Neurosis of unfulfilled hopes. About high expectations: we deserve exactly what we get
A sense of ownership, jealousy, selfishness, total control are the main culprits of all your misfortunes in a relationship with a man. Wise and clever woman must understand the nature of men and set priorities correctly in order to truly enjoy marriage.
On this topic
And yet, how strange we can be sometimes. It would seem that in personal life Everything is fine. Your couple shares one love for two, you spend a lot of time together, but one more step for happiness is still missing. And what is the reason? You are residents different planets or is your chosen one far from ideal? Or perhaps you have high expectations that are poisoning your relationship? the site was analyzed together with top-class psychologist, leading sex trainer in Moscow Ekaterina Fedorova.
We grew up on the same fairy tales, which always have a happy ending. We imagined an ideal relationship in which there is no place for mistrust, scandals and insults. Peace and understanding reign in the family. Most girls harbor this picture in their thoughts. When the time comes to plunge into the adult world, difficulties are encountered along the way that are perceived on the scale of a disaster. And instead of worrying about them, we begin to pack our bags.
Expectations that destroy relationships:
He is only mine
For some girls, the first priority is that the chosen one loves only her alone. Other people are just extras of this world. Jealousy fills the mind - and madness begins, to the point that you begin to be jealous of the guy towards his colleagues, parents, and random passers-by. Even if your loved one doesn’t give you any reason to be jealous, you will still find him. He gave up his seat to the blonde - that means she liked him; exchanged pleasantries with an old acquaintance - that means there was definitely something between them. A man doesn’t like being privatized. A chain reaction of problems begins, which are born out of thin air and turn into black smoke.
Transparent relationships
Who said that your partner would like to know everything about your past relationships, delve into all the details of dialogues with friends, know what you will buy for your wife? cousin for your birthday and what diseases did you have when you were ten years old? Every girl should have a zone where no one can invade. Relationships can be trusting, but not transparent. If a man knows more than he needs, it can one day play a cruel joke. The same goes for your companion. Daily inquiries about “where you’ve been, who you’ve met, and what you’ve eaten” are not only tiring, but ultimately set the stage for quarrels and resentments.
Free time for two
Of course, every couple should have common leisure time. You love watching movies together, playing billiards or skiing. But there is also something that he loves, but you don’t love. And this is absolutely normal for any relationship. However, some girls are not ready to accept the situation when the guy goes to play poker and you are at home, because gambling is not for you. In your mental picture, you are always and everywhere together, and the fact that he will leave you alone on a day off is unacceptable.
How to get rid of the habit of breaking up:
● Forget about ideal relationship, they don't exist.
● Accept difficulties and overcome them together with your partner.
● Trust your chosen one and accept his hobbies.
● Take care of yourself, develop and smile.
● Don’t listen to your friends’ advice; if necessary, it’s better to trust a professional.
Always remember that love is a lot of work. To build strong relationships, you will have to learn to listen, understand, accept, and forgive. Nobody knows - maybe if you slam the door, happiness will remain behind it.
Often we are really looking forward to something, and when we don’t get it, we are disappointed. Is it possible to avoid disappointment and how to do it?
Probably each of us has faced disappointment at least once in our lives.
We waited happy holiday in a circle of friends, but what you get is a noisy crowd of people with whom you seem to have nothing in common...
We hoped and dreamed of meeting a handsome prince on a white horse - but what we got was... Not a prince and not a handsome one. And not even a horse. And some strange guy nearby.
Did you expect that your child would be a great musician, and for this, from the age of two, you took him to the other end of the city to violin school? And he went ahead and declared: “I want to be a football player!” Ungrateful…
These are just a few examples of high expectations and closely related disappointments. Do you recognize yourself in them? Well, this is not a sentence at all. And a life situation that you can and should work with. And even - imagine! - be happy. About this and we'll talk in our article.
Want, expect and demand
Since we're talking about over-expectations and disappointments, let's look at each of these categories in more detail. Let's start with expectations.
So where do high expectations come from?
Every living person has some “wants,” that is, desires. And even if a person claims that he doesn’t want anything, this is hardly true. It’s just that, most likely, he wants to keep his desires to himself, without sharing them with others.
Desires live and grow with us. They can be material - for example, new cozy home or a luxury car, a breathtaking dress or an ultra-modern gadget, or intangible - how to be happy, loved, successful, a good family man, etc. But most often there are mixed desires: loving man such and such height with such and such hair color, an obedient and problem-free child, self-esteem when buying expensive material goods.
When we were little, our desires were also very modest. A new doll or car, mom’s warm hugs and a goodnight kiss, a fishing trip with dad – all this made us happy. We were not afraid to want and voice our desires: “Mom, buy me ice cream!” How could we be upset by eating fruit and berries instead of ice cream? It’s unlikely, because we knew that both were delicious. And even the refusal to fulfill our desire was not perceived as the end of the world - after crying a little, we began to want and trust the world again. After all, there are so many interesting things in it!
Growing up, a person understands that his desires are no longer fulfilled with a wave magic wand. To fulfill them, it turns out, you have to work. But, since we need to make an effort, then our desires need to be made more specific, suitable specifically for us. If it’s a dress, then it’s definitely blue and with mother-of-pearl buttons. And definitely just below the knee. A short red won't work. Not that! This is how specific expectations are born - not just “I want a dress,” but “I expect exactly this and nothing else.”
If I can ensure the fulfillment of an expectation for myself, well, I myself am responsible for it, there is no one else to blame. But what if the expectations relate to another person, but he is not inclined to fully justify them?
There may also be different variants. Either I come to terms with the fact that he cannot give it to me - and, if I really wanted it, disappointment cannot be avoided - or I begin to demand from him. “I want this and like this! That's how you should be! You must give it to me!” Is this a familiar picture?
These are inflated desires, expectations and demands, that is, the first part of the equation “Inflated expectations = disappointments”, which we have to prove or disprove.
What if it’s different?
But there are other options for how events unfold. For example, parents could be too strict and demanding towards the child, placing an unbearable burden on him. Most likely, they did this with the best intentions, but they lacked experience and knowledge. At the same time, for sins and desires that seemed “wrong” to parents, they were threatened with punishment, or, even worse, humiliation. “You’re a klutz, you don’t understand anything!”, “You won’t succeed, no matter where your hands grow!”, “You’ll grow up ignorant.”
And what is the result? Parents are disappointed in their child, and the child, in turn, develops a loser complex. It will be very difficult for such a child later, in adult life, stop believing in your worthlessness and insignificance, and become a successful person with desires, goals and motivation to achieve them. Or, on the contrary, he will strive to prove to everyone and everything that he is capable, worthy, etc. But whose wishes will he fulfill?
So is it mine or someone else's?
In psychology there is the concept of “ecological desires”. This means that your desire or expectation should not harm the people around you. That is, wishes like “for the end of the world to come” or “for him to finally change and begin to fulfill my demands” are unlikely to come true exactly as you imagine.
In addition, you need to understand that desires can be “yours” and “not yours.” The first ones are what you need. What makes you truly happy and whole.
Everyone has their own special desires and expectations. Very often other people may not understand them. For example, I want to be a good mother. This desire is very resourceful for me, I am filled with it and feel happy. And even though it is not fashionable to have many children now, there is a demographic crisis in the country, a woman must be active and successful in business, and in general, the “childfree” trend is becoming increasingly popular all over the world - what difference does it make if this desire is mine?
The second group, on the contrary, is similar for many. Mom wanted me to become a gymnast - and I, overcoming reluctance and boredom, go to training. A friend dreams of a red Mazda - that’s what I want too! And I’ll also get a second higher education degree, because “that’s how it’s supposed to be.” But who and why?
The ability to filter your desires for environmental friendliness and belonging specifically to you is a kind of art, mastering which you can avoid many disappointments. How to learn this? We will definitely talk about this, but a little later.
Charm and disappointment
So, we already know a lot about expectations. It’s time to deal with the second variable – disappointment. Why does it occur, what danger does it pose and how to avoid it?
The words “charm” and “disappointment” have a common root – “charm”. As we know, enchantment is a kind of magical, sometimes mystical power. But, no matter what it is, it is always closely connected with illusion, that is, something fictitious, far-fetched, not existing in reality. real life.
“The witch cast her spell on the prince, and he fell madly in love with her. She can’t sleep, she can’t eat, she keeps thinking about her.” So in life, we tend to be fascinated by other people, attributing to them a non-existent image, endowing them with ideal features, impeccability and perfection. After all, what they say is true is that when a person falls in love, he sees his chosen one through “rose-colored glasses”, not noticing that he a common person with its own advantages and disadvantages.
But the spell cannot last a lifetime. Very soon they stop working, and then disappointment sets in. How come, where were my eyes? What was I waiting for, what was I thinking? After all, in real life everything is real, and our prince is also “not on parade”, he can sleep until lunch, watch “this strange football” and throw his socks around the room. My God, charm me again so as not to see this!
What's really going on? After all, it was we who came up with the ideal image for ourselves and forced ourselves to believe in it. We ourselves were enchanted and disappointed. Who's to blame? Essentially, there is no one.
In addition, psychologists have long noticed such a phenomenon as projection. According to the law of projection, a person sees in another, first of all, what is in himself. That is, the people around us (especially the closest ones) are our mirrors. We criticize them for the things we hate about ourselves and admire the things we like about ourselves. In addition, we subconsciously attribute to them the desires that we ourselves possess. And we begin to implement them. Do our loved ones need this, do they want the same? This is not a fact at all.
We can talk about disappointment for a long time. We may encounter it in different areas our life.
For example, a person may be disappointed:
1. In people. When a girl gets married, she expects protection, care, love, and material support from her newly-made husband. “So as not to drink, not to party, he called his mother-in-law mom.” And suddenly it turns out that he is not like that at all. He has some weaknesses, hobbies, and he sees you with him completely differently. life together. Happens? Yes, all the time.
Or, again, the previously described cases of disappointment in children, relatives, and friends. You expect one thing, but here it is for you! - completely different. Unpleasant? Yes. And it hurts.
2. In activity. Many senior students dream that as soon as they receive their diploma, a cloudless future will begin for them. work activity and unlimited career. Where going to work is like going to a holiday. In a tie and with flowers. And then suddenly it turns out that, for example, a teacher is not only bouquets for the first and last call, grateful reviews from parents and obedient children, but also a pile of papers, disrupted lessons, conversations with the mothers of the “disadvantaged,” “debriefings” with colleagues and superiors, and mountains of unchecked notebooks at home. How can this be, because this is not what I dreamed of!
You can become disappointed in the place of work, in its content, and in the profession in general. Often a new field of activity, previously unfamiliar, saves the day. But, if there have already been more than one or two such activities, perhaps they are not the reason?
3. In yourself. This is perhaps the most difficult thing. If a person understands that he did everything wrong in life, and “this is what it all led to.” I wanted to become someone, but it didn’t work out. Didn't achieve it, didn't achieve it, couldn't. “Why strive for something if I am a nonentity, a complete zero?” Unfortunately, such cases also occur, and often.
What can you do to avoid disappointment?
It’s probably impossible to completely avoid disappointment. To do this you need to be a saint and have no expectations. But you can still learn to face disappointments as little as possible. To do this, you should listen to some recommendations:
1. Check your sustainability expectations. To do this, ask yourself questions: Does the fulfillment of my desire depend only on me? Will fulfilling a wish cause harm to the people around me? Does this expectation match mine? personal system values? Is it harmonious with my other desires? And, if expectations are connected with another person - what does he really want? How does he see this issue? And how can I help HIM achieve HIS goals?
The answers to all these questions will greatly help you look at the situation from the outside, unbiased. Is this really necessary? And what is more important - “the weather in the house” or my dreams of an ideal husband? And, of course, where will all this lead me?
2. Do some digging within yourself.– Is this your own desire? Perhaps it is someone else’s, imposed by society, by some standards and guidelines. To do this, it is useful to periodically make lists of your desires. But only those that are YOURS. How to recognize them? Very simple. Imagine that your wish did not come true to the extent you wanted. Does this picture evoke any feelings in you? If you feel emptiness, discomfort, sadness - most likely, this goal is yours. If nothing clouds your mind - well, no, then no! - that means the desire is someone else’s. Why then chase after him?
3. Avoid living by the “all or nothing” principle. If your desires are too specific, detailed, and, moreover, difficult to achieve at the moment, try to reconsider them. Let the world around you be creative and improvise. Who knows, maybe he knows better what you need? And you answer him - no, it doesn’t suit! Yes, he is one meter eighty tall, dark-haired, as I ordered, but I asked for blue eyes!
If, for example, in your work you adhere to the principle: “Either I’m super professional right away, or nothing, I’d rather lie on the couch,” you are unlikely to be able to avoid disappointment. You may not yet have enough experience, knowledge, skills, or abilities. All this can be purchased if you really want it. But - gradually.
4. Be happy with what you have. In this life it is very important to be grateful for everything. Think, or better yet, write down everything for which you are grateful to the world. Starting from the simplest: for the opportunity to live, walk, see, hear, smile, touch your loved ones, and ending with your personal “bonuses”. Is this not enough? And do you really have nothing to be happy about?
5. Learn to wait. This means not counting the minutes until the very moment when: I receive a diploma, get a job, get a promotion, etc. And live a full life, trusting the world to take care of you. Yes, you are waiting for it. But if it happens a little earlier or later, it’s not a big deal. You can still wait. After all, this is really important to you.
6. Live here and now. Learn to enjoy life every minute. Think about it, if you knew that the last day of your life awaited you, what would you do? Who would you like to see next? What would you do and say?
Often in the rush, obsessive anticipation and endless passing of days, we forget about the present. About “here and now”. Right at this moment. But only we can change it. Not the past and not the future, but the present. Yesterday is no more. Tomorrow may not exist either. But there is today. And you can be happy now. Isn't this a miracle?
Erich Maria Remarque said: “Whoever expects nothing will never be disappointed.” Of course, he is right in some ways. But this does not mean that we should completely abandon expectations. It is enough to simply let wisdom and gratitude into your life. And you will definitely win your jackpots. After all, it simply cannot be otherwise!
Live, rejoice, trust and be happy!
Have you ever wondered: why are there so many unhappy people around? Happy man It is very difficult to meet, so it seems that a life full of bitterness and troubles is normal.
In reality, this should not be the case: the normal state of the soul is joy and peace. What makes us unhappy is our high expectations for ourselves, our loved ones, our level of income, our career, and much more.
A person with excessive expectations feels that in his unstable internal state The environment and one’s own imperfections are to blame. He is sure that he is nervous because reality does not correspond to his desires, and in order to calm down, he must ensure that his dreams come true.
But high expectations differ from a healthy desire for improvement in that they are groundless - not supported real opportunities the object at which they are directed.
In essence, this is a psychological deviation that is accompanied by anxiety, nervousness, and suspiciousness.
Those who have acquired the syndrome of inflated desires always think that they deserve more than they have. At the same time, such people often do not realize that they do not meet the level of their own demands.
Thus, they can apply for positions for which they have no residual qualifications; dream of marrying an idol or marrying a celebrity. There is no limit to their ambitions.
The conflict between the real and fictional world, the inability to achieve the set goal again gives rise to anxiety and worry - the circle closes.
This syndrome grows out of an inferiority complex - through external attributes (a beautiful wife, wealth, a luxurious house) a person tries to compensate for internal lack of self-sufficiency.
Receiving a turnaround from life, he plunges even more into his complex. Both those around him and the person himself suffer from exorbitant demands.
Very often this manifests itself in the attitude of wives towards their husbands - a woman always thinks that her husband is not good enough, earns little, and does not know how to properly carry out her tasks. At the same time, she completely forgets that she is not ideal either. The wife gnaws at her beloved and is constantly upset by his slowness.
We do the same with children, demanding that they be neat and child prodigies - but they are just children learning the world through mistakes.
Excessive demands are also placed on oneself: you need to be the best, do everything to the best of your ability. top level- this is where perfectionism arises.
But here's the rub - we often deserve exactly what we get. And our spiritual harmony depends only on perception. Either we will be too demanding of our life - and therefore unhappy because it does not meet our high expectations, or we will accept it as it is.
You just need to remember that the husband (wife) and children are living people, they also have their weaknesses, and not everyone is born to become presidents of million-dollar companies.
The first step towards combating the syndrome of inflated expectations is its awareness, the understanding that this is a trap of self-deception that you should not fall into. If you constantly think that everything could be better, then you can suffer from this endlessly, since there is no limit to perfection.
The most profitable investments are usually investments in yourself. Only constant self-development makes a person interesting, both to others and to himself.
