man. To show that the situation of pregnancy is for him a chance to emotionally separate from his mother, to “grow up”, learn to take responsibility for himself, show (predict) how events can unfold in the event of his submission to his mother (probable destruction of relations with a pregnant woman) and in the event of an independent decision (growth and strengthening of his relationship with a pregnant woman). It is worth noting that a man with this type of relationship with his mother will generally come to a psychological consultation only in case of great love for a pregnant woman, an internal ripe desire to become a father, when he has strong enough motives for liberation from the influence of his mother. If there are no such internal motives, then the chances that a man will decide to fight for the sake of his personal family happiness are extremely small.

When talking with a pregnant woman it is important to help her objectively see the situation and the psychological symbiosis of the father of the child with his mother, to explain the difficulties and prospects of such a relationship: to help the pregnant woman develop a strategy of behavior with her mother-in-law and the father of the child, to emphasize that the mother-in-law would treat any other girl as badly as she treats her. And here, for the most part, the point is not in the pregnant woman herself, but in the pathological relationship between mother and son.

2. Cold relationship with the son, loss of communication.

Such a mother, knowing about the pregnancy, is unlikely to call and ask about the fate of the child - was he born or not, who is it - a boy or a girl, as they called it. The advantage is that this mother-in-law will not interfere with the birth of a child, since, in principle, she is not in her son's life. The downside is that the break in relations with the mother could be accompanied for the father of the child by a violation of emotional attachment, the emergence of negative associations with parenthood, the role of the father, women, childbearing.

3. Prolonged open conflict with the son.

A special case is when the mother-in-law is in conflict with her own son. Kalyuzhnova I.A. He comments on this situation in this way: “Do not allow yourself to be drawn into this conflict, do not take sides, and there will be no problems. If this still happened, seek help from an experienced psychologist or psychotherapist, because "swinging" either to the side of one or the other can be dangerous to your health. The main thing is that you are warned!”. The danger is that in this case the child can become an object of manipulation by the mother (mother-in-law), a means of pressure on the son.

4. Dissatisfaction with the son, disappointment in him.

This attitude is often demonstrated by co-dependent mothers whose sons become addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling. They mourn for their "boys", try to save them from a terrible disease and suffer from the futility of their attempts. They are kind, but desperate women who blame themselves for something (they didn’t bring them up that way, they didn’t watch it), they blame their spouse (he also drank, spoiled, didn’t watch it, or he didn’t). They tend to accept pregnancy without enthusiasm, but with sympathy, since this is a chance to see at least something good created by their ne'er-do-well son. To this is added a sense of guilt and shame for his son, for his weaknesses. And if the pregnant woman also suffers from addiction, then the mother-in-law can even take the born child for upbringing, pitying the baby and realizing that dissolute parents cannot give him anything yet.

5. Love, gratitude, freedom and respect.

In this type of relationship, mothers are more likely to support their son in the birth of a child, they are able to maintain the necessary border between the freedom of the son and maternal love and advice. In principle, the attitude of the mother-in-law and the degree of her influence on the situation will be mainly determined by her attitude to the possibility of an abortion in the family, to the desirability of grandchildren, and her attitude to the daughter-in-law. With this type of relationship, the mother-in-law can come to a psychological consultation, talk with social work specialists.

In general, it is worth noting that mothers-in-law rarely come to pre-abortion consultations, as a rule, only if they are specially invited and persuaded. While the mothers of pregnant women often come of their own free will, and even become the initiators of the arrival of a pregnant daughter to a psychologist. Although in both cases we are talking about the pregnancy of your own child, the possible birth of a grandson and the adoption of the role of a grandmother. Still, the daughter’s pregnancy is clearly felt by the family: their daughter’s body is changing, which does not allow them to step back or forget about the events taking place, secondly, the child will live with the mother, which means in the house of the pregnant woman’s relatives, and the woman’s family will have to take the expenses for the child . While the family of the father of the child does not see all these changes, since no external bodily changes occur with their son, and the consequences of the birth of the baby do not concern them, as it were, if the couple is not scheduled and does not live with his parents. Therefore, it is easier for his family to step back and use such a psychological defense mechanism as denial: “we don’t know anything”, “we don’t have a relationship”, “leave us alone”.

Mothers who have both daughters and sons may be softer. This creates the possibility of experiencing both positions. And there are observations showing that the most "problematic" are single mothers with one only son. In other cases, when there are children of different sexes, or only boys, or only girls, it is not yet possible to say about a significant difference in the mother's attitude towards pregnancy, and this is primarily determined by the type of parental attitude towards their child (son or daughter).

Chapter 5
close social environment.

In the diagram, this level includes: representatives of working, educational small groups; reference groups of the pregnant woman and the father of the child; friends; neighbors with whom constant contact is maintained.

Sociological research data show that women cite rejection or support from friends, an important social environment as the reasons for terminating a pregnancy or maintaining a pregnancy; situations at work or school. But at the same time, the data are not accompanied by an explanation of the psychological mechanisms of influence on the decision made regarding the outcome of pregnancy.

John French and Bertrand Raven (Mescon M.H., Albert M., Hedouri F., 1992) analyze social influence in terms of forces operating in society and forcing individuals to obey them. The authors identify 5 forms and, accordingly, the forces of influence. These are the power of punishment and coercion, the power of reward, the power of expert influence, the power of referential influence, the power of influence of power and law.

Thus, representatives of this level of the social situation can presumably be distributed according to the type of influence exerted: this is most likely to be the strength of expert influence (gynecologist, social workers), the strength of referential influence (friends, representatives of the reference group), the strength of punishment and coercion (study, work) - if a woman expects a series of hardships in her social position as a result of a certain decision, etc. However, this area is currently practically unexplored and needs further study.

***Psychological research. In 2010 Kutsenko O.S. a psychological study was carried out in order to identify the characteristics of the assessment by pregnant women in a difficult life situation of various components of the social situation. The methodology "Map of social ties" was developed. Women were asked to write in a special form the names of those people and the names of those factors that somehow influenced the decision made regarding the outcome of an unexpected pregnancy, and then give two assessments: 1) how positive or negative the named persons or other factors of the social situation have a positive or negative impact; 2) how important the opinion of this person is for the pregnant woman. This assessment was marked graphically on a 5 cm line according to the following instructions: “Note how much the opinion of this person (factor) influenced your decision, where 0 means “absolutely did not influence at all”, and the number 5 means “very strongly influenced, this opinion determined my final decision "" (when processing the results, the segment marked on the line was measured). (Kutsenko O.S. The attitude of the mother of a pregnant woman as a factor influencing the decision to have a child. / Proceedings of the Russian State Pedagogical University named after A.I. Herzen. - St. Petersburg, 2010. - N 136. - P. 164-174 .). Internet link to

Mom ... how much in this word. This is light, kindness, the power that can move mountains, revive and save from the most terrible disease. They say that the father loves the child for who he is, and the mother for what he is. That is, mother's love is unconditional and the most constant of all the feelings inherent in man. What is maternal love - in this article.

What does motherly love mean?

As often happens, until a woman has her own child, she does not understand what motherly love is. But as soon as he picks up a living lump and looks into the bottomless eyes, then, as they say, disappears. It is difficult to determine the nature of this feeling, because it is inherent in us genetically and determines the movement of evolution. Mother's love is what a defenseless infant, incapable of independent life, needs, and if he does not receive it, he may die. A mother loves her child a priori. She doesn't care how he looks, how he studies and what his character is.

She will find an excuse for any act and will be able to find advantages in shortcomings. Not every mother is capable of manifestations of tenderness, care and warmth, because much depends on the atmosphere in which she herself grew up, but in a difficult moment and in a situation of danger, she is ready to protect her child to the last drop of blood. In modern society, this is not required in the literal sense of the word. Love lies in the desire and need to give, nurture, teach, feed and clothe. As they say, prepare your old age, because children are our future.

What is motherly love?

If a woman is not a terry egoist, he will give up his own desires for the sake of his child. She is no longer alone - next to her is a part of her, and she is ready to give her the whole world. Together with the child, rejoice and cry, grow and learn new things, explore the world. She will do everything to raise a full-fledged member of society, give and teach everything that she knows herself, help to realize herself, to get on her feet. To those who wish to know what maternal love is capable of, we can answer that much, if not all.

She will move mountains for the sake of the child, she will look for the best doctors if he is sick, the best teachers if he has the ability. Great motherly love is reflected in religion. In Orthodoxy and other confessions, there are many cases when the power of maternal prayer saved a child from inevitable death. Mother boundlessly believes in her child and supports him, creates and protection, without demanding anything in return, because her feelings are disinterested.

Why is mother's love the strongest?

Because a woman understands that her child is no longer needed by anyone but her. Yes, there are many cases in history when women raised other people's children, and this was especially evident during times of war. Today, children continue to be adopted, taken into families, but often the situation is dictated by the inability to have their own. The very concept of maternal love stands apart from all others. Love between a man and a woman can end, but love between a mother and a child has no end.

Blind maternal love is called such because the mother is simply not able to adequately evaluate her child. For her, he is the best. That is why the cases are so rare when, at the trial, the mothers of even the most notorious scoundrels refused them. Not everyone is ready to admit the mistakes of their upbringing, because this would mean that the woman was a bad mother, and few are ready to agree with this.

What is blind motherly love?

Unfortunately, not all mothers, starting the much-needed care for the offspring that have been born, can stop in time and understand that the baby has already grown up and is ready for independent life. They continue to do for him what he can and wants to do for himself. Often, women who are disappointed in men give birth to a child "for themselves", making it. This is a dangerous situation that rarely leads to anything good.

Without thinking about how the child will live after the death of his mother, these women from birth put an end to his fate. As Anatoly Nekrasov writes in his book “Maternal Love”, each time helping her child, the mother takes away from him his own opportunity to improve his life. Unfortunately, such is unconditional maternal love and not everyone realizes that it has a downside.

Mother's love for son - psychology

A mother's love for her son is different from the feeling she has for her daughter. Much of this is due to gender differences. No, she does not see him as a sexual object, but the jealousy she feels for potential daughters-in-law is inherent in her from the very beginning. The son's love for his mother is strong, but she raises him to care. It is so psychologically arranged that a man finds love and care in his family when he marries, and no longer needs the guardianship of the one who gave birth to him.

Mother's love treatment

The founder of mama therapy is B. Drapkin. His treatment is based on the great importance of the mother's voice for the child. He recommends that all women, while the child is sleeping, say phrases aloud that will act as an installation. Psychotherapy with motherly love helps with various diseases, nervous disorders, tearfulness, bad sleep. You can independently compose phrases that the mother wants to put into practice, and pronounce them over the crib of babies under the age of 4 years.

Films about motherly love

"Dancing in the Dark" Lars von Trier. The picture about the difficult fate of a single mother received an award at the Cannes Film Festival.
"Where the Heart Is" directed by Matt Williams. Movies about mother's love deservedly include this picture about a 17-year-old girl who decided to become a mother, left alone.
"My Sister's Angel" directed by Nick Cassavetes. The holy love of the mother, played by Cameron Diaz, helped her daughter fight cancer.

Books about motherly love

Motherly love stories by famous writers include:

"Please take care of your mother" Kun-Suuk Shin. Family members did not appreciate the efforts of his wife and mother at all, and when she disappeared, everyone's life was turned upside down.
"Mother's Heart" Marie-Laure Pica. The book is about a woman who devoted her whole life to her children, but was forced to say goodbye to them, as a serious illness takes away her strength.
"Doctor's Call" Natalia Nesterova. The main character is abandoned by her own mother at birth. She grew up, became a doctor and came to the call to the house where the sick woman who gave birth to her was waiting for her.