I don't feel happy in my relationship.

Loneliness is a painful feeling. When I work with a client who is struggling with addiction and ask him to look within himself to understand what feelings he is trying to drown out with food or alcohol, I often hear the same answer: loneliness. You might think that this feeling is experienced mainly by those who live alone and have no family, but this is not the case. It is in partnerships that many people feel abandoned and isolated. Relationships do not always relieve loneliness; on the contrary, they sometimes cause it.

We feel deeply lonely when we want to feel spiritual contact with someone, but this someone is inaccessible to us, does not want or cannot open up to us. This feeling is certainly present when we are alone, but often it occurs in relationships when one or both partners have lost touch with each other - because one of them is angry or withdrawn, sick or very tired .

Having lost connection with ourselves, we cannot connect with others.

Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Feelings of emptiness occur when we are out of touch with ourselves—when we fail to listen to our feelings, judge ourselves, turn to addictions to relieve painful feelings, or hold someone else responsible for our feelings.

We will always feel lonely and abandoned when we give up on ourselves.

Moreover, having lost connection with ourselves, we cannot connect with others. And these broken connections become a source of deep despair and disappointment. A person who lives alone, but at the same time loves and values ​​himself, may not feel this painful emptiness. He is able to enjoy his solitude and maintain connections with others when they are ready to make contact.

What makes us lonely in relationships?

You may feel lonely with your partner if

Your heart is closed because this is how you protect yourself from resentment, anger or possible rejection. You cannot be in contact with your partner when you are closed.

The partner is closed, angry, or self-absorbed.

Your partner deliberately blocks communication with you, hiding behind work, TV, alcohol, hobbies, the Internet, and so on.

You adapt to your partner, trying to manage his feelings in this way. Giving up yourself for the sake of manipulation prevents you from creating a genuine soul connection.

Both of you or one of you does not want to notice the brewing conflict. The reluctance to speak openly about sensitive topics creates barriers between you.

Isolation disappears when we are open and open to each other.

You or your partner uses sex as a form of control.

You replay the relationship in your head instead of discussing it together with open hearts. Speculative analysis can be attractive at times, but after a while you feel bored and empty.

Your partner criticizes your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, or actions. Judgment and criticism divide people.

You or your partner are too tired, depressed, or unwell to keep in touch.

In a word, everything that separates us from ourselves and our partner causes a feeling of loneliness. Conversely, isolation disappears when we are frank and openly reach out to each other.

We feel connected to each other when

We are not afraid to be ourselves, to be vulnerable and to say what we think, without guilt or fear of judgment.

We are willing to face unpleasant experiences, handle them with care, and learn from them—taking responsibility for all our feelings rather than avoiding them by using different protections. When we are in touch with ourselves, we can establish connections with others, we are ready to learn something new about ourselves and our partner, especially in conflicts.

We show care and compassion to ourselves and our partner.

Finding time to be together, talk, play, love, laugh, learn and grow. We are interested in personal growth and development of our relationships.

When time together, developing the ability to love yourself and share love with each other, becomes a priority for both partners, you have a great chance of staying authentically connected with yourself and each other. In such relationships, people rarely feel lonely.

about the author

Margaret Paul- family psychologist, co-author of the book “What’s stopping you from being happy” (co-authored with Jordan Paul, Centerpolygraph, 2009).

We talk a lot about why girls are unhappy in relationships, what mistakes guys make, and how to recognize that his intentions are not the best, but we completely forget that there should be a place for an adequate conversation. Instead of complaining that he doesn't pay attention to you or disappears with his friends, think about it, maybe he's unhappy around you? Here are a few questions that will help you find out without scandals and without asking the main question head-on.

1. Where will we spend our holiday?

What could be more exciting than making grandiose plans for a future together? Unhappy couples don't do such things because they don't see or don't want to see that the relationship has prospects. Ask your boyfriend to plan your next trip - this question will show how willing he is to embark on complex planning, arguing, and financial commitments with you. If he's unhappy, he'll likely move away from the topic. Again, you shouldn’t sound the alarm right away; perhaps your boyfriend will say “no” because he understands that you won’t have time to save enough money or you have other plans. The main thing is “with you”.

2. Can I go with you?

If your boyfriend spends all his time without you and continues to plan his leisure time, ask him if you can join. It is quite possible that he is deliberately moving away from you. Having the right to privacy and a life outside of the relationship is normal, but only when it is not on an ongoing basis.

3. What will we do on the weekend?

Different couples have their own ideas about the weekend, but if you're left out for the umpteenth time and suspect it's not a coincidence, ask your boyfriend what you'll do next time. If he lets you know again that you're not in his plans, then you should talk about what's wrong.

4. Will you go to the store with me?

By inviting your guy to do something very boring or something that only relates to you, you can determine how strong your connection is. Such matters require patience, understanding and respect - all this is in happy relationship. But if your boyfriend always avoids the other side life together, which means he does not want to take on any obligations. Your partner should meet halfway and strive to help you or at least find a compromise if something routine needs to be done.

5. Let's open a joint account?

Money - universal method understand who is next to you. It doesn’t matter how much you earn and spend individually, but how you approach budget sharing can be the answer to the main question: “Are you happy?”

If he doesn’t agree to the proposal to open a joint account or start saving money for a vacation, an apartment, a car for you, it means that he has no common interests with you, and his own expenses are a priority. He may simply not be ready, he may be experiencing financial difficulties, which requires patience from you, but if you understand that this is not the case, then the problem is in your relationship.

6. Would you like to go have some fun?

After a hard day at work or experienced stress, you just need to relax. You can do this in any way you like, but it is unlikely that someone who is happy next to you will refuse an offer to do something that will bring you pleasure. If your partner doesn't like to have fun with you, then most likely he is unhappy in your relationship.

7. What good happened today?

By asking how his day was, you are showing interest in his life and support. Pay attention to whether he says something good or continues to complain and get angry? He may have problems - that's normal. But if everything that happens irritates him already for a long time, there is a reason to talk frankly.

8. What is your dream life?

Such a question can be confusing, so many people avoid answering or speak at length. Not because they don’t love you, but because it’s hard. But such a question helps to see what a person is not satisfied with and how he is going to solve his problems. If there are no hints about you in his plans for the future, then there is reason to think: perhaps he does not want to be with you, but has not yet decided when to leave. Even if there is no threat to the relationship, the answer to this question will help him deal with the underlying life values, and you can give him advice if you are in the know.

9. What are you thinking about?

When you're in a bad mood, it's important to have some space to think. A question like this is a great way to find out what’s in the soul of the person you love and show that you are open to conversation, want to listen and support. Listen carefully, do not interrupt and do not take everything as a personal insult. Then your boyfriend will be able to feel that he has no reason to hide anything from you, because you will understand everything.

10. Would you like to go on a double date?

Double dating is an activity that isn't suitable for all couples, and it's also a good indicator of whether your guy feels committed to the relationship. If he is comfortable with you, then there is no reason not to share this joy and not communicate with other happy people.

But if he is not happy in the relationship, then he will not agree to a double date.

The main thing is to find out from him why, so as not to speculate, but to know for sure: he is simply not a fan of spending time together or does not want to connect his life with you in front of witnesses.

11. Is everything okay? You look sad.

Sometimes the easiest way to find out what happened is to simply ask, without hints or coming from afar. If you've been trying to figure out if your boyfriend is happy around you for a long time, but you can't be sure if he's right, ask him why he looks unhappy and let him speak. If he avoids answering, this is also something that cannot be ignored. In happy relationships, people do not hide the reasons for their bad behavior from each other. emotional state, but maybe he is silent because you never gave him the opportunity to speak?

Question to a psychologist:

Hello. My boyfriend and I are 19 years old and have been living in a dorm together for almost a year. The problems started after we went on academic leave. I started looking for work and spent all my time with my boyfriend, 24 hours a day. I gained about 8 kilograms, but given my height it’s not catastrophic, and besides, when we met, I weighed about the same. With my height of 1.74, I weigh 71 kilograms and am ashamed of myself. The guy’s parents divorced when he was a child, his mother didn’t love him, he often lived with his father, and now he only maintains contact with him. Also, the guy is about 5 centimeters taller than me, but very thin, so together we look very disproportionate, for me broad shoulders, big butt, with him it’s the other way around. About 3 months ago, my father stopped sending him money and he lived at my expense, I asked him to find a job, but he sits for days and plays on the computer. He doesn’t seem to refuse to go to work, and even when I found him a job, he went to work, but after a couple of days he was fired because the person who worked there returned to his place. The guy began to speak unflatteringly about my body, hinting that I was fat, saying that I had a stomach and arms like sausages, but at the same time he said this in a semi-serious tone and only when he was offended by something. He pays almost no attention to me, he constantly sits and plays, kisses me once every 3 hours and this lasts for 5 seconds. When I tell him about this, he reacts like this: “yes, yes, yes, of course I don’t pay attention to you.” We hardly make love, I really want to, but he often says that he is not in the mood. I have no friends, so I don’t like to be in society and I like to be at home, so the guy goes shopping for food, but he still spends my money and it feels like he doesn’t even have remorse. When he runs out of cigarettes, he may get angry and say something offensive. The care is felt, but he doesn’t know how to give compliments, doesn’t know how to be gentle, and in general one gets the impression that I’m like a mother to him. This is his first serious relationship, I didn’t have the first ones and there were better ones. I very often remember previous relationships and conclude that then everything was better than now. The guy is very kind, open, he tells me everything, we even talk about topics that usually even close people don’t talk about. And the essence of the question is that I want a different attitude towards myself, and I want this from him. But I can’t reach him. Why does this happen and what should I do in this situation, how to behave correctly and is it possible to change anything?

Psychologist Yulia Sergeevna Builova answers the question.

Hello, Sonya! Are you asking if anything can be changed in the current situation? Yes, you can. But we can only change ourselves. Others are already deciding for themselves, looking at you, whether to change or not.

You ask why this happens? And you yourself answer this question: “in general, you get the impression that I am like a mother to him,” because “his mother did not love him, he often lived with his father.” And what we lack most in childhood, we strive to make up for in adult life. The question arises - what do you want to make up for in these relationships? What does this relationship give you? You write that you love him, but what is love for you? After all, how many people there are in the world, there are so many understandings of this word, this feeling. What does love “consist” of for you? You write that you already had a relationship, and in that relationship you also felt love differently.

Are you asking how to behave? It depends on what you want to get as a result. But here you need to understand that by continuing to play this “parent-child” game, you risk getting stuck in this, bringing the situation to the limit when it will no longer be possible to tolerate it, and then there will be nothing left to do but abruptly break off the relationship and be left alone with resentment.

The first thing you need to start with is talking about your feelings, and not swallowing grievances. But speaking not about complaints, but about voicing your feelings can be difficult and sometimes you have to learn this for years. After all, if you treat yourself with respect, then no one will be able to offend you, people will not even have the desire to say something offensive.

You also need to talk with your boyfriend about how he sees your future, what he wants to achieve in this life, what place he assigns to you. It’s very good that you talk about a lot of things, this will allow you to talk with him about these topics.

One way or another, most women are never completely satisfied with themselves and their lives. Beauties want to be appreciated for their spiritual qualities, young girls want to become married, married girls want to be more independent. Mothers of sons dream of a daughter, career women dream of family happiness.

It's the same in relationships. Those who have a lover certainly want to change him. Girls always think that if their partner were different - richer, older, younger, more experienced, more interesting (and so on, the list is endless), they would certainly feel happier. What really makes a woman unhappy in a relationship, and how can you fix it?

A woman always wants more

There is no limit to perfection. There is always something to strive for. You can always have another child, buy another dress, get another promotion. The world is full of places you haven't been before, activities you've never done, people you don't know.

Women can be completely insatiable regarding their desires. This thirst for more, the thirst for something different, sometimes poisons their lives much more than what they actually have. Women manage to yearn for some other life unknown to them, even when they seem to be completely satisfied with what they have here and now.

The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish

Remember the main character? No, I'm not talking about a fish fulfilling the wishes of its captor. I'm talking about an old woman who was so intemperate in her desires that she ended up with nothing.

A kind of inner old woman lives in almost every woman. And on the one hand, this is good. Because it is women’s desires that drive a man’s actions. That is why they conquer peaks and become someone.

A loving man is ready for a lot, if not everything, for his woman. Therefore, it is good when the desires of his woman are an incentive for him to move forward.

Do you know what your compatibility with a man is?

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However, it is precisely new and new desires that do not satiate a woman’s soul, but, on the contrary, empty it, that become the main source of negativity and unhappiness in her life.

Married mothers raising children dream of exciting careers. Unmarried career women talk about family and children. Those who have a home and rear are about freedom, freedom is about attachments. The saying “You cannot embrace the immensity” cannot take root in the female mind.

This poisons not only the woman herself, but also the relationships in which she is found.

Dissatisfaction with your man and its consequences

An amazing fact - at first a woman dreams of meeting a man with whom she can share her life path. The longer the search process lasts, the more men she meets, tries different relationships, recognizes men from different sides.

In the end, it would seem, she chooses the best. The one who suited her more than others. The one in whom I am confident, the one I fell in love with. However, their relationship begins with the fact that she begins to actively change him or passionately desire him to change.

It seems that the same property of female nature is at work here. A woman wants to combine incompatible things in her man, and is not at all ready to accept the fact that some mental qualities, character traits, behavioral lines simply cannot exist within the framework of one person.

Stone wall

For example, a woman chooses a strong, independent and powerful man. And then he tries to drive him “under his heel.” She wants him to be strong and powerful somewhere else. Where it is implemented professionally, it makes money. For some reason, it seems to her that he should behave differently at home and with her.

And she demands from him sensitivity, tenderness and softness. That is, it requires him to become a completely different person at home. She expects that in his relationship with her he will begin to show those qualities that, in principle, are not characteristic of him.

Resentment, disappointment, anger. This is not what I wanted... Why then did you choose him?

Stay there - come here

An equally common situation is that a man who earns money wants more attention to his family and children. No, of course he should earn no less, but more than a year from year. But at the same time, you have to manage to do it in such a way as to be close to your wife and children.

The reluctance to admit that it is almost impossible to combine a serious, successful career and maximum involvement in the life of your family drives a huge number of women crazy.

What to do?

Give up the endless desire to improve what is. Learn to feel satisfied and grateful for what you have today. Because only in this case will you be able to get that most cherished, better tomorrow.

Acceptance and gratitude

Thank this world for what it gives you, look inside for a feeling of peace and satisfaction with what you have. We are given what we deserve at this particular moment. What we want and what we strive for. If we accept with dignity what we have already received, the path is opened for us to receive more.

Become the woman you enjoy being with. And you will get a partner with whom you will feel good. Develop, discover new things, strive for the best, and the same will happen with the man who is next to you.

You don’t need to give up your desires, you just need to shift the focus of your attention from what you don’t have to what you have already achieved. Enjoy what life gives you at every moment, try to see opportunities rather than problems in difficulties. Feeling happy, as well as feeling unhappy, is a choice you can learn to make every day.

We all know and have already heard many times that you can send orders and wishes to the Universe. And, if the message is strong enough and the picture presented is bright enough, then we receive an answer in the form of the fulfillment of our desire.

It has also long been known that a single woman can place an order for love and describe in detail the man she needs. And such a man comes! But the woman either doesn’t notice him or starts dating him, but the relationship quickly reaches a dead end.

In our time loneliness of a woman is already considered the norm, but I don’t think it’s right. People reveal themselves most in pairs and in relationships with each other.

Why is this happening?

But the thing is that women often write a very detailed and powerful application to the Universe for a man: many points about what he should be, many expectations and demands.

In the column “What should it be and what do I want” the number of points usually goes off scale. But in the “What can I offer?” column, there is either nothing at all, or very, very little information!

And why?

1. But simply because women want to drown in a sea of ​​pleasure with their beloved man, but they themselves are afraid to touch his hand unknown man(which I really liked)!

2. Because they want to be close to a man, but at the same time they are absolutely not loved or respected. It seems to them that many men around are “bad people,” to put it mildly...

This one has a potbelly, this one is bald, this one earns little, and this one is generally an alcoholic! They will find a flaw in everyone! But somewhere out there, far away, there is a mythical super-man who is waiting, can’t wait to meet you.

And the whole point is that you will never get such a man until you begin to respect and love the men who are next to you in real life!

This does not mean that you should kiss the first homeless person you come across and try to build a family with him. Of course not! You just need to learn to accept men as men, and not as animals or some strange creatures.

3. Because women expect respect for themselves, and they themselves divide men into the categories “who are worthy” and “who are not so good”... This also applies to what is written above.

4. Because women want to build relationships with adult, responsible men... and when it comes to themselves, they blame all their failures and problems on “parents, ex-husband, boss” and other circumstances...

5. Because women expect from men everything that Dad (and sometimes Mom also) did not give them, everything that girlfriends and friends could give... and a little more..))

But in the end, women are sometimes left sitting at nothing... with a very surprised and upset face! And reassure yourself that in our time, a woman’s loneliness is considered normal and you can completely live alone.

What to do?

Before you declare what kind of man you want, think about what you can give him. And the point here is not even that you are a good housewife, you have a great figure and you cook deliciously. First of all, you must be filled! Joy, happiness, love and positive energy! And, plus this, you need to take full responsibility for your life.

There is no need to spread out in front of a man and show him all your advantages, you just need to constantly practice yourself, feminine practices and fill yourself with feminine energy! In addition, if necessary, be able to solve your problems yourself, without shifting them to others.

So the answer is very simple. Do you want to see a wonderful man next to you? Take care of yourself!

How to do it?

1. Find women's practices to fill you with energy.

Check out the project website “How to become happy woman” , there you will find many effective women's practices and other useful information. You can visit our page, where you can also find many courses and trainings.

2. Take care of yourself.

3. Find joy in every day.

4. Increase your self-worth.

Are the instructions clear? Then get started right now! And live in love, happiness and joy!