How to get rid of your jealousy: wise advice. Intrusive people: how to tactfully get rid of

Throughout our lives, we interact with a huge number of people. But we can constantly maintain fairly close relations only with a very narrow circle.

What to do if the quality of the environment is not satisfactory? As a minimalist, I can give a simple answer: remove unnecessary people from your communication and give yourself to those who are important.

The approximate number of permanent social connections for each of us lies in the range from one hundred to two hundred people. The average is one hundred and fifty. This is the so-called Dunbar Number. It is with so many people that we can interact qualitatively in any length of time. This number includes relatives, colleagues, clients, friends, acquaintances. And places - only for one hundred and fifty people!

As you can see, our resources for communication are limited. The time we can devote to other people is limited. Mental resources are also limited. That is why it is so important to get rid of unnecessary people. To free up time and space for those who matter.

I prefer to invest my time, emotions and feelings in pleasant, interesting and suitable people for me. There is no objective reason to continue communicating with a person with whom you feel uncomfortable.

There are seven billion people on Earth. All people are as different as you can imagine. And they don't all fit. This is fine. But why waste energy on a person who is not suitable for you, if there are many of your people? Why put up with a relationship you don't like?

Communication is the interaction of two people. You can also communicate in large groups, but at every moment - it's always two. Normal, adequate communication - when both participants win as a result. This is a mutual exchange, as a result of which mutual enrichment occurs. Otherwise, this is not a relationship, but sadomasochism. However, this is also enough, but I will not talk about it now.

If I feel that I have been used and I have received nothing in return, I feel bad. There can be any benefit - here everyone is looking for himself what he needs or wants to get. But "in the black" should remain both participants.

I shared ice cream with you. You are refreshed on a hot day. You are pleased and I am pleased that I made you pleased. We both win!

Interesting thoughts, a charge of energy and motivation, a good mood are also the results of communication. When I talk about benefits, I mean both material benefits that you can touch and carry in your pocket, and moral - energetic, emotional and sensual.

Our environment affects us whether we like it or not. Somewhere we pick up someone else's thought, somewhere - an attitude towards something or someone, an emotion or a mood. All this together affects our life as a whole. At first glance it is imperceptible.

A lot of people say that our earnings are roughly equal to the average of the earnings of the five people with whom we interact the most. I think this is very close to the truth.

Relationships, communication - this is our free choice. Only we decide whether to continue them or not. It is in our power and opportunity to select such people for ourselves, to build such a circle of contacts that will be a joy, that will lift up, promote development and happy life. Attract people with whom we will communicate with joy and pleasure.

We are no longer in kindergarten where we were taken against our will. And not at school, where the team was also not chosen by us. We are adults. If you don't like the environment, change it!

Choice is denial. When we choose one, we give up everything else. When we communicate with a "not our" person, we refuse to communicate with a like-minded person. For me, the choice is obvious - there is no point in wasting time on someone who is not close to you.

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If the relationship doesn't suit you, end it. If communication does not give pleasure - stop it. If a person pulls you back - forget about him. If after talking with someone you feel devastated and squeezed out, stop talking and seeing such a person.

There are those who intentionally or accidentally shake emotions and bring to the negative. There are those who notice all the worst, all the dirt and shortcomings. There are those who rise and assert themselves at your expense, lowering you lower. There are those who whine and use you as a drain pipe for their problems and accumulated negativity. There are those who constantly talk about their plans, about revolutionary ideas, but have not taken a single step in their direction. There are those who either do not accept your successes or try to downplay them. Get rid of such people in your environment!

When I talk about the need to get rid of, I do not at all urge you to go and tell the person everything that you think about him. Sometimes this is the only option. But, as a rule, softer ones are also enough.

First of all - to reduce contacts with unnecessary people. Keep them to a minimum. Reduce even the likelihood of meeting: do not go to those places where there is a chance of crossing. Don't accept offers to meet. And, of course, do not initiate contacts.

This is especially true of the past. Let it remain where it is supposed to be - among all the departed. Oh, those people from the past! Even if you used to communicate with a person, and you felt good with him, over time the paths diverge. The more time passes, the more differences accumulate in you. Especially when there is no common ground in the present: no deeds, no interests.

Communication based only on the past is flawed, meaningless, dead end. And in such cases, you communicate not with a person, and he does not speak with you - you interact with each other's mental models from the past. Each of you has changed, but your interlocutor does not see this and continues to communicate with you-the past.

In addition to such strange communication, there is another problem here - expectations. From you, in accordance with the mental model of you-past, something is expected. You expect something from the interlocutor, more precisely - from his model in your head. As a result, it often turns out that long-forgotten behavioral patterns are turned on in you. You start behaving the way you are expected to. Feeling discomfort, but not always understanding what caused it.

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There is one more interesting point associated with communication: acceptance of you. Some people around us may not accept us for who we are. They may judge and criticize our habits, our way of life or thinking, our behavior or hobbies. Why communicate with those who do not accept you for who you are?

Unfortunately, especially many of these people who do not accept us may be among relatives. Here we get a very strange situation: they have some expectations about us. And the interaction is based on the principles: we love and accept you if you meet our expectations and ideas. Really, it's weird? Such people may even resent you when you are yourself. Madness!

Relatives, especially the closest ones, are not so easy to delete from communication. If contacts with them do not give pleasure, you should at least reduce their regularity and depth. When communicating, you should not touch on controversial topics, but it is better to limit yourself to everyday conversations - about food, nature and weather. Relatives cannot be changed. But it's worth it just to accept them. But this does not mean that you need to agree with them and meet their expectations.

Communicating with “my” people, at first I was surprised: no matter what crazy idea I spoke, no matter what desires and dreams I said out loud, they accepted me! Without evaluation, criticism, condemnation. I could say that today I would go everywhere without shoes, and this was perceived as normal. As if I just said that I would drink tea now.

With the importance of a conscious approach to your communication, I hope you figured it out. Where to start?

First of all, assess your social circle. You can even take a few sheets of paper and write down everyone with whom you interact in one way or another with varying regularity - from daily meetings to congratulations once a year. After that, slowly go through this list. Remember your feelings from communicating with each person. You feel good? We put a plus. Discomfort is a minus. Then we divide this list into two: “people-pluses” and “people-minuses”. We continue to communicate with the first and strengthen relations. We say goodbye to the second in all possible ways.

It happens that after completing this exercise, you suddenly realize that the list of people with a plus sign is almost empty. It's sad, but it's common. Realizing this, too many people are hesitant to end unsatisfactory relationships and stop uncomfortable communication. This is motivated by the fact that they cannot be left completely alone?! It's weird and scary to be alone.

You can really be alone for a while. But then your people will be attracted to the formed space, like-minded people - those with whom along the way. It may not happen soon, but it certainly happens.

In general, I recommend regularly, at least once every two or three years, to review your environment. If someone in it pulls you down or prevents you from not only taking off, but even just going forward, you should take action. Otherwise, this social swamp will drag on even deeper.

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If you don't remove the trash, you won't free up space. Like it or not. As in that parable about a mug of tea - without emptying it, you can’t pour anything new.

When you begin to understand yourself, to be more sensitive to yourself, to hear and feel yourself better, when you realize your hidden dreams and desires, then you begin to interact with a person at the “resonates / does not resonate” level. If there is something close, if something resonates, then perhaps this is your person. Especially if something positive and creative resonates.

If it does not resonate, the person is most likely simply not yours. He is not close to you. He's not even annoying. He's just a different person. He is not for you, you are not for him. different worlds.

Not everyone can immediately understand - yours or not yours. Sometimes this takes time. For me, the indicator is my feelings in the process of communication, the inner fullness of a person, my desire or unwillingness to open up and be interested in a person. The first impression, by the way, is often wrong.

The more you push away unsuitable people, not yours, not right for you, the more likely attract those who are needed. However, there is one thing to consider here. What are the parameters to weed out the people you are going to push out of the space of your own life? You should not try to evaluate another person from some average social point of view: you can make a mistake. You have to listen and feel!

There is one more effective way get rid of unnecessary communication and unnecessary people. Just push them out. When you focus on a person that is important to you, there is simply no room for others, and especially unimportant ones. Look at a guy and a girl at the beginning of a romantic relationship. They are for each other - the most important people at this time. There is neither time nor desire to communicate with others.

Many do not like and do not know how to refuse requests and offers. Even from burdensome and uninteresting, or from those that come from people they don't like. However, when you are doing something from which you are overwhelmed with emotions and energy, it is not difficult to refuse any offer. After all, to agree means to give up something mega-important for the sake of something insignificant. Nonsense. You can do the same with people.

I want to recommend that you be yourself, no matter what happens. Live according to your own values ​​and principles. Who wouldn't expect anything from you. Having changed yourself for the sake of someone else's expectations, you are unlikely to be able to build high-quality, adequate, close relationships with a person for whom you had to spit in your soul. Will you forgive him? Will you forgive yourself? So why change yourself for the sake of someone in the first place?

There is only one life for you.

Limited time.

You decide who has a place in your life and who does not.

Relationships are one of the most important components of our life, they should be given conscious attention. Being a minimalist, I approach communication with the basic principle of minimalism - get rid of the superfluous, focus on the important.

Get rid of unnecessary people in your environment for the sake of those who really matter.

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No, it's not that simple. I used to have friends like that .. and I reviewed all the moments - it turned out that they were not my friends at all. And important people, as you wrote, I don’t have .. And I feel terrible and lonely ..

Reconsider your lifestyle, important people appear when you go to meet them, or maybe you have already been sucked into the swamp of inaction?

Great article, I think so too. Because in my life there were such situations. When relatives completely betrayed you and did not support you, when Native sister gave day labor to your son, without understanding the situation, and my own aunt told me anyway, because once her own son died. Now they always put the places of my childhood together, and I am an outcast because I protected my son (he was not to blame for anything). A lot of betrayal from girlfriends who appeared not long ago, only proven over the years are always there.

Alexander, hello! Help correct solution accept. How to get out of an apartment where you can be said to be forcibly kept, specially provoked, different methods, what would prevent you from earning money and moving out of here. I even took out a loan to leave here, but then my mother got very sick. I live in a three-ruble note, I know that mother's illness is their work. Now it's completely mired, and they continue to do it. I am 27 years old, and for this reason, not only can I not have children, but at least an acceptable job, that is, the ability to sleep without worries and worries.

I can help you. Write me. I have contacts on my website http://nekrasov.me/psy/

Alexandra: I can help you. Write me. I have contacts on my website http://nekrasov.me/psy/

Hello! Decent material. I don't know what to do with my friends. We have been friends with the company for about 3 years. I am often not satisfied with the views on life of most of them, but some people are close to me. Sometimes I still feel comfortable in their environment. I always invite them to visit our apartment, which we rent with a guy. You can hardly expect any initiative from them ... We can also talk enough on general topics, since they do not know much and do not know how to do what I do. But! For example, I am very pleased to communicate with one of my friends, but I can not stand her arrogant boring husband. Do you think I should cut contact with the two of them? Thanks for the tips in advance :)

Hello Anastasia! I apologize for the long time without a response - I did not track the appearance of your comment.

The fact that your views on life do not coincide with your friends is normal. The question is - do they, your friends, make you better? Does this communication give value to you and your life? Can you grow, develop, be yourself in these relationships?

If you like to communicate with a friend and do not like her husband, you can continue to communicate with a friend, minimizing communication with her husband. Or, for example, find something interesting in it. Your friend managed to find it.

Alexander, at the age of 21, faced the problem that in addition to his young man there is not a single person from my friends .. there is no one whom I could rely on in a difficult period of life and in a joyful one ... all school friends constantly "throw" and "throw" when you offer them to go somewhere, organize something, you negotiate with them, they agree, and at the last moment they cancel everything. problem? how should I deal with such people? Thank you...

Maria, think about it, maybe it's time for you and your former school friends to go your own - different ways? When some leave, while others have not yet arrived, there may well be a period when there is not enough quality communication. But if you do not let go of the past, it is difficult to open up to the future.

Do you value this relationship right now? Do you see a future for these relationships? Sometimes it is possible and worth fixing what is not working well. Sometimes it's better to leave the past in the past.

As for why you have such a relationship now, it’s impossible to say for sure, based on so little information about you. There can be many reasons, for example, in your behavior, in beliefs, and in a simple divergence of paths with the current environment too.

I really liked your article! I am an energetic, emotional person, people reach out, want to communicate.. in the cycle there is not enough time for those who are really important. It was difficult to refuse someone, but "unnecessary" people faded into the background, freeing up time. everything is correct, no need to waste time on trifles - the essence is in the main thing and in "your" people!

A good article, reveals the essence of everyday and friendly relations. There are always difficulties with relatives, especially from the husband’s side, with your own, something else can be explained somehow. It is inconvenient to send them, and there is no strength to endure their presence.

One of the best (and few) articles on the subject on the internet.

but now faced with such a situation. We have been friends for over 20 years .. we are under 50 .. we became friends when both were married and had a child ...

children have grown up. the eldest daughter of a friend got in touch with drug addicts and stole money from home. She gave birth to a child from an unemployed drug addict. My child successfully graduated from school, entered the university, master of sports ..

and that it’s not a conversation for children, everything is some kind of negativity in relation to my child. Then to my husband. And then to my family at all .... I went to work abroad, an active life, full of plans, and she somehow perceived all this with sarcasm .. I decided to just stop communicating ...

By the way, in material terms, she lives better ...

Now she writes to me, I do not answer. There is no desire .. and the hand does not rise from the list of friends without explanation. On the other hand, I don’t owe her anything, and I don’t want to explain if the person himself doesn’t understand that he adequately evaluates friendships ... her last statement was that she would also run away abroad from a husband like mine .....

although I have never voiced the reasons, much less denigrated own husband. With age, it’s more difficult to be disappointed in people ... and I understand that such frank envy cannot be the basis of friendships, and at the same time it allowed a person to behave like this .....

Thanks Alexander for the article! I accidentally started reading and couldn't stop until I had read all the comments to the end. My words of gratitude as a colleague - I am a psychologist - for the simplicity of presenting such a complex and generally closed topic from the circle of people's problems. You just inspired me to study this topic. Double thanks: both for the article and for the idea!

Good afternoon Alexander! Your article is very helpful, thanks! But I would like to ask you for advice. The fact is that none of my friends close to me gives such attention as I would like. It feels like no one needs me. That is, it manifests itself directly in communication. My ideas about friends have changed a bit, but friends have remained the same. I can safely not get a response to any message that is important to me. Which I was really looking forward to. I suffer from this. Should I still give them up for the sake of new people? I feel like I can't be alone. And I don’t even know how to make new friends. The kind of friends I want to be.

Thank you for the article. Just by the way. Everywhere I see that it is harmful not to communicate, blah blah blah. But what about destructive relationships? All of them are negative for me. Thank you so much for writing this article, I finally saw that there are people with a similar opinion.

you help people, thank you very much!!! this is the best article on this topic! I wish you success in life and work!

I read it. I disagree fundamentally. There are no extra people in our life! I'm surprised that there are people who consider it possible to define an algorithm for calculating "extra people" !!! Disappointed that a person with such a profession promotes interpersonal digging ((((

Two, you, dear!!!

I disagree with Anna's comment. Perhaps a three can be put ... Thoughts are quite clear and conscious. But... Sorry! These are your thoughts, mister psychotherapist-wanderer, these are your personal feelings. And you are sophisticated and ornate, very often, speaking about yourself, you try to put them into the heads and souls of your readers. Not professional! Don't bring your daughters to this. They won't say thank you.

By the way, communication is a complex multifaceted process of establishing and developing contacts between people...

So, maybe better as a wanderer...?)

Probably, many have the dubious "happiness" to communicate with an annoying and uninteresting interlocutor. The ears are already withering from the abundance of unnecessary information, all possible hints have been made, and the person continues to broadcast. Everything infuriates: the manner of speaking, behavior, idiotic actions. It seems that it is simply impossible to get rid of such a person. Fortunately, there are several proven ways.

To the student who constantly criticized everyone, the Master said: “If you are looking for perfection, strive to change yourself, not others. It is easier to put on your own sandals than to carpet the whole earth.

Someone from the wise said: "Everything that you see in me is not mine, it is yours ... Mine is what I see in you."

This is a phrase to think about your own! life. If we apply this to others, nothing in our lives will change. No one has yet succeeded in forcibly or affectionate manipulations to change another person.

Friends, I propose to look at what we think about other people. It's definitely ours! Just do not fall into a sense of guilt after realizing it, go and talk on this topic with experienced and loving people- priests, psychologists, spiritual teachers.

Parable illustrating this note

There was once a dharma teacher in China named Fo Yin. This teacher had a friend named Su Dong Po (1037-1101 AD) - a poet with a bad reputation due to his rough, quarrelsome nature.

One day the poet sat down, pretending to be the Buddha, and asked the dharma teacher:
- Who do I look like?
“You look like a Buddha,” Master Fo Yin replied.
The poet then said:
- Do you know who you look like? You look like a bunch of crap!

The dharma teacher was not at all embarrassed. He still continued to smile. The poet asked:
How are you not angry?

The teacher replied:
- One who has realized the nature of the Buddha in himself, sees the same nature of the Buddha in every person. The one who is full of shit sees everyone else as a pile of shit.

And a few more wise thoughts of unknown authors on the topic:

"If you want to know a person, don't listen to what others say about him, listen to what he says about others."

“Things do not appear to us as they are, they appear to us as we are.”

One married couple told how they solve their family discord. Knowing that a rebuke always provokes a defensive reaction, they approached an unpleasant conversation in the following way. “You know, dear, something I don’t like about myself is that I often became annoyed with you.”

The reproach was made not to her husband, but to herself. - "Something I do not like myself." The husband does not snarl in response, but, on the contrary, comes to a benevolent disposition of the soul, because he is asked to help figure it out.

And in the course of the conversation, of course, the question arises of why the wife became annoyed, and the husband, of course, wants to improve, because this is necessary so that the spouse stops disliking herself and finds peace of mind. And this is not just a psychological trick, but the principled position of these spouses - I have no right to blame the other.

After reading all this, did you see a way to get rid of reproaches, accusations and claims?

If you have any questions, watch this video:

My mother told me: "Remove unnecessary people from your life, they suck your energy ...". From her point of view, these were completely useless people for me, but I had an incredible “usefulness” for them, like a Duracell battery, charging their sluggish bodies and souls with my indestructible energy ... Then they didn’t talk or write about energy vampires, the Internet not yet, and my mom intuitively pronounces everything that can be read today by typing "energy vampires are" in the search bar ...

As I already said, today a lot of interesting things have been written about these "energy-sucking" ones, but including frankly stupid ones. Silly texts about energy vampires talk about evil intent. He is not. Also, there is nothing mystical here. And we can be both a donor, in relation to someone and - the same vampire. It's good only when there is an equal exchange, reports Day.Az with reference to Kluber. This is harmony. It's bad when you frankly suck. Sometimes for years. Why bad? Let's not talk about the loss of energy and other dregs. We're wasting time, and that's the main thing.

So, the signs that distinguish the Superfluous Man:

1. He always calls you himself

You have a friend (girlfriend), with whom (whom) the conversation begins with the phrase: "I just wanted (wanted) to call you, and you call!" Eat? Be sure that you have an equal exchange with this person, this is your full life partner. This is not an extra person. Extra Man calls himself and you almost never call him. It is surprising that, as a rule, the person "sucking" you always calls at the wrong time. You either have your hands in soap, or you are watching a movie or parking ... In a word, you are doing some kind of business, and then - a call. As a result, you have a waste of time.

2. He always keeps himself waiting

Or almost always. Often he makes himself wait even in a telephone conversation. "Oh, now wait, I have a second line here .. I'll call you back ..." And you look longingly at the phone and understand that they will call you back, but you don't feel like it at all ...

He makes himself wait when he comes to you. He is amazingly unpunctual towards you. Even upon arrival, the Extra Person finds some business, if he is at your place, it can be an urgent and for some reason obligatory trip to the shower ... Or a long telephone conversation with someone at work or for some other reason. .. And you longingly look at the clock and with your whole being you begin to feel the loss of time. Yes! As a result, you have a waste of time.

3. He's always in trouble

Most frequent problems Extra Man, if it is a woman, health problems. And it doesn't matter what gender you are. Whether you are a man or a woman, if you are a psychological donor, you will be aware of the health problems of the Extra Person. And they are monstrous, almost fatal... (according to him). All your attempts to advise just to solve the problem - to go to a good doctor, will be nipped in the bud. No, they will listen to you, and you even, God forbid, organize a consultation with a good and very cool specialist, but this will not end with anything. As a result - loss of time of yours and - the class expert.

The Extra Man, of course, has problems at work. All this is retold to you for months and years. And everyone is to blame - from a stupid boss to forwarders. All your attempts to console the unfortunate (unfortunate) and encourage him (her) to enjoy a good salary and other excellent conditions are also nipped in the bud. The Extra Man must suffer before your very eyes. He (she) does it wonderfully. And you end up wasting time.

4. He is very difficult to ask for something.

Sometimes it happens that the Superfluous Person needs to be asked for something. On the face of it, the request looks trifling. And you are surprised to understand that it is extremely difficult for you to do this. For some reason. Later, when a request or requests are voiced, you feel some kind of stupor that occurs in your counterpart, and you immediately understand your unwillingness to ask. He, the Superfluous Man, does not seem to want to help. He's going for it, he'll do it for you, but he's so busy. He has such problems ... And you lose the desire to ask him for something ... You do it yourself, and as a result - a waste of time.

5. He always needs you

An extra person entangles you with his "love". He constantly lets you know how much he needs you. He lives under your care and sometimes cannot do even the most seemingly simple actions without you. Sometimes it makes you surprised, sometimes angry. The Extra Man makes the face of the Cat from Shrek and says: "Well, please ...". He is always asking for something. And you gradually get used to the idea that he can’t do anything without you. But when he, in the event of a serious problem, instantly mobilizes and does everything efficiently and as quickly as possible, you are amazed at such agility and again understand that you are wasting time ...

6. He is a stunningly uninteresting person

And finally, the most main feature Extra person in your life. He's amazingly uninteresting. In any case, you. He is a bad storyteller, he is not enchanting, he is not connected with you by any hobbies, in fact, he has no hobbies. This is an incredibly boring creature, really sluggish and tedious. In other words, you are not interested in him at all.

As a rule, the presence of an Extra Person in your everyday life is explained by connections that are little dependent on you today. This is either a neighbor who is difficult to get rid of, or a relative, or a so-called childhood friend with whom for some reason you are forced to contact. Sometimes these are employees at work and even husbands and wives. Yes! They, too, can be their partners' vampires, and they take time too.

Summary

If you find that an Extra Person is constantly spinning next to you and this is not an annoying girlfriend, "brought" from a Turkish voyage, with whom you can just gradually stop communicating, but a more serious connection; try applying the following.

Start appreciating and valuing your time spent with this person. This also applies telephone conversations, and personal communication, and even - correspondence. And finally, start telling the truth.

"Yes, dear (darling)! I remember that you wanted (wanted) to come, but I have such a difficult project now, I give it all my time." The response will most likely be - "Well, please, I'll just for a second ..". If you give up, then you will again sign the verdict of your time, which will again be devoured by this Longolier. A categorical "no" will save your imaginary project and real time. I don't think you're lying at this point. The people that the Extras cling to are, for the most part, always busy with something ... And projects too.

Phone call? "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't talk, come on later"... That would be a lie. And we agreed to tell the Extra Man the truth. And the truth will be that you ask: "Do you have something urgent? I don't have much time right now." It is unlikely that the Extra Man will inform you that he has just witnessed the landing of aliens ... He will have to accept that there is nothing urgent in his call.

Do not give offense to your time, this is the only thing that money cannot buy later. Good luck!

I suppose there is no person who at least sometimes did not wonder how to get rid of a person who is pretty fed up with you. As a rule, such people are intrusive. Therefore, it is not surprising that they are also called energy vampires. Energy vampires cannot live without communication. They just need someone who will patiently listen to their complaints, their monologues, answer numerous, indelicate questions. Speaking of delicacy. With such people, you should not be delicate at all, afraid to offend them. No matter how hard you try, they will still be offended. In addition, you must agree, they bring considerable discomfort into your life.

What is the discomfort

Firstly, such a person is a considerable irritant, as he endlessly invades your personal space. Secondly, you spend a lot of time on empty conversations with this subject. And, finally, often you feel unwell after communicating with a person you do not need. You seem to have been de-energized, you are like a squeezed lemon.

How to get rid of an unwanted person

The moral of this story is

After you put into practice all of the above methods of getting rid of a person you do not need, or at least some of them, you will notice that your obsessive acquaintance will not be so annoying. And it may even turn out that after all the measures you have taken, he himself, you understand, he himself will begin to avoid you. And this is what you were aiming for.