It's all frivolous. Signs that a man is not planning a future with you
I was asked here the other day a question, as they say, "on the backfill." And he sounded like this: “How to convince a girl to stay if she decided that your relationship has no future.”
Frankly, I'm already used to solving non-standard tasks. But here he was puzzled.
In life, many of us have come across situations when it was clear that another romance would soon end in failure. However, they were playing for time, not daring to say to their passion: “Enough, let's disperse!” Although it would be worth breaking up immediately so as not to reassure the girl in vain and give yourself a chance to find the one that really suits you and will be loved, desired, seriously and for a long time.
But you patiently waited for the agony in the hope that you would not have to be the culprit of the breakup, and everything would somehow resolve itself.
But what if it was not you who suddenly decided to end the relationship, but she? Yes - yes, the girl decided to leave and stated this harshly and categorically. And you, for a moment, still love her and clearly realize that this story should not have an end. At least this sad one.
And the first thought that hits you like a storm wave: “Why doesn’t the girl want to date me? After all, everything was so good.
There is no need to guess on the coffee grounds. Most likely, you will find the reason among the 7 most common reasons for breaking up in such situations. I will talk about them in more detail below.
Why does a girl see no future in a relationship with you?
Reason one. She cannot forgive past wrongs. Although the events themselves that caused them have long been “overgrown with mugs”, they do not give her rest. And since he can’t forgive you in any way, then he doesn’t see the point in staying nearby.
The second reason. dependent relationships. She herself created them, subordinating the entire rhythm of her life, habits and interests to your decisions. And then she began to expect the same sacrifice from you. And I didn't wait...
Reason three. High expectations. Your girlfriend has dreamed of the proverbial prince on a white horse for far too long. But you didn’t become one, and the horse didn’t happen on the farm either. So she decided to be disappointed in you, and not in her fabulous ideas about true love.
Reason four. Fear of loneliness. The girl started dating you not from great feelings, but because after the previous romance it was necessary to “wait out” in a quiet harbor. So you turned out to be the very harbor. And she healed her spiritual wounds and went on ... without you.
Reason five. One gate play. This happens when one person takes all the responsibility, care and work on relationships on himself. And the other is only capricious and requires love and attention. And then he decides to disappear altogether, because you didn’t like, misunderstood, and in general ...
Reason six. Mistrust. Either you were dishonest with her, or she herself thought up too much. But the result is the same - she left, because she could no longer believe in your words and deeds.
Reason seven. On serious relationship there was no time. Each of you was too passionate about your work, friends, training, banal "freeze" in social networks. And the relationship, meanwhile, withered, like flowers left without water and light in a dark corner.
I want my ex girlfriend back
you wake up every morning with this thought, but you cannot find a solution. And you can't leave everything as it is. Because you love her and want only one thing - to be together, even if for this you have to make sacrifices and reconsider something in your own behavior.
What can I advise? Stop boiling in the cauldron of your own thoughts and emotions. It's time for a professional. Suffering will not help the cause, but good advice, received on time, you can correct what yesterday seemed to you an unsolvable task. But not all advice is good.
I decided for myself a long time ago that in matters of love I would consult only with. In my eyes, so many people passed through his training and consultations - I can’t tell! I have not yet seen dissatisfied people, but there are a lot of happy couples who came to thank for their help.
Therefore, if you really decide that the world is not nice to you without your beloved, feel free to contact Danil. Of course, you will have to work hard. But with his help, reconciliation and proving that with you, what a future is possible, will pass like clockwork!
It's true what they say, love is blind. In life, you can be sane and attentive to the little things, but as soon as you meet an amazing guy, these qualities disappear somewhere. Yes, and not up to them now, right there it is - hormones are raging, dreams are blooming in full bloom! Some girls come to their senses only after a year or two, when the beloved suddenly says: "I don't see a future with you." But the fact that the relationship is doomed could have been guessed from the very beginning. Here are some very obvious signs.
He doesn't call you his
“It is very significant how a young man introduces you to other people,” says Svetlana Boyarinova, a family psychologist and author of the book “Destination is love. How to find the man of your dreams" . - The phrases “my girlfriend”, “my beloved” emphasize belonging. But if it's just "my Masha" or "my friend", then he does not consider you important part own life". Maybe he doesn't count? No, don't be under any illusions. Men from the very first days understand how they will treat a woman in the future: as the one whom he has been looking for all his life, or as a fallback.
Three months is enough to understand where you are - in the center of the man's universe or on its periphery. In the latter case, he sees no point in introducing you into his social circle. You never know, you'll be leaving soon! Therefore, you will most likely see his friends only briefly and by chance; he will go to corporate parties and events involving a companion without you (although it’s not a fact that he is alone). And if your mother calls during your date, she will answer her as if she were alone: “I have dinner, then I’ll probably watch a movie.” He doesn’t want her to ask him uncomfortable questions, otherwise he’ll have to introduce him!
He decides everything without you
“In a serious, healthy relationship, both prioritize so that the partner comes first,” explains the psychologist. - This means not only choosing in favor of a loved one when we are talking about the fundamental points, but also to jointly make decisions. Your man consults with you how to spend free time, or just says "See you Tuesday"? Calls to warn of an urgent departure (“Grandma is sick, I need to visit. I will miss you!”), Or writes a laconic text message “I will leave for 3 days”?
Time, attention, money - if a man is not ready to share this for you, then you do not mean too much to him. Only people you truly appreciate can write cute SMS and help with the move. For everyone else, the answer is usually the simplest: "You know, I'm so busy ... But I'm sure you can handle it quickly and without me!".
He says he doesn't plan to get married
“It happens that two people meet for a long time, but they won’t become a family,” says Svetlana Boyarinova. - To understand that a loved one does not see you as a wife is possible only from his words. There are no indirect signs here.” For example, at the wedding of mutual friends to the caring “Well, when are you?” he laughs it off or says something like “Yes, we still need to see the whole world!”. Or mumbles something unintelligible in response to your direct questions: “What are your plans for the next five years? How do you see the development of our relations? Yes, perhaps he is not yet ready for marriage in principle. But most often the reason is different - he is not ready for marriage with you. Surprisingly, but true: when a man meets the woman of his dreams, he does not hesitate to propose. So, if you suspect that you will never move on to the next stage of a relationship, think about whether it's time for you to find a guy for whom you will be the very girl.
Text: Olga Lisovets
However, often the fair sex in their own: if mentally they are already “losing” the scene in the hall of the Wedding Palace, then their boyfriend, as they say, is neither a dream nor a spirit. He not only, he, in principle, does not plan anything serious in relation to the young lady. But the girl either does not notice this, or does not want to notice.
Director of the Vladimir dating agency "Me and You", family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relationships Elena Kuznetsova listed six of the most obvious signs that young man there are no far-reaching plans for the young lady.
1. Dates are usually spontaneous.
Almost always, when saying goodbye after a date, a man says: “Let's call” (let's write, see you, etc.), while not specifying exactly when this will happen. A suitor may disappear for several days, and then suddenly appear and invite him to a restaurant. Such spontaneity most often indicates that the girl is clearly not in the first place in the priorities of a young man. In other words, . So, what serious intentions can we talk about in this case?
The only exceptions are those who work hard and do not belong to themselves. They see the chosen one only when a “window” forms in their busy schedule. At this time, a man can call and ask, for example: “What are you doing? Let's meet".
2. Does not introduce to relatives and friends
Here we should immediately make a reservation. If a guy introduced you to his parents and (or) friends, this does not mean that he has serious intentions towards you. Perhaps it is in the order of things for him to introduce another passion to mom, dad and his company. So . But if a young man avoids introducing you to his loved ones, then this.
“If, within six months of a close relationship, a man does not introduce a woman to either family or friends, he is unlikely. It makes no sense to hope for a joint future with such a gentleman, ”warns Kuznetsova.
3. He does not get acquainted with the close circle of the girl
4. Doesn't talk about the future
According to Elena Kuznetsova, men, in principle, do not like to discuss the future with their chosen one. Something like: "Let's get married, build a house outside the city and get a dog" - this is not all about the conversations of the stronger sex. Themes of a shared future are more often raised either by youngsters or by those whose confidence is well supported financially.
Everyone else avoids long-term planning. However, if a man is really seriously interested in a woman, he will still utter a “code” phrase:. It should sound within six months of your dates. If after six months of close communication, the gentleman does not call you to move in with him, or does not offer to rent an apartment together, etc., then most likely he does not plan a future with you. You are already quite satisfied with him - how. For example, for intimacy.
“If a man is seriously interested in you, he. He wants to constantly smell you, constantly touch you. He likes to take care of you, and he likes that you take care of him. In this case, the partner quickly offers the girl to live together. Provided, of course, that they are both free, and there are no reasons preventing life together”, summed up the psychologist.
5. Doesn't call him his girlfriend
It is rather difficult to imagine a situation in which a man will ceremoniously say: “This is Masha. ". If a young man introduces a passion to relatives or close friends, then in principle they already know who Masha is.
On the other hand, it has now become quite fashionable to call a young lady, with whom a man mostly meets, simply a "girlfriend." The word "girl" has a deeper meaning. This is a certain status, which implies not just sex, but also a more serious relationship. It happens that a man makes a reservation “according to Freud” when he is suddenly asked: “Is this your girlfriend?”. And the guy who treats the young lady "without fanaticism" can automatically answer: "No,".
Kuznetsova emphasizes that this point is ambiguous, and advises the young ladies of men, and more - on his actions, because "a man should do, not talk."
6. Dates always end in sex.
This indicator is also not obvious, but nevertheless. If the couple's relationship was originally based solely on sex, then the man will perceive your meetings exclusively in an intimate context.
If the "kneading" was initially not only on, but also on mutual sympathy, as well as interests other than sex, then a guy can meet a girl without a "bed continuation", but this will not mean at all that he has serious plans for your joint future .
“Sex plays a huge role in a couple's life, but not that much. Maybe the girl is a pleasant companion, and the couple can watch a movie together or discuss something. There is nothing special about this, and this does not mean that a man has serious intentions towards a woman, ”says Kuznetsova.
If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the email address of the AiF-Vladimir editorial office: [email protected] .
Question to the psychologist:
Good afternoon
Dating a man for 7 months. The relationship is very intense, we spend a lot of time together. We go on trips, out of town (to his dacha), on holidays we walk with our sons (mine and his, they are the same age), together for holidays, birthdays, etc. I already know his parents, friends, brother. His mother is delighted with me. We are making joint plans for the next year regarding holidays abroad, as well as the improvement of the dacha. I realized that a person suits me in everything. It is easy, calm, interesting, fun with him. "We look in one direction" (goals and plans are similar). By the way, we communicate every day (calls, correspondence, which are not devoid of tenderness). She will always ask how she got home, if we don’t go together, how she slept, how the day went, etc. We meet three times a week, we can spend all weekends together. We do a lot together - we cook food, go shopping, clean up, etc. I got feelings. And everything would be fine if not for the last conversation that made me think. I didn’t start it on purpose, it so happened that in the course of our everyday chatter the topic of a joint future was touched upon, namely as a husband and wife. And earlier, in conversations with my man, it slipped that he no longer wants to marry. I thought that we were not dating for a long time, while there was nothing to worry about. Although he asked me how I feel about civil marriage and whether the stamp in the passport is important to me. We also had time to discuss whether we want to have more children. This is the essence of our last conversation: my man is thinking about buying an apartment (I have my own apartment), and after the divorce he lives with his mother. It is clear that, like any person, he is afraid to "get into" a mortgage and decided that so far he is not bad at living with his mother either. In general, I do not rush things, but I hinted to him that he would not live alone all his life. To which he agreed. Then he said that he was not going to marry anyway. I respect the opinion of my man, but I want to be a wife in the future, so I had a logical question - does he see his future with me (with the proviso that I do not mean now and do not rush things). And in the long run. To which my man thought, and then answered - with difficulty. I said that it was important for me to know that there was a future in our relationship, since I would like to have a family and a husband. To which he sounded the following phrase: "If you don't want to waste your time, maybe you should look for someone who loves you. I have no attraction for you." What exactly he means by the word DRIVING, he could not give an answer. He said that he was fine with me, easy, simple, fun and nothing more. I didn’t ask questions why and why we have been together for 7 months. I asked for time to think it over. While I think my man behaves as before - sweet, affectionate, friendly, writes, calls, etc. What, gentlemen, experts say in this situation? I already had a similar experience, I waited, tried and left. In this situation, the relationship is of a completely different nature, and I don’t know if it’s just his fear of marriage or really I’m not the woman of his dreams. Really looking forward to the answer. Although, as an adult, I understand that perhaps again the same rake ...
The psychologist Platonova Olga Valerievna answers the question.
Svetlana, hello! There is a trend, you probably heard that official marriage is losing some value, and not only among men. Relationships are more important than what happens between a man and a woman: communication, sex, joint leisure, interests, plans, comfort, etc. Together, it should be good and comfortable. So, the question is, why do you need a man who, in fact, openly speaks about his attitude towards you in the phrase "no cravings." If a couple is good in their relationship, the issue of marriage does not arise sharply: it is necessary (conveniently) - they will sign. And if marriage (registration of relations) is primary, while the relationship itself is "murky", it is possible to "persuade" it, but is such a marriage necessary? You run the risk of taking on all family, domestic issues - a classic of the genre (especially since it is convenient for an adult man to live with his mother, and not on his own).
It is not a problem for an independent man to formalize a marriage (if anything, now it is not a problem to dissolve a marriage, even having children does not stop in some cases, which means signing is not a problem, the main thing is relationships).
And, you clearly see a difference in goals: you need a family, he doesn’t, or not with you. There are such concepts as short-term and long-term relationships (long-term relationships - marriage).
7 months is not a lot to draw disappointing conclusions for further relationships, but not enough to understand the partner's guidelines.
Please help me to sort out the situation.
I am 28 years old, he is 25. He has a wife and two children. A year and a half ago, we started dating. It happened unexpectedly for both of us, because. and I had a man with whom we lived, and he has a family and 2 children, the youngest of whom is 2 years old. Somehow it turned out that despite the presence of a family, we began a bright relationship based on understanding each other. I left the man with whom I lived, and he was going to leave his wife. This went on for over six months. He told me that he had spoken to his wife, that his whole family was aware that he had decided to be with me. But, as it turned out, all this was not true .. The truth was revealed by chance, his mother arrived (who is completely on the side of his wife and supports only her, saying that she does not care who her son will be with, the main thing is her grandchildren. What she will not allow the family to break up because of the children) told the whole truth that his wife is not even aware that he wants to leave. Although every day we were together, every night he spent the night with me, telling her that he was at work..
We survived this situation by promising each other not to lie in a relationship.
The matter did not go to a divorce, more precisely, there were only conversations that they say yes, let's go and that's it. A few months later there was a quarrel about this, he returned to his wife, after saying that it was solely for the children to grow up in a complete family, as everyone wanted. His parents put pressure on him, his wife began to manipulate the children, in general, there was a very tense situation.
In less than 10 days, he returned, asked for forgiveness, said that he did not know what to do, he could not be with her, but he only thought about me. We began to be together again, he moved all his things from his wife, everything seems to be getting better, as a similar situation occurs. This happened several times .. only then he did not return to her, but simply lived with friends. He says that he does not know what is happening to him, he does not know why he is doing this, why he is leaving .. he says that he is tired of this situation, that they are pressing from all sides, that he does not see a future between us, as his relatives all say We will part ways in six months. But at the same time, he cannot live without me.
Now we are in such a period that we must find some way out of this situation .. We are not together, but without each other it is very bad. For my part, I can say that everything that I forgave him, I forgave sincerely. I wanted and want to see this man in my life, to see him as my husband, my family. The problem is how do we solve this problem so that he has confidence in my feelings, that he can have "tomorrow", that we are good together and we will cope with all problems.
They never got divorced, they went to apply, but because of the children this is a long procedure, then the passport suddenly disappeared and everything drags on ..
Please help me find a way out of this situation.
Thank you in advance.
