I don't feel happy in my relationship. Reasons why we choose the wrong partners and end up in unhappy relationships
In this article, I want to look at ineffective strategies for women that are largely unconscious and therefore not talked about much. Implementing these strategies over and over again, a woman begins to feel dissatisfied and unhappy in the relationships in which she is. We will look at them using the example of interaction with a man, but the range of their application, of course, is much wider. With parents, children, colleagues, girlfriends and so on.
People enter into relationships because they have specific needs that can only be fulfilled through interaction with others.
Therefore, a relationship between a man and a woman can be called happy when both partners fulfill their needs at a sufficient level.
The level of satisfaction with something can be calculated using the formula:
Satisfaction = Reality - Expectations
If we take this formula in relation to one of the partners, then the simplest thing that he can influence 100% is expectations. This can be done by checking them for reality, by agreeing with the second partner.
I would like it to be like this. What do you think? Could you do this for me? Is this expectation of mine consistent with your goals and capabilities?
Unfortunately, few women think about what is really important to them in a relationship, and even fewer discuss them with a man. They just expect everything to work itself out. After all, “if he loves me, he will guess what I need.” The reality is that a man cannot read a woman's thoughts and guess her desires. And her part of the responsibility is to convey her expectations (but not demands) to the man.
Another feature of female behavior is investing in relationships, sacrificing something for the sake of a man, in the hope of earning the realization of her desires.
The relationship between people can be roughly represented as two accounts, which each one opens in the name of the second partner and periodically makes a contribution. At the same time, it is not forbidden to replenish your own account yourself. There is an unspoken agreement that these contributions should be approximately equal so that everyone is interested in continuing the relationship. When a woman invests in a man, she hopes that he will notice how much she has already contributed and want to contribute too. The difficulty is that the other person is not always able to assess what the investment cost the partner. Especially if you don't talk about it.
In a long-term relationship, a man begins to perceive a woman’s efforts to make his life comfortable as the norm. He is more accustomed to taking some big steps from time to time than taking many small steps every day. And therefore, a woman’s way of filling a man’s account may be underestimated. At this point the woman makes another mistake.
The score is no longer in her favor, but she continues to sacrifice instead of taking care of herself or “presenting the man with a check for payment.”
Why?
Because the woman is not used to taking care of herself. She was raised in the tradition: "Take care of everyone and then someone will take care of you." This tradition has been passed down for more than one generation. female, it is never spoken out loud, but is absorbed with mother’s milk. Therefore, the woman chooses the strategy of waiting for the man to realize that it is high time to make a contribution. But he has no idea.
When the difference in contributions exceeds her patience, she considers herself entitled:
Be offended and “sulk” at the man, showing with all your appearance that it’s time to pay the bill. But for a man, this difference and the degree of his “debt” are not obvious.
Be angry and make claims.
Both strategies are manipulative. This is an attempt to replenish the relationship bank without an open conversation. Of course, open conversation is dangerous in those couples where there is no trust in each other, where intimacy and acceptance of the other have not been established. If a woman speaks directly, she may be refused. Therefore, she acts either through resentment: “Figure out for yourself what you did wrong and correct it.” Either through presenting claims and condemnation, so that, under the influence of feelings of guilt, a man wants to improve.
Unfortunately, both of these strategies are doomed to fail.
The most common reaction to resentment is to ignore it. A man, subconsciously feeling this silent manipulation, chooses the “let it go” strategy. It’s easier for him to devalue a woman’s feelings:
I'm offended. I won’t touch it - it will “go away” on its own.
The most common reactions to accusations are “Look at yourself” or simply silence, so as not to inflame the conflict even more. The woman interprets this silence as indifference towards her.
Why does a woman choose these ineffective strategies over and over again instead of having an open and respectful conversation?
Because he is not aware of the structure of the situation and does not see his contribution to it. She is filled with righteous anger that she has invested so much in this relationship and is getting so little out of it.
The woman’s responsibility is that the situation develops exactly as follows:
1. She was the one who endured this until the last moment. Until it became impossible to endure and it became difficult for her to control her emotions.
And then the goal of conveying to the partner what does not suit her and getting a chance to satisfy her needs is replaced by the subconscious goal of “letting off steam.” Which, of course, is not consciously formulated by a woman.
2. Habitual strategies learned from childhood - react through claims and grievances. Being in the grip of emotions, the woman follows the beaten track.
3. Fear of rejection if you speak directly about your needs. She hints and waits instead of open conversation.
The paradox is that as a result, the woman receives rejection from the man instead of satisfying her needs.
However, this strategy is reinforced because at least one important goal is achieved. The scandal occurred and emotions partially came out. This makes it easier and the partner has the strength to endure for some more time. Until next time.
Over time, situations accumulate, conflict and misunderstanding increases. A woman feels that she is not appreciated, a man feels that he is constantly being “nagged” and made to feel guilty.
Partners increasingly move away from each other so as not to come into contact with painful emotions. If neither partner changes their strategy, they will move as far as possible and disappointment in the relationship will set in. There will be fewer and fewer deposits and more and more grievances. When negative emotions In a relationship, a certain internal limit of patience is crossed, people part ways.
What is the way out of this trap into which people who initially love each other fall? I think that the main readers of this article are women, so the exit algorithm will be for them.
Pfirst - realize your ineffective strategies.
Second - learn to voice your expectations and relate them to reality. Don’t wait until the last minute, start as early as possible. Take the risk of speaking openly and, at the same time, respectfully.
Third - learn to take care of yourself. If you learn to do this for yourself, amazingly and it will be easier for a man to take care of you. Because to please happy woman much nicer.
That's all. I hope you found this article helpful.
If you want only the best for yourself, learn to trust your instincts. Sometimes, you can get so lost in the ocean of feelings and emotions that you involuntarily begin to convince yourself that everything is okay, when in fact it is not. This happens very often in the relationships of many couples and this is why most girls stay in relationships that make them unhappy. They lack the courage to face the truth and would rather stay in a relationship than be left alone. Perhaps this has happened to you too and you convinced yourself that everything was fine with your relationship, when in fact everything was deplorable.
This happens all the time. However, if you don't want to waste your time and suffer, don't let this happen to you. You must protect yourself because no one else will do this but you. If you are unhappy in a relationship, there must be a reason for it. Your subconscious is trying to direct your attention to what you are deliberately ignoring. No matter what, relationships will never be easy. Even the strongest couples encounter obstacles on their way, which, however, should not become the cause of unhappiness for the partners.
If your relationship brings you nothing but a feeling of discomfort, then something is wrong with it and you should under no circumstances remain idle. Below are 10 signs that your boyfriend is making you unhappy:
1. You doubt his intentions towards you.
You don't know if he really loves you or is just using you. If you constantly doubt his motives, then he hasn't done anything to give you confidence in him.
2. You're used to him not keeping his promises.
You know very well that he is not responsible for his words. He has let you down so many times that now you simply do not take his promises seriously because you are sure that he will give you hope and then disappoint you.
3. You realize he can't live up to your expectations.
It's natural that you have certain expectations from your partner and your relationship. Also, it is quite natural that few people will be able to meet absolutely all your expectations. However, if your partner doesn't measure up to several of them, you have serious problems.
4. You imagine how things would turn out if you were dating someone else.
5. You feel like your relationship is just a game to him.
You are not sure of the seriousness of his intentions and it often seems to you that for him your relationship is a game. He plays with your feelings and emotions, and this is not at all the act of a loving man.
6. You don't expect him to apologize for his mistakes.
He never feels guilty or regrets. If he makes a mistake or offends you, he will pretend that nothing happened. He does not worry and never thinks about how his words and actions may affect others.
7. You try to be as gentle with him as possible so as not to test his patience.
He is very hot-tempered and loses his temper quickly. He cannot be patient with you and even one innocent phrase can make him yell at you.
8. He avoids conflict instead of resolving it.
He behaves immaturely and tries at all costs to avoid serious conversations with you. He cannot stand confrontation and will run away from problems and possible conflicts.
9. He only treats you well when he needs something from you.
He always has ulterior motives. He behaves nicely with you only when he needs something from you. When he doesn't need you, he won't even pay attention to you.
10. You don't expect him to be honest with you.
It's very bad if you have to question everything your man says. You cannot trust him, and without trust there can be no love. No matter how sad it may sound, it is true.
Every romantic relationship has its ups and downs. You may find it difficult to put into words what is happening in your life and find it difficult to decide to make changes. You stop feeling comfortable around this person, but you drive away bad thoughts. Fortunately, there are ways to determine the degree of toxicity in a relationship. Take a look at our tips: they are clear signs unhappy marriage.
You don't want to go home
No matter what you do, you will always have both bad and good days. This applies to professional life, romantic relationships, raising children, everyday life or communicating with friends. When you're not in the mood, you may not want to come home from work. However, if you cannot call your own home a comfort zone, this is a reason to pay serious attention to the problem. If you don't want to enter the house because of your romantic partner, you need to take time out to think and consider your future together. The desire to be alone and avoid all contact with your chosen one indicates an unhappy relationship model.
You have low self-esteem
When your love was just beginning, this man told you a lot of beautiful words, confessed his love and did everything to achieve your affection. Then the recognition and compliments became less and less, but this circumstance is not a reason for disappointment. The alarm should be sounded when the chosen one belittles your dignity and makes you feel like a worthless being. You must be comfortable with the person who lives under the same roof with you, otherwise this relationship has no future. 
Mistrust and suspicion
Any healthy relationship is built on mutual trust and respect. However, some people try to place their chosen one or chosen one within the framework of total control. They can find their soulmate anywhere by phone number, they penetrate Accounts in the computer and accounts in in social networks using a special program. They can check the husband or wife's phone while they are taking a shower. These people initially suspect their chosen ones of treason, and all these searches should provide the necessary confirmation. If your spouse also plays the role of a private investigator, this indicates that he does not trust you. 
Fear of commitment
If you are dating more than a year, but have no obligations, your relationship is at a dead end. Promises are very important for people, and most in a simple way To obtain guarantees regarding a joint future, women consider a ring on their finger, a stamp in their passport and a joint child. If after a year of your relationship you are still afraid of commitment, then you are defining this person as an in-between stage in life. 
Can you imagine a happy life without a partner?
It is normal when in a free moment people indulge in dreams, most of which are likely to be unrealistic. Almost everyone has a list of celebrities they could lose something significant for dating. However, existing in a fictional world should not displace reality from your consciousness. And if in this fictional life you are happy, but your current chosen one is not next to you, this indicates an imminent breakup. In ideal dreams, your partner should be included in your dreams. 
Love has given way to resentment
You probably didn’t notice how a black cat ran between you. Psychologists say that relationships begin to collapse the moment one of the partners begins to resent the actions or habits of the other half that previously touched him. In this situation, it is appropriate to call your spouse for a frank conversation. If it turns out that he, just like you, is unhappy in a relationship, nothing can patch the hole in your love boat. You didn’t notice how you became strangers, and now anger, indignation and conflicts will become your companions until you break up. 
You keep memories of past feelings in your memory
We all remember the past from time to time and recall joyful events associated with love. But if you constantly compare your current and former partner, if the past often wins in this comparison, this indicates that you are deeply unhappy. Such mental metamorphoses are not a sign that the old passion has not yet faded away. It's just that your current relationship is starting to become obsolete. And if you do not take measures to save yourself, very soon the flame of love will completely go out.
We talk a lot about why girls are unhappy in relationships, what mistakes guys make, and how to recognize that his intentions are not the best, but we completely forget that there should be a place for an adequate conversation. Instead of complaining that he doesn't pay attention to you or disappears with his friends, think about it, maybe he's unhappy next to you? Here are a few questions that will help you find out without scandals and without asking the main question head-on.
1. Where will we spend our holiday?
What could be more exciting than making grandiose plans for a future together? Unhappy couples don't do such things because they don't see or don't want to see that the relationship has prospects. Ask your boyfriend to plan your next trip - this question will show how willing he is to embark on complex planning, arguing, and financial commitments with you. If he's unhappy, he'll likely move away from the topic. Again, you shouldn’t sound the alarm right away; perhaps your boyfriend will say “no” because he understands that you won’t have time to save enough money or you have other plans. The main thing is “with you”.
2. Can I go with you?
If your boyfriend spends all his time without you and continues to plan his leisure time, ask him if you can join. It is quite possible that he is deliberately moving away from you. Having the right to privacy and a life outside of the relationship is normal, but only when it is not on an ongoing basis.
3. What will we do on the weekend?
Different couples have their own ideas about the weekend, but if you're left out for the umpteenth time and suspect it's not a coincidence, ask your boyfriend what you'll do next time. If he again lets you know that you are not in his plans, then you should talk about what is wrong.
4. Will you go to the store with me?
By inviting your guy to do something very boring or something that only relates to you, you can determine how strong your connection is. Such matters require patience, understanding and respect - all this is in happy relationship. But if your boyfriend always avoids the other side life together, which means he does not want to take on any obligations. Your partner should meet halfway and strive to help you or at least find a compromise if something routine needs to be done.
5. Let's open a joint account?
Money - universal method understand who is next to you. It doesn’t matter how much you earn and spend individually, but how you approach budget sharing can be the answer to the main question: “Are you happy?”
If he doesn’t agree to the offer to open a joint account or start saving money for a vacation, an apartment, a car for you, it means that he has no common interests with you, and his own expenses are a priority. He may simply not be ready, he may be experiencing financial difficulties, which requires patience from you, but if you understand that this is not the case, then the problem is in your relationship.
6. Would you like to go have some fun?
After a hard day at work or experienced stress, you just need to relax. You can do this in any way you like, but it is unlikely that someone who is happy next to you will refuse an offer to do something that will bring you pleasure. If your partner doesn't like to have fun with you, then he's probably unhappy in your relationship.
7. What good happened today?
By asking how his day was, you are showing interest in his life and support. Pay attention to whether he says something good or continues to complain and get angry? He may have problems - that's normal. But if everything that happens irritates him already for a long time, there is a reason to talk frankly.
8. What is your dream life?
Such a question can be confusing, so many people avoid answering or speak at length. Not because they don’t love you, but because it’s hard. But such a question helps to see what a person is not satisfied with and how he is going to solve his problems. If there are no hints about you in his plans for the future, then there is reason to think: perhaps he does not want to be with you, but has not yet decided when to leave. Even if there is no threat to the relationship, the answer to this question will help him deal with the underlying life values, and you can give him advice if you are in the know.
9. What are you thinking about?
When you're in a bad mood, it's important to have some space to think. A question like this is a great way to find out what is in the soul of the person you love, and show that you are open to conversation, want to listen and support. Listen carefully, do not interrupt and do not take everything as a personal insult. Then your boyfriend will be able to feel that he has no reason to hide anything from you, because you will understand everything.
10. Would you like to go on a double date?
Double dating is an activity that isn't suitable for all couples, and it's also a good indicator of whether your guy feels committed to the relationship. If he is comfortable with you, then there is no reason not to share this joy and not communicate with other happy people.
But if he is not happy in the relationship, then he will not agree to a double date.
The main thing is to find out from him why, so as not to speculate, but to know for sure: he is simply not a fan of spending time together or does not want to connect his life with you in front of witnesses.
11. Is everything okay? You look sad.
Sometimes the easiest way to find out what happened is to simply ask, without hints or coming from afar. If you've been trying to figure out if your boyfriend is happy around you for a long time, but you can't be sure if he's right, ask him why he looks unhappy and let him speak. If he avoids answering, this is also something that cannot be ignored. In happy relationships, people do not hide the reasons for their bad behavior from each other. emotional state, but maybe he is silent because you never gave him the opportunity to speak?
Loneliness is a painful feeling. When I work with a client who is struggling with addiction and ask him to look within himself to understand what feelings he is trying to drown out with food or alcohol, I often hear the same answer: loneliness. You might think that this feeling is experienced mainly by those who live alone and have no family, but this is not the case. It is in partnerships that many people feel abandoned and isolated. Relationships do not always relieve loneliness; on the contrary, they sometimes cause it.
We feel deeply lonely when we want to feel spiritual contact with someone, but this someone is inaccessible to us, does not want or cannot open up to us. This feeling is certainly present when we are alone, but often it occurs in relationships when one or both partners have lost touch with each other - because one of them is angry or withdrawn, sick or very tired .
Having lost connection with ourselves, we cannot connect with others.
Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Feelings of emptiness occur when we are out of touch with ourselves—when we fail to listen to our feelings, judge ourselves, turn to addictions to relieve painful feelings, or hold someone else responsible for our feelings.
We will always feel lonely and abandoned when we give up on ourselves.
Moreover, having lost connection with ourselves, we cannot connect with others. And these broken connections become a source of deep despair and disappointment. A person who lives alone, but at the same time loves and values himself, may not feel this painful emptiness. He is able to enjoy his solitude and maintain connections with others when they are ready to make contact.
What makes us lonely in relationships?
You may feel lonely with your partner if
Your heart is closed because this is how you protect yourself from resentment, anger or possible rejection. You cannot be in contact with your partner when you are closed.
The partner is closed, angry, or self-absorbed.
Your partner deliberately blocks communication with you, hiding behind work, TV, alcohol, hobbies, the Internet, and so on.
You adapt to your partner, trying to manage his feelings in this way. Giving up yourself for the sake of manipulation prevents you from creating a genuine soul connection.
Both of you or one of you does not want to notice the brewing conflict. The reluctance to speak openly about sensitive topics creates barriers between you.
Isolation disappears when we are open and open to each other.
You or your partner uses sex as a form of control.
You replay the relationship in your head instead of discussing it together with open hearts. Speculative analysis can be attractive at times, but after a while you feel bored and empty.
Your partner criticizes your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, or actions. Judgment and criticism divide people.
You or your partner are too tired, depressed, or unwell to keep in touch.
In a word, everything that separates us from ourselves and our partner causes a feeling of loneliness. Conversely, isolation disappears when we are frank and openly reach out to each other.
We feel connected to each other when
We are not afraid to be ourselves, to be vulnerable and to say what we think, without guilt or fear of judgment.
We are willing to face unpleasant experiences, handle them with care, and learn from them—taking responsibility for all our feelings rather than avoiding them by using different protections. When we are in touch with ourselves, we can establish connections with others, we are ready to learn something new about ourselves and our partner, especially in conflicts.
We show care and compassion to ourselves and our partner.
Finding time to be together, talk, play, love, laugh, learn and grow. We are interested in personal growth and development of our relationships.
When time together, developing the ability to love yourself and share love with each other, becomes a priority for both partners, you have a great chance of staying authentically connected with yourself and each other. In such relationships, people rarely feel lonely.
about the author
Margaret Paul- family psychologist, co-author of the book “What’s stopping you from being happy” (co-authored with Jordan Paul, Centerpolygraph, 2009).
